TERROR ATTACKS TRACED BACK TO ALLAH?

The FBI has indicated that the recent terror attacks in Paris and San Bernadino may be traced back as far as Allah himself.  According to sources in the agency, recently uncovered evidence shows the events were directly liked back to Paradise.  If this proves to be true, it will be the most damning evidence yet, against the “religion of peace” and it’s founder.

The source tells Satire 24/7 News that agents were able to infiltrate the inner circle of The Prophet himself, and used planted listening devices to eavesdrop on sensitive meetings, directed by the Muslim God.  Sources are saying that the damning recordings, will “prove beyond a shadow of a doubt” that Allah himself Masterminded these two deadly attacks.

FBI Special Agent Jesus Christy spoke to local reporters yesterday and indicated that the agency, “will follow all leads no matter where they take us.”  Christe also asked for the public’s help in providing any information they believe might help the investigation.  “We need the people to be vigilant and keep their eyes and ears open,” he said.  “Something that seems insignificant could lead to a breakthrough.”

 

BASEBALL WORLD SERIES TO BE COMPLETED BY THANKSGIVING

Officials of Major League Baseball announced today that the baseball World Series is expected to conclude by Thanksgiving this year.  It has been known for several years that the baseball season has been going on longer each year as teams make the post season in record numbers AND the “best of” series are, more often than not, going the full complement of games.  This year is no exception and several of the early rounds have been going to a “winner take all” final game.  

As a result the League has decided to institute a policy that will guarantee that “all games”, including the World Series, will be completed by Thanksgiving.  Don Pardo, director of league scheduling recently stated, “our league is responding to the issues brought to our attention by the players and umpires union, regarding the continuing length of the season.”  “After a brief investigation, our offices have concurred with this assessment and have decided to schedule games, so that no game will be played after Thanksgiving.”   

“We all agree that baseball is historically, a summer game and thus, we need to make sure we can play as many games as possible during the summer months.”  Pardo added, ” we will begin this new scheduling system next season which we know will enhance the game and allow our participants to be home in time for Thanksgiving.”  

Who says the baseball season if too long?  

STUDY FINDS 40% OF SUICIDES A RESULT OF RECEIVING PHOTO CHRISTMAS CARDS

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PLEASE NO! NOT AGAIN!

A recent government study has revealed that nearly 40% of suicides in the US are the result of receiving photo Christmas cards from friends and family.  “We’ve come to the conclusion that people become very despondent when they receive a slew of these cards showing smiling families with their children and pets, in a perfect , “Ozzie and Harriet” setting,” said study director, Jerry Van Dike.  “When people continually get these cards, depicting all these perfect looking families, it makes many folks very depressed and sad, especially when they consider their own shitty lives,” he added.  

Many times, without even realizing it, these senders, include pages of written summaries of their wonderful families, events and experiences over the past year, and this causes the reader to slip even further into a suicidal state, according to the report.  

What can be done?  Van Dike suggests that people who send these photo cards every year, consider going to a more traditional Christmas Card or, at the very least, consider to whom you are sending these and whether that person has the mental strength to receive something like this.  “One thing is for sure, nobody wants to have the blood of their friends or family on their hands, especially not over the holidays,” said Van Dike. 

PATRIOTS TO GIVE OUT INFLATABLE BRADY DOLLS ON OPENING NIGHT

519nrG8ah8L._SL500_SR100,100_The New England Patriots opening game against the Pittsburgh Steelers was also a fan appreciation night.  The first 20,000 fans were each given an inflatable Tom Brady doll along with a chance to win $25,000 dollars in a halftime raffle.  

“We enjoy the support of our fans all season long and wanted to start off the 2015 schedule with a giveaway,” said owner Robert Craft.  “This is also a celebration of our latest Super Bowl victory and a homage to our Quarterback, for winning his fourth title.”  When asked about the safety of giving fans inflatables prior to a game, Craft responded that he ordered ushers to make sure the promotions were not inflated completely, so as to prevent any injury or security risks.  

The Pats next giveaway is scheduled for Halloween weekend when fans can expect to copies of the opponent’s playbook, autographed by Head Coach Bill Belichick along with a decoder ring which will allow them to pick up and translate the other team’s signals. 

PET ROSE: YES, I BET ON MY CHANCES OF GETTING INTO THE HALL OF FAME

10 to 1 In Favor

10 to 1 In Favor

Reds legend Pete Rose has admitted that he bet on his odds of making it into the Baseball Hall of Fame.  “I want to come clean,” Rose added, “I only bet on myself and not on any other potential candidates.”  

Rumors abounded that Rose was being considered for election into the Hall, despite his lifetime ban.  However, it’s unclear how this new revelation may impact that consideration.  Major League Baseball Spokesman, Howard Fine was quoted as saying, “The League and the members of the Hall are taking a close look at these allegations and how it might impact Mr. Rose’s consideration for induction.”  “As you can see, this is a unique and never before experienced situation, so it is extremely important that a thorough and independent look be taken into these events.” 

Rose was adamant  that he believes he committed no major infraction, and is looking forward to the committee’s re-examination of his prior banning from enshrinement into Cooperstown.