- In an effort to help the United States through its current Health Care difficulties, famed al Quaeda leader Osama Bin Laden has promised his help by offering to kill as many Americans as possible. Bin Laden let it be known that, “dead Americans don’t need Health Care.” He further states that, “despite our many differences I’m very willing to help with this American problem.” Bin Laden has promised to ramp up the execution of any and all Americans captured by his al Qaeda brethren, “Just as soon as we can get our hands on them.” “If Bin Laden keeps his promise it could have a very positive effect on our efforts to deal with the Health Care crisis we are facing,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “If we have a lot fewer people to insure it should make this whole Socialist government run Bureaucracy much more cost effective,” she added. “It’s a win win situation, added Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, nobody loses here.” “Hopefully, this can lead to more cooperation between our two peoples,” said Senator Reid. “Perhaps down the road we can normalize relations, and start selling them American made products like guns and missiles, stated a hopeful Reid. President Obama when informed about this gesture said he too was hopeful that we could bring these folks into the fold. Obama offered that, “Osama and Obama could become the Democrats mantra in the 2010 election
Oregon Middle School Principal Allison Couch has taken the unusual step of banning Huggy Bear from her school. Couch indicated that despite being a fan of Starsky & Hutch there is just no room in the school for Huggy Bear. “Because of him, students have been late to class, said Couch. “Many students have also indicated a certain level of discomfort with him around,” she added. Antonio Fargas could not be reached for comment. The ban goes in to effect immediately.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announced today that from now on all bills passing through Congress will be discussed and approved using the psychic abilities of its members. Touting the success of the recently “deemed” bill on healthcare, Pelosi and Reid decided to go one step further and just pass the bills “using our minds.” “Why go through the difficulty of having to physically appear at the Capitol and vote, when we can get the same results using our brain waves.” The new procedure will include an announcement of the pending bill, then each Congressman would get an hour to study the bill, followed by each member psychically sending thought waves to the leadership after which an announcement would be made of the final tally.
“I’m not sure we can go for this,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “How will we know if the Democrats will be honest with us?” “I’m going to have to talk to my membership and see what they think,” he added. “It just seems a little fishy.” Asked for his take on the issue, Reid said that it was silly of the Republicans to doubt the good intentions of his party. “What do we look like, a bunch of thieves or charlatans.” President Obama was expected to endorse the new plan. “I think the President is really excited about the possibilities.” stated Reid.
Authorities are looking into reports that during a Saturday service at the Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago an announcement was made over the loudspeaker for all white folks to get out. “We know the announcement wasn’t made at the main microphone,” said Reverend Willie Horton Jr. “We’re trying to track down the source of the announcement and we want all the crackers to know how deeply troubled we are.” Church organist Ann T. Gemima was quoted as saying, “If you axe me dey otta fin dat man and buy hisself a drink.” Gemima added, “I’s bin genst dem honkeys comin in tuz our church sins da first times I seen em dere.”
A white parishioner, Mary D. Mudder outlined how horrified and offended she was by this incident. “We all came together at least I thought so but, now I ain’t so sure.” I. M. White, head of the Chicago office of the N.A.A.W.P. indicated his office would investigate to find out how something like this could happen in such a diverse congregation. “I’m not sure but I’m thinking it’s possible that the white folks in that church may have had it coming on account of that “slavery thing” from the 1800’s. “There’s never enough punishment,” he added. “We deserve it.”
Major League Baseball has decided to incorporate a new policy permitting the use of Cocaine in certain game situations. Building on the precedent setting efforts of Texas Rangers Manager Ron Washington, Major League Baseball has decided to allow managers to use Cocaine in certain game situations. Washington indicated, that his success and ability to, “really focus man” has never been better then when he was buzzing. “It made all my decision making so much easier.” “I came to realize that when the game is on the line and the pressure is building, a quick snort can go a long way in bringing things in to perspective.” As a result of his groundbreaking work, Washington has become the rallying point for other managers seeking. to find a deeper meaning in the game. “It’s Nirvana for the managers,” said the Ranger Skipper, “I feel like a God”
Major League Baseball has decided to invest significant money into a pilot program whereby each manager will be given the opportunity to snort once in the game. “It will be up to the manager when he chooses to use his designated snort,” said league VP of Operations, Josh Gibson. “This will definitely be a new high point for the game,” he added.
The Congress and President Obama have finally come to an agreement on what action to take against that pesky document called the Constitution. “Were gonna toss the whole Damn thing” said Botox Spokes model and sometimes Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. “It just keeps getting in the way of our grand plan for this country and beside that, it’s old anyway.” President Obama was quick to endorse the idea and indicated he wouldn’t mind if they scrapped that Declaration paper too. “How in the hell am I supposed to run this country and when I am handicapped by these rules?” said Obama. “Those things were fine back in the day but, they really aren’t necessary today.” “I guess the next step will be to dismantle the Supreme Court since they will all be dead weight in an America without The Constitution,” he remarked. “Going down to two branches of government will be a great cost saving and help to streamline the whole process,” Pelosi added, “I can’t wait.”
After much thought and consideration the federal government has decided that it is perfectly OK to leave children behind in our schools after all. “The seven year push to increase standards in public education has been a massive failure.” admits Thomas Leight, Deputy Director of the Department of Education. “We have just been wasting a shitload of money and everyone’s time with this program.” It’s about time it comes to a halt.” Leight went on to say, ” with the number of useless, fat ass and lazy kids we have running around this country after seven years of this nonsense, we’ve got to cut our losses and move on.” Leight further indicated that the billions of dollars spent trying to educate our worthless youth that the money could be better spent in other areas. “Perhaps we should be looking at projects that will actually improve our country and our future,” he added. “Maybe we could have mail delivery on Sunday or even use that money to build some new prisons for these same juveniles.”
The Washington Gazette Ledger reports that with this plan in place we can look to a future filled with kids not being stressed by the demands of academia and more able to have good times and fun. “What’s the sense of learning Math and how to write when I can get a Welfare check for just sitting on my butt,” asked DC Central senior Josh Bygolly? “I really wish this new plan had gone into effect years ago when I was in middle school, so I wouldn’t have wasted so much of my time being forced to learn stuff.” Bygolly said his parents are forcing him to go to college but he doesn’t expect his younger brother will have to go through the same torture. “My brother is really lucky,” said Bygolly, “he won’t be forced to go through what I did.” Bygolly added that he was going to try to talk his parents into letting him go to a two year school or maybe something like a Tech thingy. “I just don’t want to waste another four years, I’m trying to cut my losses,” he added.