Pittsburgh TV stations WTAE, KDKA and WPXI have pooled their weathermen so as to more effectively frighten viewers during weather related events. The group henceforth to be known as, “The Pittsburgh Predictors” will share their multimillion dollar weather gathering technology in the hopes of getting it right a few times. Executives at the three stations determined that the forecasters were not creating enough fear and apprehension during snow and rain events in the area. “Bringing these goofballs together will up the fear factor ten-fold,” said Sunny Drysdale, director of KDKA’s Weather Center Productions. “We can’t have people not rushing out to the stores to stock up on milk and toilet paper just because there is only going to be an inch or two of snow'” she said. “We have got to be consistent and together on all channels if we are going to scare the shit out of those 80 year olds and get them off to the supermarket.” “After all Giant Eagle is one of our biggest sponsors and it’s our job to send some business their way.”
“I don’t think any community our size has a more wonderfully goofy line-up of weather people than we do. It was a mistake not to bring them together a long time ago.” Drysdale stated that Julie Blowmea will head up the group and Bobbin’ Jonny Burnthead will be her back up. It was announced that all weather broadcasts will begin with the emergency signal from the National Weather Service followed by flashing lights on the weather map. Drysdale said he is petitioning the FCC to allow the volume to be “turned up really fucking high” during the broadcasts.
WPXI executive Fred Roosevelt warned against expecting this kind of cooperation within the big three’s news or sports divisions. “We feel we each have a strong set of knuckleheads in the Newsroom and quite frankly nobody wants to put Wiggins and Brown in the same room anyway.” Rumor has it that those two haven’t liked each other since the early nineties, according to station insiders. supposedly, something happened in the ladies room at the Hyatt Regency back in ’91 involving vegetables and olive oil, said an unnamed insider.
As far as sports goes KDKA General Manager Don Keyotee spoke for all when he said that “we are satisfied that we all have an obnoxious enough Sports Department and there would be no benefit in cooperating in this area.” It comes down to this, we’ve got Pimpyannie and PXI’s got that Cheshire Cat, John Fuddko and TAE’s got that young baby faced kid who don’t know shit but, is cute as hell. “All in all each of us is very satisfied”, remarked Keyotee.
It is anticipated that each station will expand their weather reports to 30 minutes in order to maximize the terror. It is expected that the group will use the facilities of WPXI and it’s 1.21 Gigawatt Dopplar Weather Catcher Thingy, to gather the information for the broadcasts.
Footnote added March 15. The inspiration for the above post was the constant drumbeat of the weatherpersons on our three local TV stations this past week about the huge floods that were going to his our area (Pittsburgh) over the last couple of days. We were expected to get bad flooding, many people moved their entire basements and first floor to higher ground and the local officials even invoked the disaster area declaration days ahead of time. We were to get over an inch and one half of rain and with the snow melt , devastation was forecast. Well we got about three quarters of an inch of rain and the snow runoff was much less than forecast. So basically, the idiot weather-people scared the shit out or everyone again and then yelled, “NEVERMIND.” I’m sure you can imagine how pissed many folks are around here. They do this thing kind of regularly in these parts and we don’t like it. They constantly call out the Bogeyman and most times nothing. All this failure with millions of dollars of prognosticating equipment that they brag about endlessly on their ads. PISS OFF ALREADY Jeffy, Bobby Julie, Kevin and all the rest of you. I hope a house falls on your head.