After much thought and consideration the federal government has decided that it is perfectly OK to leave children behind in our schools after all. “The seven year push to increase standards in public education has been a massive failure.” admits Thomas Leight, Deputy Director of the Department of Education. “We have just been wasting a shitload of money and everyone’s time with this program.” It’s about time it comes to a halt.” Leight went on to say, ” with the number of useless, fat ass and lazy kids we have running around this country after seven years of this nonsense, we’ve got to cut our losses and move on.” Leight further indicated that the billions of dollars spent trying to educate our worthless youth that the money could be better spent in other areas. “Perhaps we should be looking at projects that will actually improve our country and our future,” he added. “Maybe we could have mail delivery on Sunday or even use that money to build some new prisons for these same juveniles.”
The Washington Gazette Ledger reports that with this plan in place we can look to a future filled with kids not being stressed by the demands of academia and more able to have good times and fun. “What’s the sense of learning Math and how to write when I can get a Welfare check for just sitting on my butt,” asked DC Central senior Josh Bygolly? “I really wish this new plan had gone into effect years ago when I was in middle school, so I wouldn’t have wasted so much of my time being forced to learn stuff.” Bygolly said his parents are forcing him to go to college but he doesn’t expect his younger brother will have to go through the same torture. “My brother is really lucky,” said Bygolly, “he won’t be forced to go through what I did.” Bygolly added that he was going to try to talk his parents into letting him go to a two year school or maybe something like a Tech thingy. “I just don’t want to waste another four years, I’m trying to cut my losses,” he added.