NEW NHL GOALIE TO DEBUT IN PLAYOFFS

Pens Goalie Warmup

Seeking to shore up their goalie position for the playoffs the Pittsburgh Penguins have signed Japanese Sumo Super Star Kim Lee Sung to a rookie contract.  “This was a fantastic idea that came up at one of our coaches meetings,”  says GM Ray Shero.  “We were just sitting around thinking about how cool it would be to have a fat goaltender on the team,” Shero added.  “Then it just came to me, why not a really really really fat guy?”  “If the goal is six feet wide, why not have a goalie that is also six feet wide?”   Hockey commentators are unified in noting that this move will revolutionize the game.  “Hockey as we know it will change forever,” said Don Cherry.  “This may be the greatest idea ever,”   he said.

The Pens plan to use Sung in their upcoming series against Montreal.  “Right now the biggest problem we have is finding equipment big enough to fit this guy,” said Pens equipment manager Josh Baine.  “We’re probably going to have to get some gear specially made but, that shouldn’t be a problem.”   It’s unclear at this time as to how the team will get Sung out to his position on the ice since he doesn’t skate.  “We may have to get him in position using a crane system of some kind,” added the GM.  “Whatever it takes we are going to make this happen.” Current goalie Marc-Andre Fleury could not be reached for comment.

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NFL TO CHANGE NAME

Based on a survey ordered by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, the National Football League has opted to change its name to the National Felons League.  “This new name is designed to appeal to the clientele that most associates with our star athletes,” said Goodell.    “By taking on a more meaningful moniker, we can relate more closely to the typical football fan.”  “The thug, the punk, ex-con will really be comfortable with this,” added the Commissioner.

“With primary role models such as Ben Roethlisberger, Ray Lewis, Chris Henry, Santonio Holmes, O.J. Simpson, Jim Brown, Nate Newton, Michael Irvin, Mark Chmura and a host of others, we are just reaching out to all those fans who love these guys.”

Goodell also noted that, “The NFL has always been a fan friendly organization, willing to do what it takes to meet the needs and interests of our fans.”   We considered  other options like the National Fuck-up League but settled on our choice after deciding that inserting a profanity into the name might cause some fans to be too upset.  The new name takes effect immediately.

KKK TO SPONSOR “NIGHT AT THE RACISTS” FUNDRAISER

Hymie Weinberg Grand Dragon of the Provo Utah KKK recently announced a fundraiser for the area chapter of the Knights involving what he termed, “A Night at the Racists.”  According to Weinberg , tickets for the event will be $20.00 for KKK members and $25.00 for non-members.   Weinberg said that the event will involve betting on coon and monkey races, the usual corn whiskey drinking contest, watermelon rolling contest, a fried chicken eating contest and for the kids, an Adolph Hitler drawing contest as well as a pin the nose on the Jew contest.  Prizes will be awarded along with free copies of Mein Kampf to each person purchasing a ticket.   Proceeds from the event will be used to purchase new robes and lumber for this fall’s cross burning picnic.

CATHOLIC CHURCH TO TAKE OVER OPERATION OF BOYS TOWN

Reformed Priest

The Vatican announced that the Catholic Church of America will be given full charge of Father Flanagan’s Boy Town in Nebraska.  The Church plans to use the facility to serve as a testing ground for priests completing treatment for pedophilia.  Omaha Bishop James Roberts stated that the idea behind the plan is to allow for the, “full and complete testing” of our priests before they are moved back into different churches around the USA.  “We think this is the best possible test that can be use,”  said Bishop Roberts.  “We should get a pretty good indication of whether or not our 10 point treatment plan is working, He added.  The church plans to send the priests into the Boys Town facility after they complete a 45 day pedophilia treatment program, which includes watching videos, meeting with church psychologists and lots of praying. If the priest makes it through that part of the program they will then be assigned to a house on the Boys Town Campus with anywhere from 12-14 boys inside.  At this point the reforming pedophile will be unsupervised so as to build up the confidence that he can have contact with young males without doing anything sinful.  The priests will be required to attend one meeting a week during their six month on site rehabilitation and write two papers regarding their experiences.  Assuming, both parts of the treatment plan are completed successfully, the priest will receive a certificate indicating their completion of the course.  Following the graduation ceremony each fully reformed pedophile will be assigned a new parish in a different state and will be given a new identity. The Vatican expects to return 9500 priests to the “hood” after just two years.

JFK DEATH EXPLAINED BY JACKSON DOCTOR

Notice The Bulge in Kennedy's Pants

In a surprise announcement at his hearing regarding the death of Pop Celebrity Michael Jackson, the Dr. Conrad Murray, accused of injecting Jackson with a fatal dose of drugs presented his defense today.  Murray’s attorney indicated that Jackson killed himself by injecting a needle loaded with propofol into his thigh while Murray was in the rest room.  Murray indicated that in addition to Jackson’s suicide he had information proving that President Kennedy fired the fatal shot into his own head while riding in the motorcade in Dallas in 1963.  According to Murray, Kennedy was distraught over the death a year earlier of his one true love, Marilyn Monroe.  “If you look closely at the Zapruder Film, Murray said, you can see him reach into his jacket and pull out a 45.”  There is no question Kennedy’s death was the result of his own actions, just like Michael,” added the doctor.  “Once this Kennedy thing comes out, it won’t be difficult for a jury to see how Jackson could do the same.”

USE OF TASERS ON UNRULY STUDENTS APPROVED

America's Newest Education Advancement

Beginning in September 2010 teachers across America will have another weapon in their arsenal to help control their classrooms.  The US Congress has approved the use of  tasers in public schools.  After a lengthy discussion and much debate a bill has passed the Senate and is expected to be sent to President Obama for his signature.  The bill allows for the US Department of Education to fund the purchase of a taser for every classroom in the country and requires the states to pay for the teacher training on their use.  It is expected that the tasers will have a minimum and moderate setting to allow use in both elementary and secondary schools.

“This is really going to help us in our daily battles with the little bastards,” said Mary Hadalam, a second grade teacher at Arnold Elementary School in Arnold, PA.  “I can’t tell you how many times in the past 27 years I could have used something like this.”  “From now on when I say recess is over, those little shits will move their asses back into the building.”   “Finally, the government passed a law that makes sense,” said Lucille Marcillo,” a seventh grade reading teacher from Kent City Schools in Ohio.  “It will help in both discipline and academics,” she added.  “Paddling has been outlawed a long time but, this is going to be better,” added Joe Bandi, a high school math teacher from New York’s Watervliet School District.

Congressman Jason Altmire from PA one of 77 co-sponsors of the Bill in the House of Representatives said that the bill has a provision that prevents parents from suing the school district or any teachers for using this new educational tool.  “It wouldn’t have made sense to approve this legislation and not add this provision, we have to make sure the public schools don’t have to worry about frivolous lawsuits while they are trying to clean up American Schools”.  “We are considering another bill which would allow the tasers to be used by parents at home as well,” he added.