Former President Jimmy Carter is said to be elated with the direction of the Obama Presidency. An unnamed source close to Carter indicated that the former President is “happier than a pig in sh*t,” that Obama is set to supplant him as America‘s worst President. “Carter can’t believe that things are going south so quickly.” He’s only been in office for 16 months and he’s already neck and neck with Carter in terms of failures,” added the source. “With the Healthcare debacle, the catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, the terrible appointments and resignations within in the administration, the Rod Blagojevich scandal, and now the emerging Joe Sestak, Bill Clinton controversy, it looks like Obama is going to be at the top of the America’s worst President list all by himself. The source went on to say, “I can’t tell you how happy President Carter is,by all these developments.” “He’s been at the top for the past thirty years and he is looking forward to dropping down a peg while he is still alive to enjoy it.” “If things continue at this pace, Obama will be so far ahead of anybody else, it could be a hundred years before anyone this bad comes along, if ever,” said the source. Carter’s family is said to be planning a “big party” for the ex-President to celebrate.
Someone has upset the proverbial apple cart. At this time it is not known who is responsible however local police and sheriff’s deputies are investigating. “There is quite a bit of damage but, it is localized to the area near the apple cart,” said Sergeant Joe Peel of the Walla Walla Police Department. “I’m afraid the apples are a total loss,” he added. “We can report that there were no major injuries other than the operator of the apple cart, who sprained his ankle when he slipped in the apple juices. “This is the third incident this year,” according to neighbor Vivian Adams. “In January, someone spilled the beans and just last week my husband dodged a bullet.” “Its got the whole neighborhood on edge,” said Adams.
In a stunning response to the Arizona Law against illegal immigration, President Obama has ordered two dozen nuclear armed missiles pointed at the state. Administration officials stated that the President wants to show those racists in Arizona that he means business when it comes to turning a blind eye to the millions of illegals entering the USA. Unnamed sources have stated that during a high level meeting at which the Arizona law was discussed, Obama was quoted as saying , “those fu*king cowboys need to be taught a lesson.” “These folks are democrats in waiting and they need to be allowed into the country with impunity.” The missiles, each with multiple warheads, would generate enough power to level half of the state. Presidential spokesman Robert Gibbs said that, “the President isn’t going to tolerate any state protecting its own borders and citizens without interference from the federal government. “That’s why we’re here, to get in everyone’s business and screw with things.” Gibbs promised that if Arizona doesn’t back down from its tough stand, the federal response will be, “swift and punishing.
Arizona state officials had no comment however, Senator John McCain when hearing of the federal action said, “I think I’m against that.”
After much pondering, President Obama has granted authority to the Joint Chiefs of Staff to establish a special unit of the Army, which will be known as , “The Gay Beret.”” Obama’s decision was prompted by the continuing confusion regarding the military’s “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Policy.”
“There shouldn’t any confusion about the orientation of this unit,” said General James Eunich. “We don’t have any doubt that this group will be a proud representation of everything the army stands for,” he added. “These men will be fully trained in the art of slap fighting, cat fighting, advanced slapping and interior decoration,” Eunich chimed. “We expect that the men in this unit will be buff to a fault and display their agility by using top and bottom techniques of attack. The unit will use the rainbow as their the unit symbol. They ae expected to train in San Francisco and should be ready for combat by mid July.
In a last ditch effort to stop the massive oil leak in the Gulf , BP has announced that it has contracted with Disney’s Little Mermaid to contain the leak. It is anticipated that Ariel and her army of friends could have the leak contain within 48 hours. “We are waiting for the contract to be drawn up and signed,” said James White, BP’s head of Western Hemisphere Operations. “We really think we are going to get in done in just a few more days,” he added. “Ariel and her army of sea creatures will have full access to all our equipment and technology.” “She may be a bit old and smelly but, she makes up for that with her smarts.” “We are extremely confident she will get the job done.” The Mermaid was not available to comment but issued a press release stating her goals. “My team and I have great confidence that we can do this,” she said. It is not know at the present time if Ariel’s ex-husband, Prince Eric would be involved in the operation.
Greeks continue to march in the streets looting and burning after finding out they will have to go to work and earn a paycheck rather than rely on their government to provide for them. “What are we to do?” wailed Adamos Aldephos, after hearing the news. “We Greeks don’t know how to work or earn money,” he added. “My life is destroyed.” “I’m only 25 and now I am told I may have to work for thirty or forty years before I can get a government check.” “How does one live like this, it is inhuman.” The Greek News Agency reported that with the Greek debt equal to 125% of its economy it will become necessary for the Greek people to go to work. Baltazor Belios, head of Greece‘s newly created Department of Labor, said that, “It is time for all Greeks to sacrifice for the good of the nation.” “We must teach our young that work is necessary and set a good example.” This appears to be a tough sell to the average Greek who is used to government welfare and who has no idea about the “work thing.” “I’m not sure what I’m going to do added, Delphina Chatalios, I’ve really never even thought about it.” “We we told that the Government is there for the use of the people and to provide for us, what do they expect us to do?”
As the Greek government comes to grips with this new crisis its people are, at the present time, reacting quite badly. Greece, once a model of Socialism, is on the brink of chaos and disintegration. Rioters are carrying banners with slogans such as; “F**K WORKING GIVE ME WHAT I DESERVE”, “WORK IS FOR CAPITALISTS,” “CHECK YES–WORK NO!”
Greece’s President Karolos Papoulias said in a recent interview, “My hope is that this need to work in order to get money is just a temporary thing and it will be in short order that the Greek people will be able to go back to their customary lifestyle of living off the fruits of the government.” Papoulias added that, “We Greeks are a resilient people and will not allow our casual lifestyle to be disrupted for long.” “The government is for the people’s use and pleasure, we will not allow the foreign concept of working to become a permanent yoke around our necks!” “Zeus willing, we will overcome this setback and return to the greatness of the empire.”
Though he recently announced he wouldn’t play golf with Rush Limbaugh, President Obama did take a few minutes to outline a list of folks he would be more than happy to play with. Included on the list recently released to CNN include; Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Arlen Specter and VP Joe Biden. Obama also indicated his willingness to play with Saul Alinsky, Tommy Chong, O.J Simpson, Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme, Stephen Hawking and that “chick with the big tits from Baywatch.” Obama also said that his dream game would be with Karl Marx, while his favorite course is the sprawling “18 Hole Nairobi National Course in my home country of Kenya.”