BYRD’S DEATH NOT EXPECTED TO EFFECT VOTING ABILITY

Still Voting

His death at 92 is not expected to effect the ability of  West Virginia Senator, Robert Byrd to cast votes in the US Senate, announced Majority Leader Harry Reid.

“We aren’t concerned about losing any close votes in the Senate, quipped Reid.  “We will expect the same loyalty from Senator Byrd post mortum as he gave us prior to his death.”  Here in the Obama World where black is white, high is low, big is little, we are just going to keep counting his votes as we would have expected them to be, cast when he was alive,” added the Majority Leader.

Byrd had to be awakened from his walking coma of the past 15 years to be informed of his passing.  “Not much has really changed now that his death is official,”  remarked fellow West Virginia Senator, Jay Rockefeller.  Dealing with Bob the past few years has pretty much been like dealing with a dead man anyway,” he said.  “I know West Virginians can continue to enjoy the benefits of Senator Byrd’s votes for many years to come.”   Byrd has agreed to the customary funeral arrangements but, fully expects to be back voting in the next few days.  Byrd was quoted as saying, “mumble, mumble, drool drool, toot toot, yawn yawn, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz” as he was given the news of his death.  “He really took it in stride,” said Rockefeller.

U.S. MOBILIZES NAVAL A-TEAM TO FIGHT GULF SPILL

With the Gulf Oil Spill in it’s second month and BP out of ideas on how to cap the leak in the Gulf,  the U. S. government has chosen to activate its most experienced and talented naval unit.  This unit will be deployed into the Gulf area with orders to “do whatever is necessary” to bring the nightmare leak to an end.  The unit has been authorized by the President of The United States to take control of all Gulf operations and report directly to him.

The unit is led by Captain Jonas Grumby along with his first officer, identified only as Gilligan.  Others include a billionaire environmentalist, Thurston Howell, his wife and company CEO, Lovey Howell.  Also on the team was science officer and techno-wizard , Professor Roy Hinkley,  Ginger Grant, an actress and deep sea diving expert and a country girl named Mary Ann Sommers, described as a master of deep water dynamics.   The team is scheduled to assemble tomorrow and commence immediately on a three-hour trip into the spill area.

The group is widely known throughout military and scientific circles for their ingenuity and survival skills and is rumored to be able to build a working radio out of a pineapple,  a peddle powered washing machine, as well as a variety of rafts, small sailing vessels, booby traps and luxury huts, with no apparent tools or resources.  “We just don’t have anyone else like these guys,” acknowledged Obama.  “I’m confident once these guys get on sight we will see a dramatic reduction of the rate at which the oil is leaking.”

JETHRO BODINE NAMED NEW EDUCATION CZAR

New Czar Pushes Cypherin

In a stunning move designed to improve America’s failing public education system, President Obama is set to appoint Jethro Bodine of Beverly Hills, his new czar of education.  In this position Bodine will report directly to the President regarding all things educationally related.  Reports say he has been instructed by the President to, “fix dat der education system right quick.”   Bodine comes to the new position vastly qualified according to his Uncle, millionaire Jed Clampett.  “Why Jethro done got hisself a mighty high degree of book learnin,” stated Mr. Clampett.  “He’s got hisself a degree from the sixth grade,” Clampett added proudly.

Bodine is expected to start his new job as soon as he recovers from a broken arm supposedly inflicted when he was rasslin his cousin Elle May down by the ceement pond.  Mr. Bodine when asked to comment replied, “dang nabbit, I woulda done started this here new job if it wasn’t for Elle foolin around.”  Bodine says he would be willing to listen to ideas from citizens who could reach him by phone at;  six-naught-five-three-three-five-naught-naught-two-six.

URINE VAN DER SLOOT TELLS COPS TO “PISS OFF”

Piss Off Jack

Accused murderer “Urine” Van Der Sloot has told Peruvian Police to “piss off” during questioning regarding the murder of  Stephny Flores.  Van Der Sloot has been mostly uncooperative with the polices since his arrest a few weeks ago.  “I’m sick and tired of all the questions,”  Van Der Sloot said.   “I just want to be left alone.”  The only time I’ll say anything is when these peasants transfer me to the Aruban authorities.”   “I’m on a tight schedule when it comes to killing,” he added.  “This incarceration crap is slowing me down.”   Urine fully expects to be released soon, “so I can get back to what I do best,” he added.  Van Der Sloot is also said to be angry over the continue mispronunciation of his name by the media.  It’s “your on, he quipped, “NOT Urine!”

U.S. GOVERNMENT DECIDES TO GIVE UP ON SPILL

We Give Up

After meeting with this political advisers President Barack Obama has decided to order everyone involved in the Gulf Oil Spill Disaster to give up.   In a late evening message from the White House Situation Room, Obama issued a press release indicating that the government was going to just stop trying to plug the leak in the Gulf and in his words, “go with the flow.”   After battling for over two months to cap the leak and attempt to clean up the oil,  this Presidential order will bring all work to a halt,  both by BP and the US Coast Guard.  “It’s time for everyone to just go home and forget about it,”  the President said.    “One thing about we Americans, is that we know when we’re beaten,” he added.  The order states that, “all efforts regarding the Oil Spill in the Gulf are to be halted within 48 hours.”  After ordering the halt, the President was expected to go down to the White House bowling alley to, “knock down a few pins and drink a couple of beers.”

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal when hearing the nears was quoted as saying, “What the fuck is that moron thinking?”  He’s going to kill off the state of Louisiana and probably several others, as well.”   Jindal added that, “there is no fucking way we are going to obey this order here in Louisiana.”   He is said to have mobilized the Louisiana National Guard in preparation for war.

QVC HOST ACCIDENTLY DISPLAYS NON-GORGEOUS, NON-FABULOUS PIECE ON TV

Maybe Average at Best

In a move that is bound to send shock waves throughout the television shopping industry QVC hostess Mary Cleaver inadvertently displayed a piece of jewelry found to be non-fabulous AND  non-gorgeous.  She had just finished showing a really really gorgeous Eternity Band Ring when she reaches down and pulls up this frumpy looking oval ring that looked like something out of a Cracker Jack Box.  The error immediately set off a flurry of irate phone calls to the company offices in West Chester PA.  “The phone lines were tied up all afternoon,” said Alan Beech, one of a group of QVC Managers called in to handle the crisis.  “We’re trying to get to the bottom of what happened.”  “I can tell you that when we find out, heads will roll.”  This marks the first time in the company’s long history that a non-gorgeous piece of jewelry made it onto the airwaves.  “We pride ourselves in taking great care to insure that only pieces of high quality, get on camera,” added Ron Phillips, director of quality control for the company.  “Right now we are focusing on Cleaver and we are trying to look at the in house cameras to see if we can figure out what went wrong.”  “Regardless, heads are going to roll over this,” he chimed.

LAST MAN STANDING FALLS TO HIS DEATH

LOOKOUT!!!!!!

The last man standing has fallen.  Once the icon for the poor and the pathetic masses of humanity, a rock solid and steady example of the brave and courageous human spirit, is no longer.  He is believed to have toppled over sometime last evening between nine and ten o’clock.  “I don’t know what happened, one second he was up and everything appeared normal then, I looked over, saw him staggering a bit and down he went,” said Sam Holesopple.  Holesopple, known to be the man’s long time friend appeared to be in shock.  Holesopple added that he did not believe the toppling was a result of, “knocking down a few drinks at Mulligans,” shortly before the incident.  “The dude was always a rock and I’ve seen him drink a lot more than what he had last night.”  Brockway police are investigating and a full report will be issued within the week.  Funeral arrangements are incomplete.