CATHOLIC CHURCH TO SELL OFF ITEMS TO RAISE MONEY

Shroud Up For Sale

Mired in a huge sex scandal involving a number of priests and facing the task of paying millions in lawsuits around the globe the Catholic Church has opted to begin selling items from the Vatican’s vast collection of historical relics and artifacts.  Some of the items set to be auctioned include; the sandals worn by Jesus when he multiplied the loaves and fishes, a pair of high heals worn by Mary Magdalene when she walked the streets of Nazareth , a gold chain attached to the head of John the Baptist, a set of die used by the Roman Soldiers who were casting lots for Jesus’ clothes at his Crucifixion, the plate originally meant to be used to identify Jesus on the cross,  mistakenly  inscribed with the words, “King of the Shews”  (this item was never used due to the misspelling) . and the rope used by Judas to hang himself following the death of Jesus.

Vatican curator, Cardinal Luigi Mesaloni said, “these items are one of a kind and we expect top dollar from the collectors.”  When asked how the Church came up with the idea, he said,  “We were brain storming one evening during a visit to the Sistine Chapel about ways to get the cash to pay the lawsuits, and one of our brothers, Cardinal Alberto Pujols, I think it was, said something about having a yard sale.”   “This got us all thinking and we decided to run it by the Holy Father and he was all in, from the beginning,” he added.   “We’ve already got a bunch of really cool stuff and we haven’t even looked in attic yet,”  said the Cardinal.  “My favorite so far is the autographed copy of the Shroud of Turin, signed by the Guisueppe Lendalino, a first century Roman tattoo artist,  who painted on that really lifelike outline of a dead guy.”

MLB TO LEGALIZE STEROIDS

Juicing Returns

Major League Baseball announced today that it would reverse its current strategy and allow the use of performance enhancing drugs for all players beginning in the 2011 season.  “We feel that due to the anemic play throughout the league it is necessary to reconsider our decision to ban steroids,” announced league spokesman John Rocker.  “The hitting is crappy, we’ve had 10 no-hitters this season alone and the pitcher’s ERA’s are sky high,” he added.   “The present crop of players is really watered down and very low on talent.”  “In fact probably half our players should be in the minors,” remarked player’s union attorney Ron Stone.   “In watching  most teams play one would think they are at a Little League game, it’s brutal.”

A league memo indicated that the steroids would be administered by medical personnel and their quality will be second to none.   “The league has made a commitment to an organized and supervised system of player drug use and we certainly expect excellent results,” said an unnamed manager.  “We’ve got to get the home run totals and batting averages back up or we risk losing the fans,” he continued.  “Steroids were a big part of the glory years of baseball and all we want to do is bring that back for our fans.”   “And the best thing about it all is that the shots will be covered under the new health-care legislation,” said League Commissioner Bud Selig.

MAN LIVING ON THE EDGE, FALLS OFF

A Bit Too Close

A Bit Too Close

It has been reported that a man living on the edge has fallen to his death.  Jacob Berwanger, of Spokane, who spent the last five years of his life living on the edge was killed on Sunday, under what police are calling, “very suspicious circumstances.”   Reports indicate he had just completed drinking a full bottle of gin when he set out to climb the outside of the city’s 32 story office complex in downtown Spokane.  Witnesses say that they looked up and saw a man nearly at the top of the skyscraper who was teetering on the edge of the building. Berwanger, described by a neighbor as, “a fucking loon,”  was known to constantly push the envelope way past common sense.  Neighbors described him as a guy that would drink a case of Miller Lite then go out in the back yard with his chainsaw and cut branches off his maple trees.   “It wasn’t unusual to see him smoke a joint then go over to a local swamp area we call, Alligator Creek and dive in head first off the top branch of an elm tree,”  said friend Jeff Witman.  “He knew that swamp was full of gators but, that was all part of how Jacob lived.”   “He had more balls than the New York Yankees,” he added.  Berwanger’s girlfriend, Molly Hatcher described how Berwanger would tie a bedsheet to himself and then run full speed off a thirty foot cliff near the Creek while flapping his arms like a bird.  “I think he broke his arm once and later both legs,” she said.  His best friend Josh Quinlin summed it up best when he said, “Damn that dude was one crazy motherfucker.”  Berwanger’s Will indicated his last wish was to have his body dropped into the Mount St. Helens Volcano.  However, it was not clear at the present time if state officials would allow that request to be honored.

SATIRICAL WEB SITE LACED WITH SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES

A local Pittsburgh blog,  CARBOLICSMOKEBALL,  has admitted to hiding subliminal messages within its stories.  The messages appear to be an effort of blatant mind-control which renders the reader helpless and unable to recognize fact from fiction.  It’s unclear who is behind the effort but clearly the work has been going on for a long time.  According to investigators the number of confused and misguided callers they were dealing with had one link in common and that was the fact that each and everyone was a reader of the blog.  “I’ve never seen anything like it,” said chief investigator Vic Timm, of the Pittsburgh FBI Office.  “The people kept calling local law enforcement with stories of LeBron James entering a seminary,spy swaps,  Supreme Court nominee, Elena Kagan posing for Playgirl and the supposed criminality of asking people if, “its hot enough for ya?”

CarbolicSmokeBall has been in existence since 2005   The investigation is ongoing.

BP TO CAP MEL GIBSON

Gibson in Happier Times

British Petroleum engineers are being brought in to cap Mel Gibson.  The loudmouth Hollywood Actor’s latest rants caught the attention of law enforcement who in turn got a local judge to issue an order approving the use of one of BP’s caps, originally intended for use in the Gulf, on Gibson.  “This guy has such a big mouth it’s going to take something like this to shut him up,” said Judge Harvey Lewis.  “Since BP has several of these laying around at the moment, I agreed with law enforcement that is would be a good idea to use one in this case.”    BP has stated that the cap should work to help slow the spill coming from Gibson’s mouth.  BP Executive John Walsh stated that, “the nice thing about this is we can just get away with using the cap and there won’t be any need to drill anything.”   The process is expected to take two days.  Gibson and his staff had no comment.

LEBRON JAMES PROCLAIMS “I’M MORE POPULAR THAN JESUS”

In an eerie quote reminiscent of his favorite musician, Lebron James has declared himself  to be, “more popular than Jesus.”  James made his announcement from his headquarters in South Beach.  It was originally believed  that James would make the announcement from Cleveland but, decided to make it from his new HQ in Miami.  In a second announcement James also declared himself ,  “king of the forest,”  “top of the heap,”  “A number one”, and “smarter than the average bear.”

In a stunningly quick response Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert called James, “an asshole.”  NBA Commissioner David Stern immediately fined Gilbert $100,000.

OBAMA TO SUE TRUMAN DECENDENT OVER A-BOMB USE

Harry S. Truman

President Barack Obama announced today that his administration would file a lawsuit against the last living relative of former President Harry S. Truman over the late President’s use of nuclear missiles against Japan in 1945.  Obama plans to sue 95 year old Vance Truman for “One Gazillion Dollars.”  Obama was quoted as saying that, “someone has to be held accountable for the misery we caused the Japanese.”  “If there is one thing I can’t stand it’s a state trying to protect its borders or a former President trying to save the lives of his own citizens,”  Obama added.  “If I was president in 1945 we would have attacked each and every island the Japanese were holding, one at a time, until we defeated them fair and square.”   “Sure it would have meant a million more American casualties but,  at least we would have been considered nicer.”    “This is all part of  my plan to fix America.”  “Getting rid of that pesky Constitution, taking over Healthcare, giving amnesty to the illegals, filing lawsuits and all that good stuff.”   After filing the lawsuit against Truman, the Obama administration is expected to announce his intention to have the Black Panthers replace the Secret Service as Presidential bodyguards.