Juicing Returns

Major League Baseball announced today that it would reverse its current strategy and allow the use of performance enhancing drugs for all players beginning in the 2011 season.  “We feel that due to the anemic play throughout the league it is necessary to reconsider our decision to ban steroids,” announced league spokesman John Rocker.  “The hitting is crappy, we’ve had 10 no-hitters this season alone and the pitcher’s ERA’s are sky high,” he added.   “The present crop of players is really watered down and very low on talent.”  “In fact probably half our players should be in the minors,” remarked player’s union attorney Ron Stone.   “In watching  most teams play one would think they are at a Little League game, it’s brutal.”

A league memo indicated that the steroids would be administered by medical personnel and their quality will be second to none.   “The league has made a commitment to an organized and supervised system of player drug use and we certainly expect excellent results,” said an unnamed manager.  “We’ve got to get the home run totals and batting averages back up or we risk losing the fans,” he continued.  “Steroids were a big part of the glory years of baseball and all we want to do is bring that back for our fans.”   “And the best thing about it all is that the shots will be covered under the new health-care legislation,” said League Commissioner Bud Selig.


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