CATHOLIC CHURCH TO SELL OFF ITEMS TO RAISE MONEY

Shroud Up For Sale

Mired in a huge sex scandal involving a number of priests and facing the task of paying millions in lawsuits around the globe the Catholic Church has opted to begin selling items from the Vatican’s vast collection of historical relics and artifacts.  Some of the items set to be auctioned include; the sandals worn by Jesus when he multiplied the loaves and fishes, a pair of high heals worn by Mary Magdalene when she walked the streets of Nazareth , a gold chain attached to the head of John the Baptist, a set of die used by the Roman Soldiers who were casting lots for Jesus’ clothes at his Crucifixion, the plate originally meant to be used to identify Jesus on the cross,  mistakenly  inscribed with the words, “King of the Shews”  (this item was never used due to the misspelling) . and the rope used by Judas to hang himself following the death of Jesus.

Vatican curator, Cardinal Luigi Mesaloni said, “these items are one of a kind and we expect top dollar from the collectors.”  When asked how the Church came up with the idea, he said,  “We were brain storming one evening during a visit to the Sistine Chapel about ways to get the cash to pay the lawsuits, and one of our brothers, Cardinal Alberto Pujols, I think it was, said something about having a yard sale.”   “This got us all thinking and we decided to run it by the Holy Father and he was all in, from the beginning,” he added.   “We’ve already got a bunch of really cool stuff and we haven’t even looked in attic yet,”  said the Cardinal.  “My favorite so far is the autographed copy of the Shroud of Turin, signed by the Guisueppe Lendalino, a first century Roman tattoo artist,  who painted on that really lifelike outline of a dead guy.”

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