Loaves and Fishes

Violence flared at the Restoring Honor Rally sponsored by Radio Host Glenn Beck on Saturday because the crowd apparently believed  Beck was going to turn the seven loaves and fishes he had with him on stage,  into enough to feed all 500,000 in attendance.  A number of small skirmishes broke out around the Mall and Reflecting Pool as Beck announced he was unable to perform the expected miracle.  “There was a lot of pushing and shoving that started when Glenn held the basket up for nearly 20 minutes and kept mumbling something, and nothing happened,” said faithful follower Jack Lee of Beckley, West Virginia.  “We left home about two in the morning to get here to get a great spot and we just figured Glenn was going to feed us,” he added.   “As more  and more people in the crowd realized that the food items in the basket were not multiplying, it went downhill from there,” said Holly Mathers.   “We really thought he was going to pull it off but, he just couldn’t muster up the magic.”

When Beck realized things weren’t going as planned he began to look for ways to calm the throng.  First, he brought a large pinata of Nancy Pelosi and invited members of the crowd to come up on stage to swing at it but, even that didn’t work.  Beck then asked his associates to toss WWJD  t-shirts into the crowd and even turned on a Karaoke machine and had his associates begin singing but, to no avail.

Finally, Beck was able to restore order when he promised everyone in attendance a coupon for a free fish sandwich at Long John Silvers.

In leaving the gathering,  Rick Answell of Lexington KY, commented, “I hope these coupons are honored, when I get back home.”



America’s last normal student, Jeffery Tard is entering his senior year at  Rock Ridge HS in Biloxi,  Mississippi this school year.  Tard is the last known US Student  not be classified as Special Education and will get the final “normal” diploma given out in the Spring of 2011.  Despite his parent’s best efforts to have him declared disabled, special needs or handicapped, Tard was unable to achieve the designation and as a result, was unable to qualify for any of the breaks given to the rest of his classmates.  According to his principal Tard will have to attend classes, pass tests and complete homework, in order to receive his diploma.  “Being that all the rest of our students have been Identified as having some disability and will be exempt from any of the foregoing requirements,  Tard will be the only kid we have to worry about failing,” Skinner added.  ” He will be under a lot of pressure to get his work done and pass.”  “We wouldn’t want to ruin our perfect record.”


Obama Greets Navy Seals

In a move to increase workplace diversity, President Obama has directed America’s most elite fighting force, the Navy Seals to accept quadriplegics as full members.  Obama has indicated that he wants this new quadriplegic unit “up and running” as soon as possible.  Assistant Director of Clandestine Naval Operations, Admiral Jonas Quimby was a bit skeptical but indicated he will carry out the President’s order and  the unit will be operational before the end of the year.  “This may be our greatest challenge ever,” said Quimby.  “We are confident we can do this because our philosophy is that Seals can do anything.”  “There is no question we must have full inclusion and diversity in every arena of American life” said the President.  “In fact, one of my goals is to have these elite forces equally represented by all segments of America.”  “I envision a five member unit to include; a token white male, a black male, a woman, a gay, and a cripple,’ added Obama.    The President went on to add that, “This is a very exciting time in America and I want our Armed Forces to be a part of it.”  When asked  how this might affect the morale of the Seals and how the new quadriplegic unit  would be trained in some of the Seals most common fighting tactics, such as, parachuting and underwater SCUBA operations, Obama shrugged and said, “My administration hasn’t completely thought this through yet but, we are going to do it anyway because it makes everyone feel really really good.”  This type of planning  has worked magnificently with our Economy, Jobs,  Bailouts and all of our other great successes,” he said.  “But,we need to put this entire plan in operation before we can see if it works.”   In short remarks after the conference the President indicated the next thing he plans to do is work on  developing a unit of blind air traffic controllers.


Flight attendant Steven Slater was voted the airlines most fabulous employee for July, sources report.  The results of the voting were just released this morning well after Slater’s blow-up involving passengers, an overhead luggage compartment, a microphone, beer and an emergency slide.  When hearing of the award Slater wept openly turned and skipped out of the room shouting, “OH MY GOD, HOW FABULOUS IS THAT!”


Mayor Diversity

Following  up his recent vocal support of a Muslim Mosque to be built near the ground Zero Site , Mayor Diversity  is also considering seeking the approval of city council to build a memorial in  honor  of  those Nazis who died in service to their country.  In a speech at New York’s largest German American Picnic, The Mayor outlined his plan to build a five-story memorial/museum in the downtown, near the city’s Polish Hill neighborhood, “to honor a people who did what they had to do in order to survive.”   His critics, including many in the Jewish community are calling this an election ploy so the mayor can build up support within the German American community.  “We strongly oppose the Mayor on this,” said Joseph Levine, head of New York’s Jewish Council on City Affairs.  “We just don’t think this is a good idea.”   Diversity announced that in addition to a first floor memorial which would explain the reasons behind Germany’s  need for expansion,  an interactive concentration camp would be built on the second floor.  Here visitors would be treated to virtual beatings, shooting and torture and be able to participate in a “this is a shower not an oven,”  3D reenactment .  his  plan is for two floors to display a collection of Third Reich literature, propaganda materials, inventions and an audio-visual display that would include a compilation of  The Fuhrer’s greatest speeches,running simultaneously on four giant screens.   the  idea for a rooftop display is to have an open air wax museum which would include likenesses of all Nazi greats including, Goebbels, Himmler, Speer, Mengele, Barbie, Ava Braun and of course the Fuhrer himself.

In a side note,  The Mayor’s  office has outlined his plan to construct a serial killer memorial on Staten Island, an Enola Gay memorial in the city’s Little Japan neighborhood, and to construct a Statue honoring Joseph Stalin in Chinatown.   When asked how all of this would be paid for the Mayor replied, “Well, we will just have to raise taxes on New Yorkers, that’s all.”


Conservative Tag-Team

Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh recently inked a contract that will pit them against liberal talking heads Keith Olberman and Chris Matthews, in a WWE Cage Match at Madison

Liberal Tag-Team

Square Garden in January of 2011.  Wrestling promoter, Vince McMahon was ecstatic as he made the announcement to the assembled news media on August 8th.  “We’ve been trying for years to get this deal done, and we were finally able to work it out,” he said.  McMahon expects this to be one of his biggest promotions ever.  “We certainly expect a sell out at the arena and a huge pay-per-view audience,” he quipped.   “We’re looking for a no-holds barred match to the death, with no disqualifications.”    McMahon added that he had hoped to have the match scheduled last year but, was held up by Olberman’s demand that  Limbaugh and Beck agree to “redistribute” their share of the prize money to “those less fortunate.”   Matthews was also plagued much of last year with what doctors described as, “tingling leg syndrome,” which kept him from training for about eight months.  “It looks like we’ve worked out all the bugs and should be about to get this match off the ground in January 2011.   Rush should be off his “medicine” by then and Beck looks to be in the best shape of his career, since his breakdown on national television in 2009″ said the promoter.  It has been agreed that the winners will take all and be permitted to donate their winnings to a favorite cause or charity.


Young and Restless

Penn State head football coach Joe Paterno 103, was signed to a five year extension by the university this morning.  Paterno,  who had just completed a three mile jog when he returned to his Happy Valley Office to make the announcement, took the news in stride.  “I feel great and ready to get out there and kick some butt,” he said.   Paterno now in his 69th year of coaching at Penn State is set to make $5 million dollars per season at the end of the contract.  He started his career as an assistant to Rip Engle at Penn State.  When asked who his favorite players were  he quickly stated,  “no question Herb and  Russ Stein.”  “I was a young coach  looking to make an impression but needed some quality players to help me along.”    “These two guys came along and the rest is history,”  he added. 
Paterno left the news conference after about 20 minutes to meet with former player, Wes Abercrombie for lunch.  Abercombie is the great-grandfather of current PSU starting QB Justin Abercrombie.   Paterno promised to meet reporters again tomorrow sometime between his scheduled tennis match and his skydiving lessons.