POPE ASKS BISHOP EDDIE LONG TO CONVERT

New Vicar at Boys Town?

Pope Benedict has reached out to Atlanta televangelist Eddie Long requesting he consider conversion to the Catholic Faith.  Sources are reporting a secret letter sent to Long from the Pope contained a list of reasons that becoming Catholic would be in Long’s best interests.  “You really seem like one of us,” the Pope is said to have written.   “We could use someone like you and your experience in handling the youth.”   “You would fit perfectly in our system and would certainly get a parish of your own very quickly,” he went on to say.   Long has not responded directly but sources close to him say that he has expressed an interest in continuing his ministry at Boys Town in Omaha Nebraska.

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PELOSI: ” COLBERT TESTIMONY WAS F&*^$@* GREAT”

Pelosi is Down With That

Nancy Pelosi stated that the recent testimony given in front of a Congressional Committee by Stephen Colbert was “pretty f**$%#^ great,” and was looking forward to appearances next week by Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor and Chris Rock.  “This one is up for best M-F^*^&%^* performance in front of a live Congressional audience,” she was overheard to quip.

Pelosi was not offended by the abrasive comics remarks and general disdain for the committee and its members.  At the conclusion of his performance Colbert had to be escorted out by a seven man security team.  In responding to remarks of Republican leaders regarding the lack of decorum and respect shown to Congress by Colbert, Pelosi said, “Let those Repubtard Pricks grow a pair and learn to live a little.”

THE AMAZING RACIST DEBUTS TODAY

The long time CBS reality show debuts its 17th season today.  In this year’s episodes the constants will make their way to a variety of locations including: Nazi Concentration Camps in Poland and Germany, Ku Klux Klan training and recruitment spots in the western US and various Internment Camps of the Japanese in the south and west.  As usual the goal will be to crown the best racists in America as voted on by the viewers.

REGGIE BUSH HIRES O.J TO HELP HIM GET HEISMAN BACK

Bush's Heisman in Happier Times

Apparently, New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush has had second thought about returning his Heisman Trophy and has looked in to hiring O.J. Simpson to help him retrieve it.   Reports indicate that Bush was able to find out  the trophy is being stored in a room at the New York Athletic Club so his agents immediately contacted Simpson in his Las Vegas lock up regarding what it would take for O.J. to reassemble his posse and retrieve the statue for Bush.   It is being reported by sources in the Vegas Prison that Simpson is willing to consider the job providing Bush will wait until Simpson is released in about nine years.   People close to Bush have stated off the record that it was unclear if he would be willing to wait that long.   Simpson, a former Heisman winner himself, had his trophy removed from display at his alma mater USC .   The uniqueness of the situation was not lost on long time USC fan Sonny D. Light who commented, “It’s kind of poetic justice that the only two guys to lose their Heisman Trophies  are from USC and would partner up on a daring project like this.”

TV NEWS TO EDIT OUT BLACK CRIME STORIES

Pittsburgh area TV stations will become the first  in the country to voluntarily edit out all references to black crime from their newscasts.  “We are going to remove all stories regarding crimes committed by and against blacks,” announced  General Manager Tom Uncle.  “This is going to include filming  stories showing black criminals being arrested, blacks speaking about crimes, and any interviews at any of the housing projects throughout the region.   “This move is going to allow us to shorten the newscast from 35 minutes down to 10 minutes and half of that will be sports and weather.”  Uncle added.  “We will be able to save a ton of money in production costs.”

“The Pittsburgh Chapter of the NAAPC (National Association for the Advancement of Political Correctness)  fully supports this move.  According to chapter director Ray Cyst, “We are tired of the first 20 minutes of each news cast showing the murders, shootings, robberies, rapes and general mayhem committed by the brothers.”   “It may be factual but, it’s certainly not a fact we want to see presented each and every night,”  he added.

JIMMY HOFFA FOUND AT ARLINGTON

I’m Over Here

In an unbelievable stroke of good fortune for his family, the body of Jimmy Hoffa was found buried in a recently exhumed grave at Arlington National Cemetery.   As part of an ongoing investigation into mistakes made at Arlington burials several families requested exhumation of grave sites which supposedly held their loved ones.   It was during this event that a casket marked with the name of Sergeant Louis Mays was opened and much to the surprise of those present, Hoffa’s body was stuffed inside.   The still well-preserved remains were found with a single bullet hole in the head and a tan sock stuffed into the mouth.  “It was shocking to peer into that box and see the face of Hoffa,” said Colonel Max Lewis of the Arlington Cemetery Records and Burial Division.  “There was no doubt it was him.”   Hoffa was last seen alive outside a Detroit restaurant in July of 1975.  “We are elated that 35 year mystery has finally been resolved,” announced John Chapman,  Detroit field agent for the FBI.  “We’re finding this whole thing to be very suspicious and plan to scour the casket and remains for evidence.”  We are looking to bring those that did this to justice,” he added.

KORAN BURNING SPARKS MASSIVE FOREST FIRE

Koran Fires Out of Control

Rev. Terry Jones’ Koran burning has taken an unexpected and tragic turn as the initial fire started by Jones was  spread by unexpected wind gusts, into the wooded area surrounding his church.   This combined with an extremely dry spell in Florida caused the fire to get out of control before firemen arrived.  “Jesus, I’m really sorry about this,” Jones remarked.  “It wasn’t supposed to get out of the burn barrel but, the wind picked up and before we could react the woods were on fire.”  It appears the fire is spreading into the Gainesville area and is now threatening the downtown area.  Evacuations have been ordered by the mayor’s office as the flames rapidly approached the heart of the business district.  “He’s getting what he deserved,” said Achmed Lanmanoush,”  a Gainesville resident and Muslim spokesman.  “Allah the magnificent has stabbed the eye of the Infidel and has shown his greatness.”   “This Christian pig will pay dearly for his actions.”    Jones who attempted to fight the blaze initially with the church’s garden hose, looked around in stunned silence as the flames began to engulf his church.  Gainesville Mayor Art. E. Shaw said, “we warned him and we begged him not to do this but, he just wouldn’t listen.”  “Now we are all going to suffer.”  Jones is expected to be arrested and charged with causing a catostrophe and various other community violations.