FACEOFF IN ARIZONA—TAYLOR VS ARPAIO

Mayberry Boss

Liberal left wing Sheriff, Andy Taylor has announced he is moving from Mayberry, North Carolina to Arizona in order to run against Conservative Right Wing  Sheriff Joe Arapaio in the upcoming election. 

Arizon Boss

Taylor has been the Sheriff of Mayberry for over 50 years and has fought crime using a blend of charm, common sense and humor.  Taylor, who has shunned using a gun for the past five decades relies on his quick thinking, common sense approach to crime fighting and has made  Mayberry the safest town in the country.

Arpaio on the other hand, is a tough, no nonsense lawman, willing to use whatever muscle necessary to keep his town clean.  Arpaio, has angered many liberals because of his crackdown on illegal aliens throughout his district.  In a recent public appearance Arpaio said he is looking forward to the challenge Sheriff Taylor will bring to the election.  He indicated that regardless of their different styles in  crime fighting ,  Taylor has always been one of his idols.  He says recalls meeting Taylor and his son Opie nearly 50 years ago when his father passed through Mayberry and stopped for a haircut at Floyd’s Barber Shop.  “I’ll never forget walking in to that shop as a ten year old and sitting down to wait for my father when this bug-eyed, flustered deputy came barging through the door yelling at the barber about how his bullet was missing or something.”   “Right behind him was a cool and calm young sheriff telling him to, “calm down now Barn,”  while putting his arm around that deputy until he was settled.”  “Little did I know I was meeting one of the greatest sheriffs in America at the time.”

BRETT FAVRE ACCIDENTLY SENDS GALL BLADDER PHOTO TO ROGER GODELL

In an apparent text message mix-up, Minnesota Vikings Quarterback Brett Favre sent photos of his recently removed gall bladder to Commissioner Roger Godell at NFL Headquarters.   League spokesman Lee Mathers verified that photos were sent from Favre’s Cell Phone.  “We did receive several photos of what we believe to be Brett’s Gall Bladder,”  Mather admitted.  “It really appeared to be a lot smaller than we would have thought and looked quite limp and unhealthy,” he continued.   “I’m not sure what Brett was intending but, it was quite a surprise and disappointment, at the same time.”  We really thought a tough hard guy like Brett would have a much bigger Gall Bladder.”

When questioned by reporters, Favre’s only comment was to say, “Hey I just got out of a cold operating room when that was taken by my doctor.”  “It’s shrinkage from the cold plain and simple.”   “Other than that I don’t have anything else to say.”

CHILEAN MINER ASKS TO RETURN TO MINE TO RETRIEVE LUNCH PAIL

A recently rescued Chilean miner Alfredo Luis Petrana has requested that he be returned back to the mine because he forgot his favorite lunch pail in the shaft where he and 32 other miners spent the past 69 days. .   An excited and happy Petrana,  was celebrating with his family until he realized he had forgotten the lunch pail.  He immediately became distraught and tearfully sought out rescuers and asked to be put back in the tube which had just brought the final miner to the surface.   “I have to get back down there and get that lunch pail,” he screamed.  “That lunchbox was given to me by my grandfather from when he worked in the mines.”   “I don’t think I can live with myself if I don’t retrieve it,” he wailed.

Petrana was restrained by several rescuers as he tried to climb back into the rescue capsule.  He was quickly ushered into a waiting ambulance and driven away shouting obscenities and beating his chest.

CASEY STENGEL TO MANAGE 2011 PIRATES

NEW PIRATE MANAGER

After due consideration the Pittsburgh Pirates have decided to replace recently fired Manager John Russell with the corpse of Casey Stengel.   Stengel the lovable “Old Perfessor” as he was known, was chosen as ,the only stiff capable of turning around the Pirates record-breaking, 18 season losing streak.   Pirate President Frank Coonelly made the announcement yesterday at PNC Park with Stengel’s grandchildren in attendance.  “We looked at several candidates including Connie Mack, Billy Martin and Leo Dorocher, among others, and we just felt that Casey was the one that could get this team turned around.”  “Yeah we know Casey may not talk much anymore, he may not run around the dugout like he used to or be able to hold a press conference but, just having his presence and aura in the dugout and in the clubhouse, will make us a much better team.”  Coonelly went on to say that the team also hired two handlers to move Stengel around and position him in strategic locations as necessary during games.    “We want to be sure everyone gets a look at Casey each and every game,” he added.  “Casey played in the World Series and managed the Yankees to 10 championships in 12 years.”  “We are counting on him to use this to motivate our younger players,” said GM Neal Huntington,  “I can’t wait till he gets here, he was a legend.”   Huntington added that,  “We want everyone to know that we aren’t bringing Casey in because no live manager would take this job.”  “Our ownership team truly believes in what Casey will bring to the table in terms of leadership, knowledge of baseball’s X’s and O’s,  the respect of other teams and the boost it will give us in ticket sales.”  When approached for comment team owner Bob Nutting could only say,”Amazing, amazing amazing amazing.”

UNARMED MAN ROBS PITTSBURGH BANK

Bank Photo of Suspect

An unarmed man robbed a bank in Pittsburgh in broad daylight on Friday and was able to escape by outrunning police.  The man entered the bank shortly after it opened and walked up to the teller window with a note clenched in his teeth.  He spit the note out at the teller and ordered her to read it and fill a bag he had attached to his belt with cash.  After the teller obliged the man took off out the revolving front door as another customer was coming in.  The man, who escaped on foot appeared to be having difficulty running with the bag of cash swinging on his waist as he ran.   Eighty-two year old Helen Waite was standing inside the bank at another tellers window.  “I’ve never seen anything like it in my life, she said.  “He just came up to the next window and you could tell he was nervous, he spit the note at the teller and ran away after she filled his bag.”   Bank officials estimate the robber got away with at least $11,000.