After due consideration the Pittsburgh Pirates have decided to replace recently fired Manager John Russell with the corpse of Casey Stengel.   Stengel the lovable “Old Perfessor” as he was known, was chosen as ,the only stiff capable of turning around the Pirates record-breaking, 18 season losing streak.   Pirate President Frank Coonelly made the announcement yesterday at PNC Park with Stengel’s grandchildren in attendance.  “We looked at several candidates including Connie Mack, Billy Martin and Leo Dorocher, among others, and we just felt that Casey was the one that could get this team turned around.”  “Yeah we know Casey may not talk much anymore, he may not run around the dugout like he used to or be able to hold a press conference but, just having his presence and aura in the dugout and in the clubhouse, will make us a much better team.”  Coonelly went on to say that the team also hired two handlers to move Stengel around and position him in strategic locations as necessary during games.    “We want to be sure everyone gets a look at Casey each and every game,” he added.  “Casey played in the World Series and managed the Yankees to 10 championships in 12 years.”  “We are counting on him to use this to motivate our younger players,” said GM Neal Huntington,  “I can’t wait till he gets here, he was a legend.”   Huntington added that,  “We want everyone to know that we aren’t bringing Casey in because no live manager would take this job.”  “Our ownership team truly believes in what Casey will bring to the table in terms of leadership, knowledge of baseball’s X’s and O’s,  the respect of other teams and the boost it will give us in ticket sales.”  When approached for comment team owner Bob Nutting could only say,”Amazing, amazing amazing amazing.”


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