Secrets Out of the Box

In a brazen attempt to disrupt this years Betty Crocker Cook and Bake-off,  the English based website Wiki Leaks had released thousands of top-secret recipes on its website.  The release threatens not only to ruin the world’s largest bake-off,  which brings in competitors from all over the world but, to upset restaurant chefs and grandmothers alike by releasing long confidential family recipes passed on for generations.  “This has the potential to bring down some of the worlds most famous chefs, as well as, hundreds of restaurants from those in small towns to some of the worlds most high class eateries,”  said Jeffery Boyd, spokesman for the Crocker Cook and Bake-Off Committee.   “We are looking at extensive and irreparable damage across the board,” he added.   Angry cooks and bakers from around the world are calling for a major response from their governments against the site owner Julian Assange and others within the organization.   “We are a day late and a dollar short in dealing with this,” announced Robin Trower, marketing director for Le Douche Gourmet in Paris.  “I’m not sure we will ever recover, this is really really damaging.”  Some of the more well known recipes released include: KFC’s eleven herbs and spices chicken, Mrs Paul’s Country Fried Fritters, Orville Redenbacher’s Secret Popcorn Flavors, Aunt Jemima’s Original Pancake Mix Recipe and Julia Child’s recipe for honey ham glaze.



After careful consideration, President Obama has decided to close the last successful federal agency, NASA.   “There is no need to have an agency of government that works as well as NASA,”  said the President.   “Hey we are going to save a ton of money which I can redistribute to needy Americans,” he added.   “It’s embarrassing to have an agency that functions as well as these guys when the rest of them are in the crapper.”  NASA Chairman Walter Watts was disappointed by the President’s decision.  “We’ve been making America proud for over 50 years,” he said.  “Of course we are saddened by the decision but we will abide by whatever instructions we are given,” he added.

It is expected that NASA will begin to sell off all its assets in the next six to twelve months.  Countries like China and India are expected to be the largest bidders for the space agencies wares and to take over the lead in space travel.


Scanning Grandpa's Shoes

In a sweeping endorsement of the methods used by the TSA at America’s Airports, the President and his administration have authorized the TSA’s use of deadly force in dealing with unruly passengers.   Eric Holder, President Obama’s Attorney General announced the measures today at a news conference in Washington D.C.  “We will not allow nor tolerate any misbehavior at our airports at this time or in the future.” he said.  “If necessary, the TSA has been authorized to put down any passengers refusing to submit to full body scans or invasive manual body pat downs.”   Holder went on to say, “In order to maintain the nation’s safety,  it is imperative that our airport security has the absolute power necessary to use whatever means are appropriate, to quell any dissent at said airports.”  ” We will not permit American’s using excuses such as a severe handicap, age,  or  hiding behind The Constitution to avoid following protocol.”    Holder added, “however, to show some compassion our airport security agents have been advised to issue warnings to people before we off them, two for Democrats and one for Republicans.”


Watts Man in Airport Confontation

A local man from Watts was involved in a dispute at the LAX Airport yesterday as he sought to drive his loaded 1951 Ford F-1 truck onto the tarmac at the airport.  Apparently, Fred G. Sanford, a local recycling dealer was at the airport to pick up some old airplane parts when he inadvertently drove through a security checkpoint toward the main runway.  Sanford was forced off the road by airport security vehicles and began cursing and shouting, “You can pat me down bro but, if you touch my junk, I’m going to have you arrested'” Sanford’s protestations escalated to a point where the airport security called for back up and within one minute, several heavily armed personnel arrived and removed the still shouting junk man  and his terrified son, to the airport lock up.

Sources say that Sanford and his son Lamont are well known by police within the Watts community. Records indicate there have been dozens of police visits to his home, many to break up disagreements with Sanford and his sister-in-law Esther, as well as, with his friend Grady.  Sanford’s son Lamont was known to be a friend to a local con-man named Rollo but , has no prior criminal record of his own.   After several hours in custody Sanford and  his son were both released on their own recognizance.


Full body scanners are rapidly becoming the number one requested item on many people’s Christmas lists this year.  The popularity of the scanners has exploded since they have begun to be used more at America’s airports.  The scanners which give a full view of someone underneath their clothes can be purchased for about $2500.00 at Costco.  “It appears that we have a Cabbage Patch Kids phenomenon happening this year,” said Costco Vice President Jonas Kilbury.  “We are going full tilt to get these things in production for the upcoming holiday,” he added.   “There are a variety of uses for this item from home security to games to in home sports and hobbies.”  “It’s a godsend,” claimed Costco customer Richard Smith.  “I’m taking this one home to the wife.”  “She has some plans on using it in the bedroom to spice things up a bit,” he chuckled.


Back To The Future

Because of its multi-billion dollar losses, the U.S. Postal Service has decided to return to using horses to deliver mail in rural areas.  The cost savings will be in the thousands of dollars, according to Postmaster General John Potter.  ” We feel that this would be a way to reconnect to our basic roots and still provide service to rural Americans,” Potter added.   “It may be just a little slower, but the up side to this is huge.”    “It’s going to take a bit of investment to get this program off the ground but we have the support of the President and Congress, he added.”   “This change and the new one thousand dollar stamps we plan to unveil next year will put us in the black within three years, ” announced Jeff Mator, Assistant Post Master General.  The new strategies are set to go into effect on January 1, 2011.


New Dehli Kingpin

Recent TV news reports are indicating President Obama’s trip to India, thought to be a pitch for better trade and open markets, is instead because Mr. Obama was having some trouble with his personal computer and wanted to get it fixed quickly.  Obama was heard saying, ” every time I start this damn thing up I’m getting a blue screen and it won’t let me log on to my blog site.”    The Obama’s spent their first day in India with “Roger”,  a tech in Verizon‘s Mumbai Office of Internet Quality,  going over the problems he was having, while trying to help his daughters with their homework.   It was reported that Obama became very angry with the tech support call he made to the Mumbai Office last week and decided to head over there and get the problem resolved face to face.  According to reporters who witnessed the meeting, a very heated conversation was underway between the President and Roger in the lunchroom at the tech’s workplace.  “I want the fu*king thing fixed right now,” Obama was overheard shouting.   At last report the tech had completed walking Obama through a variety of steps including; switching some connections and rebooting the machine several times.  Indian Officials were deeply embarrassed by the poor quality of the service and apologized profusely to Obama several times.  Obama, visibly upset, responded by ordering the Seventh Fleet to the Indian coast and upping the USA‘s readiness level to Defcon Two.

It is estimated the US Taxpayers will be billed $ 1.45 billion dollars for the visit, which includes a 25% discount for bringing the machine in personally.