Calling Dr. Kildare
One of LA’s most famous medical figures will be starring in a musical on Broadway. Dr. James Kildare will be playing the lead in the Broadway musical, My Fair Lady. The role will be Kildare’s first lead in any production. The doctor, who never even acted in his high school plays was picked by the show’s producer, after he performed a surgical procedure on him at Blair General Hospital. “When I saw James in the ER, I knew right away he was perfect for the role of Dr. Henry Higgins,” said producer Bruce Bannister. “His face has ‘My Fair Lady’ written all over it.”
Kildare is expected to take time off from his lucrative practice to travel to New York to try his hand at acting. “Thinking about it now I realize I have just been a closet actor for a long time and I’m really happy to finally be getting the chance to come out.”
Artist's Rendering of Rudolph's Nose
In a devastating development at The North Pole, it appears that reports of the death of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer are true. This afternoon Santa Claus issued a brief statement detailing the sad news.
“We here at Santa’s Headquarters are extremely saddened to report that it was necessary to put down Rudolph, our beloved red-nosed reindeer this morning.” What many of you don’t know is that Rudolph was battling cancer over these many years and that his red nose was really not a light, as we depicted.” “Unfortunately, his nose was red because of an aggressive form of carcinoma, which lodged in his nasal passages and manifested itself in the form of the bulbous red nose that you all saw.” Santa continued, “It was Rudolph’s decision to keep this condition quiet, so as not to upset his millions of faithful fans and the children who loved him so.” “Sadly, in the last few months this condition worsened to the point that Rudolph had great difficulty breathing and over the past few weeks, had become entirely bedridden.” “It was after careful consideration of his wishes and on the advice of North Pole doctors, Mrs. Claus and I made the decision to withdraw life support and immediately afterward, have Rudolph put down.”
It was not known which reindeer would be elevated to the position of sleigh leader that Rudolph held for so many years. What is known is that Santa will be in need of a at least one replacement reindeer. Top candidates include, Speedball, Mushroom, Slayer and Bob.
Mario Accompanied by His Standard Bearer
The Pittsburgh Penguins (owned by Mario Lemieux) have announced plans to build a statue of Lemieux in the new Lemieux Building (sometimes called The Consol Energy Center). The Lemieux Building is located on Lemieux Place, just across the Lemieux Bridge, in the Lemieux section of the city. The Pens announced that the statue placement will require the moving of 22 of the 66 paintings and drawings of Lemieux inside the Lemieux Section of the Lemieux building.
Building manager Jean Claude Lemieux indicated that the statue will be a welcome addition to the building and will further remind visitors of the importance of Mario Lemieux to all of us. When asked for comment Lemieux said, “I hope they get that thing up quickly and have my name spelled correctly.” The other 22 pieces will be placed in various areas where they may be a shortage of Lemieux’s likenesses. “We plan on having the unveiling during the Winter Classic Weekend,” Claude Lemieux announced. All fans attending will get a copy of Mario’s Biography, a signed Lemieux Photo and a gift certificate to the Lemieux Restaurant.
We Can Tip-Toe Behind The Enemy
With the Senate vote to repeal the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Policy for the U.S. Military the army already has plans in motion to create the world’s first ever, Prancer Division. The army expects to base this new unit on the old German Panzer Divisions of WW II. Army documents show that the new division will be made up entirely of gay soldiers. The basic idea of the unit is to introduce soldiers into a battle by having them ballroom dance their way into the firefight. It is thought that the distraction of watching fully outfitted military units dipping and twisting their way across the front lines would allow other more manly soldiers to get the drop on the enemy in certain battle situations. “This new openness in the military can really be a useful tool in combat,” said General Les Beann “We expect to be able to create quite a diversion in certain battle situations,” he added.
The army expects to have the new troops sashaying across the Afghanistan front within a year.
Greeting From Walmart
Long time CNN Host Larry King has retired from his interview desk after 25 years and thousands of interviews. It has been reported that King has opted to accept a job with Walmart as a greeter at one of its New York stores. King, best known for his softball questioning style has long indicated a desire to “get out there and meet the average people,” after a long career of interviewing celebrities and other top news makers. King’s longtime producer Chet Askins said, “Larry has been looking for an opportunity like this for a long time and when that call came in from Walmart that he had been hired, well, you can imagine the excitement.” “We know that Larry’s folksy style and unique communication skills will serve him well in this front of the store position.” “He’ll be right out there talking and interacting with the public and getting the average man’s take on life, jobs, education, you name it, and even directing them to the photo department, health and beauty or the candles” Though wages haven’t been discussed yet, it’s expected that King’s starting wage will be about $14.75 per hour, dwarfing that of almost every other greeter in the country.
Walmart spokesman Lynn Bentley described the King hiring as, “a coup for the company.” “It’s like a dream come true for us to get a person of Larry’s stature on our greeter rolls.” “This may open the door to other has been celebrities taking a look at what Walmart has to offer. “In fact we’ve already fielded a couple of calls from former Hollywood stars whose careers have tanked recently.” It’s definitely a win-win situation for all concerned,” Bentley added. In speaking with Larry yesterday I know he was especially excited about earning all those neat pins we give out, to wear them on his suspenders.
Shh..Keep it on the Downlow
The controversial web site Wikileaks has made all of the Victoria’s Secrets available online. In a brazen posting, sure to send shock waves throughout the lingerie industry, Wikileaks founder Julian Assange bared all of the Secrets which have gone in to making Victoria’s Secret the world’s most powerful lingerie company. Much of the information is sure to damage the company’s status in the U.S. and around the world. Victoria’s Secret CEO Buster Cupp immediately began damage control by offering an uplifting message to his employees. “We’ve got to get a firm grip on these things,” he said. “We must cover everything up and contain all overflow of information.” Cupps added, “We must not allow ourselves to sag behind our competition because of these revelations.”
Some of the most sensitive materials released included photos, sketches and internal memos indicating top secret plans on store window displays, new strapless bras, ass-less chaps and the design of the company’s most sensitive new product, the man-bra.
The One Who Knows Not
Aides to President Obama still haven’t told the President about the most recent leaks of classified information by the Wikileaks website. “The President has been really busy lately traveling to Afghanistan and other places and we thought it best not to upset him with the news.” said Presidential Spokesman Robert Gibbs. “Since he got whacked in that hoops game and had a pretty loud tiff with the misses, well with that and all the travel, we figured it’s best if he doesn’t find out about this yet, ” Gibbs added. “Last time we told him some bad news he really got pissed off and started smoking in the Oval Office again.” “He really can be batshit crazy when he’s mad,” said the spokesman. “We’ll probably break it to him next week after he gets back from vacation.” “Besides it’s better if Biden and Hillary handle the brunt of this anyway because they don’t have to face re-election in a couple of years, so the whole damage control issue plays in here.”