Today my name is ............
Cincinnati Bengal wide receiver Chad Ochocinco is changing his name back to Chad Johnson after learning that Ochocinco may indeed translate to “eight-five” in some Spanish dialects however, in numerous others, it can be interpreted to mean “meathead.” Johnson-Ochocinco-Johnson was quoted as saying, “I really had no idea that the name could be translated into more than one thing.” “I just realized recently that the dictionary I used three years ago to translate the name did not contain the “slang” terminology.
As a result of his flip-flop on the name, if he remains in Cincinnati next season, he will have to buy up all the jerseys with “Ochocinco” on the back. Johnson said he considered using the Indian name, “Chad Running His Mouth,” before eventually deciding to go back to his original moniker.
Johnson’s father Fred Sanford Johnson is happy his son is coming back to his roots. “I would have been just as happy if he had taken the name of one of his mother’s other kids, Chad Jackson, Chad White, Chad Sharpton, Chad Albert of even Chad Lewis. Fred Johnson’s estranged wife Lula Johnson could not be reached for comment.
It was here all the time
The Obama Administration has released new information on the President’s Birth Certificate. Apparently, the controversial document was found by Mrs. Obama as she was unpacking the last of the remaining boxes moved to the White House from her previous home in Illinois. Evidently, the birth certificate was found being used as a bookmark in a college text that she and Mr. Obama shared. “We had it all the time and didn’t realize it,” she told a reporter from the Washington Post. “I could have sworn Barry went through that college stuff before we packed it,” she indicated. “Well this ought to put to rest all the fuss,” press secretary Robert Gibbs said, after hearing the news. The White House would not produce the book but, instead released a photo.
An attempt to assassinate Martin Luther King Jr. In Spokane, Washington on Monday was averted by the keen eyes of parade workers. The workers noticed a suspicious package along the parade route. “This was a tremendous bit of good fortune,” said parade organizer, J. E. Ray. “It could have been catastrophic had the parade started and anything would have happened to Dr. King here in Spokane,” he added. The parade was rerouted while police investigate.
Recently Closed School
In a strange twist, the Detroit City Public School System has closed nearly 50% of its public schools. As a result of this bold and dramatic move education scores in the city have increased by 22%. “This came as quite a shock,” said District Superintendent Jackson Lewis. “It certainly was an unintended consequence but, in this instance, a welcome one,” he added.
Prior to the school closures Detroit had the lowest graduation rates in the nation, as well as, the poorest achievement scores in the United States. Lewis stated that the school board now is having thoughts of closing additional schools and firing over half its teachers. “I think we really have stumbled on to something.” “We have been fielding calls from inner city schools from across the nation.” They are looking at us as a model.”
The Catholic Church in its rush to Canonize the late Pope John Paul II, has released information regarding the miracles he was able to pull off during his life. As many people are aware, in order to be declared a saint, the nominated candidate must have demonstrated his worthiness by completing a series of four steps. These steps are then evaluated by the church hierarchy to determine if the candidate qualifies.
One of the steps involves a trick which the candidate must have performed during his life that was witnessed by many people. In the case of John Paul it was determined that his “making a dove appear out of his mitre” qualified him as completing this important step.
The Vatican has been responding to criticism recently that it has been rushing to anoint a fan favorite like John Paul into Sainthood at the expense of lowering its standards on what is truly considered a miracle. Officials from the Vatican dismiss the criticism. “We have in no way lowered our standards as to this important step of the sainthood process,” announced Cardinal Josepf Flantzeig, head of the Committee of Consideration in the Vatican. “The fact that John Paul was able to manifest this bird of peace from under his hat is by no means a small task,” he added.
“The Committee is said to be considering several other “special things,” John Paul is said to have done during his long and glorious life,” said the Cardinal.
“We have it on good authority that while on vacation in the Alps The Holy Father was able work his way out of straight jacket and handcuffs while suspended upside down on a ski lift . There is additional evidence that he was also able to saw Cardinal Rothstein in half with a chainsaw.” “If this all proves to be true it will be pretty tough to keep him out.” added Flantzeig.
In what has turned out to be an unbelievable coincidence, conservative investigators claiming that President Obama was actually born in Kenya and democratic investigators trying to prove he was born in Hawaii, have both stumbled upon the answer to this three year mystery, almost simultaneously.
As it turns out solid evidence has surfaced that shows both sides were correct. In fact, it turns out Obama was born in Kenya but not the country of Kenya, rather it was Kenya, Hawaii. Kenya, Hawaii is a suburb of Honolulu with a population of 268 mostly poor indigent farmers. Recent evidence proves that Obama’s mother was living in this hamlet in August of 1975 and had her child in a free clinic in the town during that time.
Both sides are claiming victory in settling this debate once and for all. The democrats say that since he was indeed born in Hawaii, they were correct all along. However, in conceding that point the republicans now claim that since he was born in 1975 he would have only been 33 at the time of his election and is therefore ineligible to hold the office. Stay tuned.
Tired and Hungary but, Still a Tough Guy
Though it has been nearly two weeks since his last show aired on CNN, Larry King has been unable to find the exit door to the parking lot. King reportedly left his dressing room shortly after the final show but, is still roaming around the hallways of CNN trying to find his way out. King reportedly placed a cell phone call to his wife informing her that he “was having a bit of trouble getting out.” In the phone conversation King was able to ask his wife what color the family car was and being the trooper he is, also told her he didn’t need any directions and would be home soon. Now after two weeks, his wife, is considering driving down to the studio to pick him up. Speaking to a reporter Mrs. King expressed her frustration. “Larry is such a sweetheart but this is really over the top, even for him.” “I wanted to come down there last week but he wouldn’t allow me.” “He wants to show CNN and the world that he is still in top form and could have continued doing the show for several more years.” According to his wife King indicated he was, “pretty damn hungry and needed a change or two of underwear.” “I’m giving him 24 more hours then I’m going down to the studio and pull him out,” his wife stated.