It worked for Baseball

Saying that he needed to bring in a “cooler head” to help mediate the NFL vs Players Union talks on a new CBA, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has turned to TV Sitcom star Charlie Sheen, requesting that  the actor  step in and help settle the labor dispute, likely to disrupt the NFL’s upcoming season.    “We need to bring in somebody who can calm things down, somebody with a level head, who can come in and generate some rational discussion between the two sides,” said Goodell.  “I don’t think there is anyone in America that can bring opposing sides to the table better than Charlie Sheen.”

Goodell added, “Not only is he a calm voice in a sea of noise, he’s willing to help us out at a reasonable price.”  “All we have to do is provide him some healthy blow and a couple of hookers with big boobs.”  “We’re expecting to get this whole thing settled in a couple of days, once Charlie’s on board.”

When reached for comment Sheen said, “I really like football and want to do my part to help settle this problem.”   “Remember it’s all about WINNING!”  “Plus, I know there aren’t any Nazis or Turds in the NFL,” he added.

It’s expected with his hit show shut down for the remainder of the season, Sheen will arrive at the negotiating table in a day or two.




The Almighty Dollar

Labor Union leaders in Wisconsin and Ohio have proposed a plan to destroy America before the end of 2011.   Union President Ben Luddin announced the combined effort as, “a way to bring this country to it’s knees for our own benefit.”  Luddin stated that, “sometimes you have to destroy something in order to make it better.”  “We can’t continue to allow opposition to the our union tactics and objectives ,” he added.  “We need to continue choking the life out of this country for it’s own good.”  “We see it as a fair trade off to wreck the nation so that our members can continue to benefit,” he added.

“There is nobody more deserving of high wages, job protection, high-end insurance and limitless benefits, than our brothers in the unions.”    Labor union VP Joe La Grotto supported Luddin’s comments and added,  “We’re going to do whatever is necessary to get our way and if a few heads get busted, then, “Oh well'”   “It’s better to bankrupt American than to have one union member pay ten buck more a month in healthcare.”  “Besides we can always keep borrowing money, Right?”


Hockey's Newest Enforcer

The National Hockey League has agreed to a rule change that will allow players to carry guns on the ice.   NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman said, “We need to be able to resolve some issues in our games while keeping up the interest of our fan base.”  “I think this will allow the guys to settle some of the disagreements we’ve seen lately while maintaining  the integrity of the Hockey Code.”  Bettman said he has alerted the minor league teams to be ready to send players up more quickly than usual.  “It may create some manpower issues for some of our teams but, the reward will be in the interest we think it will generate with our season ticket holders.”  The rule won’t take effect until March 10th to allow teams to install bullet-proof glass at all their venues to protect the fans.   Bettman added, “we may have to allow a few more minutes in between periods to allow the Zamboni’s to clean up the blood but, other than that the fans won’t notice any other disruptions.”


Just a Few More Months Please

Resisting popular pressure, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is refusing to give up power until his Pyramid is completed sometime in September.  Mubarak, in a televised address to the people of Egypt, indicated he would remain in office until the final blocks were in place on his pyramid in Giza. Mubarak commissioned the structure shortly after taking power in 1981.  The pyramid is expected to be the largest man-made structure in Egypt when it is completed.  The front of the massive structure is fronted by a giant lion at rest with the face of Mubarek and the body of the lion as it lays prone in front.

Workers have been toiling on Egypt’s latest pyramid and temple to honor the 30 year leader for the past 25 years.  In his address Mubarek said, “I do not want to leave with any tasks not finished.”  “It is not fair to the people of Egypt to walk away from a project that has taken so much time and expense.”



Only Needs 99 Wins to Reach 100

Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Ross Ohlendorf doubled his 2010 win total by defeating his team in arbitration this past week.  Ohlendorf’s 2010 record was, 1-11.   Under Major League Baseball’s Arbitration system this fine performance allowed Mr. Olendorf to quadruple his salary from $439,000 to just over 2 million per season.  After receiving the news of his victory Ohlendorf said, ” I’m looking to get at least five or six wins before the next arbitration.”    “Hopefully, that kind of success will get me six or seven million per season.”

There was no official comment from the Pirates but new manager Clint Hurdle, speaking off the record said, “If I had 99 more guy like Ross Ohlendorfs we could finally win a hundred games this year.”



The Winner Is

Former actress Lindsey Lohan broke a long standing Hollywood record by making her 39th court appearance before the age of 25.   Lohan set the record by appearing in court on February 9th in order to plead to a charge of Felony Robbery.

“I’ve had my eye on this record for quite some time and I plan on adding to it as soon as possible.” she remarked.  “I want my fans to know I’m good for a few more of these before July 2nd,” she added.  “I’m not going to stop  there either,” she said.  ” I don’t know what the record is for appearances before 30 but, I’m going after it full steam.”

One of Lohan’s handlers was overheard commenting, “If I were her I’d really focus on this under 25 record, I doubt she’ll make 30, that’s for sure.”


So You Think That's Funny

A recent editorial on Minneapolis TV Station WJM-TV trashed President Obama’s record on Wildlife Conservation.  Station Manager Lou Grant blasted the President’s record and referred to him as “another corporatist.”

Later in the broadcast newsman Ted Baxter also took a shot at the President when he made an off the cuff remark about his not needing a teleprompter to get the story straight, “unlike a certain Kenyan-American.

Station producer Mary Richards later apologized for Baxter’s comment saying that he had recently broken up with his girlfriend and was in a bad mood all day.