Saying that he needed to bring in a “cooler head” to help mediate the NFL vs Players Union talks on a new CBA, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has turned to TV Sitcom star Charlie Sheen, requesting that the actor step in and help settle the labor dispute, likely to disrupt the NFL’s upcoming season. “We need to bring in somebody who can calm things down, somebody with a level head, who can come in and generate some rational discussion between the two sides,” said Goodell. “I don’t think there is anyone in America that can bring opposing sides to the table better than Charlie Sheen.”
Goodell added, “Not only is he a calm voice in a sea of noise, he’s willing to help us out at a reasonable price.” “All we have to do is provide him some healthy blow and a couple of hookers with big boobs.” “We’re expecting to get this whole thing settled in a couple of days, once Charlie’s on board.”
When reached for comment Sheen said, “I really like football and want to do my part to help settle this problem.” “Remember it’s all about WINNING!” “Plus, I know there aren’t any Nazis or Turds in the NFL,” he added.
It’s expected with his hit show shut down for the remainder of the season, Sheen will arrive at the negotiating table in a day or two.