D.C. ON ALERT AS JAPANESE CHERRY BLOSSOMS FOUND TO BE RADIOACTIVE

Danger in D.C. ?

Emergency services in Washington D.C. sprung into action today when it was discovered that the Japanese Cherry Blossoms blooming throughout the city were giving off 1000 times the normal amount of radiation deemed safe for humans.  It was not immediately known if this development was in any way related to the nuclear plant difficulties occurring in Northern Japan.  “We aren’t sure why this is happening,” said David Tolliver, Director of D.C’s Emergency Management Agency.

“Its quite strange being that these plants never left Washington,” added Tolliver.  “it’s like they are possessed or something,” he added.   As for now, tourists are being directed away from the areas of the plants.  “We expect to know more tomorrow,” said Tolliver.  “If we have to, we will pull them all.”

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JAPAN’S CRISIS WORSENS:GODZILLA UNABLE TO CONTAIN RADIATION BUT HELP IS ON THE WAY

Is Help On the Way?

In a dramatic move the Japanese leadership has admitted that famed superhero monster Godzilla has been unable to contain the nuclear radiation and leak at the Fukushima Power Plant in Northern Japan.  As a result of this dramatic development, Japan has reached out to more of its former movie monsters to come in and help Godzilla.   Mothra and Gamera have been awakened from their decades old sleep and are being brought to the site of the nuclear disaster.  It is hoped with the addition of these two greats from Japans past, that they along with Godzilla will be able to bring the radioactive plant under control.

“This may be our last best hope,” wailed Tusimo Natakasa, head of the power plants board of directors.  “If this doesn’t work, we have ordered in dozens of Samurai swords on which to thrust ourselves,” he said.  “We are confident between the three of these super heroes, we can get this mess cleaned up.”

MAJOR LIBYAN ANNOUNCEMENT DUE SOON

My Name is Mo

Libyans across the nation are waiting excitedly to finally have the correct spelling.  “This will truly come in handy as we make our, “Death to”  signs,” said Alymar el Shakian, a local protest sign maker and owner of Shakian’s Signs of Death and Hate, located just outside of Tripoli.  “Finally, I can get this exactly right,” he added.  “We want our signs of death and hate to be as accurate as possible and this will go a long way in correcting errors and bring agreement among our protestors.”

At the present time it is unclear whether this announcement will help the Colonel in his bid to maintain power over the rebels in his country.  Akhaem Gandoli, Director of Libyan Media made the following statement.  “This announcement will finally help the cause of all media outlets, both in Libya and outside.”  “To finally get this name standardized across the board is huge.”  “No more awkward misspellings and embarrassing gaffes in the newspapers, magazines or anywhere,” he added.

“This will make it quite easy for the tombstone maker as well.”  “It should only require one take from now on,” said Gandoli

QADAFFI LAMENTS LOSS OF TELEPROMPTER

At a Loss for Words

Libyan strongman,  Mohammar Qadaffi spoke to a large crowd this evening in Tripoli, as coalition forces continued to hammer away at the Libyan Capital.  In his address, which Qadaffi had hand-written on a jumbo size yellow legal pad, he slammed NATO and the US for bombing his country.  Sources close to the Libyan strongman are reporting that he was particularly upset that his teleprompter was destroyed along with much of his compound by a Tomahawk Missile on Monday.  Qadaffi railed privately about how important his teleprompter was to him in fooling most poorly educated Libyans into believing he was a tremendous public speaker.  “My whole message of hope and change was made so believable to the gullible masses, because of my skilled use of this particular instrument,” he said.   “It was my main tool of governance and helped me control my countrymen, by making me appear much smarter than I really am,” he stated privately to his closest advisors.  “This item must be replaced quickly before my people realize what a sham and false leader I really am.”

Libyan radio is reporting that Qadaffi’s location is not known but, he is believed to be golfing somewhere in southern Libya or on vacation in Switzerland.

REPORT: EARTHQUAKE MAY HAVE STARTED AT SUMO CONVENTION

They Didn't Mean It

A report just released by the Tokyo News Agency claims that the recent Earthquake in Japan may have originated at a Sumo Convention held just outside of Sendai, in Northeastern Japan.    According to Minister of State, Hedeko Fujisoma, preliminary reports back-tracing the 8.9 quake pinpoint its origin at the complex housing the largest ever convention of Sumo Wrestlers in the world.  “We believe we have pinpointed it,” said Fujisoma.  “It’s starting to look like these guys were warming up for their tournament and simultaneously began to do some jumping jacks.”  “With over 1100 of these guys all jumping up and down at the same time, well it was just too much for the fault line to withstand,” he lamented.  “How can anyone think it was preventable,” asked Hiro Nakemora, a wrestler who survived the devastation.    “We were just starting our warm-up and our group leader, Hedikio, said, ” lets all do some jumping jacks to get some cardio.”  “Next thing we know, objects are beginning to shake and some of the buildings started to sway.”   “Knowing what we know now, we should have done some deep knee bends instead,”  he added.

U.S. OFFERS INTERNMENT TO DISPLACED JAPANESE

Open for Business Once Again

The U.S. government has offered to inter Japanese citizens displaced by the Earthquake and tsunami in several existing WW II internment camps in Arkansas, Arizona and Utah.  “This is the least we can do,” said Frank Roosevelt, Special Assistant for the Internal Affairs Division of the Interior Department.  “We have these camps sitting empty since the 40’s, so we may as well put them to use.”   “Besides that they are still decorated with an Oriental Motif.”  “It may take a bit of refurbishing but, there is no question we can get them up and running quickly,” he added.

JAPANESE CONSIDER ACTIVATING GODZILLA SOLUTION

Could He Help?

In a drastic attempt to stop their nuclear power plants from melting down and creating an epic catastrophe, the Japanese government is considering unfreezing Godzilla to aid in the effort.  Scientists are hesitating because of disagreement as to whether the giant monster can be controlled once it is removed from its resting place in Antarctica and brought to the islands.  “We’ve had this problem before with Godzilla,”  announced Tekero Nakasone, head of the government’s “Frozen Slumber Project,”    the Tokyo group responsible for the suspended animation of the legendary dinosaur.   “It’s hard to say what the creature will do.”  “He is very moody, especially after being awakened from a long sleep.   “He could be very helpful in containing any meltdowns with his fire=breathing skills,” added Nakasone.  “Or in a worst case scenario, he could go completely nuts and ransack another large part of the country,” said the minister.  “