In a stunning move, sure to send shockwaves through the baseball community, the Pittsburgh Pirates agreed to cop to 99 losses in advance of the 2011 baseball season. According to sources the Pirates agreed to the deal, “In order to spare our fans the useless emotions involved with hope and anticipation,” according to manager Clint Hurdle. “We promised the fans we would do better this year,” said Hurdle, “but, we didn’t mean on the field.” “What we meant by that was we would do better in being honest with the few hundred fans we have left.” “I have to give the credit to our owners, the Nutting Family, for their honest and refreshing approach to the season.” “They just felt that it would get the monkey off our backs, and earn the respect of our fans, if we would just own up to being a shit team right from the start.” “That way nobody gets hurt;” added the Pirates skipper.
“It really serves the interests of everybody to get that bullshit idea of hope killed off quickly.” “Probably the best thing to come out of this agreement is that we avoid 100 losses,” commented Hurdle. “Now we can set about to decide who the first pick will be in the 2012 draft.”