INVENTOR OF TELEPROMPTER DIES-OBAMA IN MOURNING

Pausing for a Smoke

Reports out of The White House indicate the President Obama is extremely shocked and saddened over the death of Hub Schafly, inventor of the Teleprompter.  White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, announced the death at his daily press briefing.   “The President is very saddened to hear of the loss of one of America’s greatest inventors,” Carney added.   It was also reported that President Obama will be ordering all flags to be flown at half staff for the next week.

MAN OF LA MANCHA NOT REALLY FROM LA MANCHA

Quixote and Panza in Happier Times

After a nearly two-year investigation, Italian authorities have announced that Don Quixote (aka The Man of La Mancha) is not really from La Mancha after all but rather from the nearby village of Avellino.   “This revelation is sending shock waves across Italy and beyond,” said Luigi Pantrotto, spokesman for Italy’s prominent ”  La Repubblica” newspaper.  “It’s depressing to find out we have been lied to all these years,”  he added.  

Neither Don Quixote or his alter ego, Miguel de Cervantes could be reached for comment.  However Quixote’s squire, Sancho Panza, admitted to the deception citing a payment Quixote is supposed to have received from the Mayor of La Mancha, in exchange for his using the city’s name as his hometown.   Presently, it is thought that Quixote is in hiding and avoiding the investigation and the media.

PENS CROSBY TO PLAY WEARING NEW ANTI-CONCUSSION GEAR

Crosby's New Gear

Pittsburgh Penguins superstar Sydney Crosby is expected to play in the Stanley Cup Playoffs this season, after not playing since January, due to a concussion.  Crosby, who has been skating during practice recently, was not expected to play anymore this season.  Pens GM Ray Shero made the announcement on Sunday, after learning that Penguin’s superfan,  Stush Kolajezweiski,  a steelworker from Monesson, PA has developed a special helmet and gear for Crosby to wear.  “Stush has assured us that this protective equipment is foolproof,” said Shero.  “We’ve tested it out at practice over the last couple of days and in our opinion, he’s right.”   Pens coach, Dan Blysma added, “This is a godsend for our team.”  “To get Syd back out there without the worry of him taking another elbow in the mush is huge.”   “We really need him out there if we are going to have any hope of winning another cup.”

Shero when asked to comment further on the new equipment said, “this stuff is made for contact.”   “Anybody else takes a run at him will live to regret it.”  “He will be a force out there.”

PITTSBURGH TV STATIONS BRAWL OVER ACCESS TO HINES WARD

1 Hot Commodity

Police were called in to break up a fight among news reporters from the three main TV Stations in Pittsburgh.  Witnesses told police that reporters from KDKA, WTAE AND WPXI arrived at Heinz Field around 11 am yesterday to shoot some footage of the stadium to use with their afternoon and evening newscasts.  It appears that KDKA TV’s Marty Griffin, was doing the intro for his story when WTAE Reporter Sally Wiggin inadvertently walked into the shot.  This lead  Mr. Griffin to shout a few profanities which, Ms Wiggen apparently believed were directed at her.  Just as the argument began to escalate, WPXI’s David Johnson shouted at both Ms. Wiggin and Mr. Griffin to quiet down because his audio was picking up the argument.  Allegedly, at that point, Ms. Wiggin told Mr. Johnson to, “shut up yourself you assh*le.”   Witnesses sat that Mr. Johnson  rushed to the scene and shoved his microphone into the face of Ms. Wiggin.  At that moment, Mr. Griffin  jumped in and pushed both reporters, at which time a brawl broke out among the three.

Police were called to the scene and ordered the three reporters to cease and desist.  By the time additional offers came on the scene, Ms. Wiggin’s dress was torn, and Mr. Johnson and Mr. Griffin were rolling around on the ground, yelling obscenities at each other.

All three reporters were taken into custody just as Hines Ward  was scheduled to make an on camera appearance from hotel room in Hollywood, where he is participating in Dancing With The Stars.  When informed about the incident, Ward was quoted as saying, “What a bunch of morons, I can’t believe anyone would be so stupid.”  A hearing was set for next Friday in Pittsburgh Court.

NASA LAUNCHES SANFORD PROBE TO CLEAN SPACE JUNK

Space Junk Collectors

With pieces of a Chinese satellite posing a serious threat to the space station , NASA has launched the Fred G. Sanford space junk collection probe.  The newly designed unmanned spacecraft is designed to collect floating space junk.  “This probe has a robotic arm and is able to collect 25,000 square feet of junk,” said Grady Wilson, operations director of the project.  “With the Sanford Probe,  we have the ability to do a first rate job in collecting the space clutter floating around in Earth’s orbit,” he added.    “If this is as successful as we think it’s going to be, we plan on working on an updated model with a collecting arm and a second, magnetic arm.”   “The second collector is tentatively called, “The Lamont.”

It’s expected that the probe will bring the collected junk back to Earth for disposal at NASA’s Watts disposal facility.