Helpful Mob

A large urban mob ran amok throughout Charlotte NC today helping repair homes, mowing lawns, carrying groceries, picking up litter and helping old ladies across the street.  According to WCNC News the mob began to gather near city hall around 9:00 AM and quickly fanned out around the city helping residents for the better part of nine hours.  “I’ve never seen minorities  help anyone like this ever before,” said John Drummond, a City of Charlotte Councilman.   “This is extremely unusual and caught us all by surprise,” he added.  Mary Lichtersnatch a long time city resident couldn’t believe what she was seeing.  “I was out in my yard trying to clean up a bit and I suddenly see this group of color kids running toward me with brooms and shovels.”  “I started to run toward my front door but, before I could get inside I was surrounded by these kids and they were sweeping and shoveling trash and even fixing my porch railing.”  “It was unbelievable.” “It’s hard to believe something like this could ever happen,” said Al Julius.   “I’m just glad these ones were friendly, otherwise I thought I was in trouble.”



The Soon to be late ex-president

With the news that former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak will be put on trial for the murder of protesters who opposed his regime, builders have quickly begun plans to build a pyramid in central Egypt to hold his body.  “In the Egyptian form of justice he doesn’t have a chance in Hell,” said Aheem el Faud, head council assigned to Mubarak’s defense team.  “In our country, just being charged is the equivalent of an execution,” he added.  Mubarak, who ruled the country with an iron fist since the assassination of Anwar Sadat in 1981 was placed under house arrest shortly after sweeping protests spread across the country.  It was during those protests that a number of participants were killed by security forces operating under the direction of Mubarak. 

Workers will really have to step up the pace of building to assure that his pyramid will be ready by the conclusion of his show trial.  Mubarak is expected to fight the charges but the success rate for victory in a casse like his is essentially zero.  His final resting place is scheduled to be near his beloved city of Cairo.


The Rupture

Harold Camping the head of Family Radio Worldwide  and Project Caravan, today clarified an apparent error in a press release put out by his organization earlier this year.  In the original release it was stated that “The Rapture’ would be upon us on May 21, 2011, thus bringing about the end of the world as we know it.  However, earlier today Mr. Camping clarified that release by saying that it should have said, “Rupture” and not “Rapture.”     “What we were taking about was that a giant rupture was going to occur somewhere on Earth.”  ” We were thinking in terms of a fault line breaching or something like that.”  “We’re not really sure what is going to rupture,”  he added.  “It could be an oil tanker,  a dam somewhere, or even the Goodyear Blimp.”  “We want to apologize for any confusion this may have caused.”  “Thank you and have a nice day.”


Pirate's New Fireballer

Desperate to infuse new blood into it’s mix of pitchers, Major League Baseball has agreed to allow the Pirates to sign the first Palestinian prospect,  Abu el Saleem of Gaza to a contract.   This would be the first ever Palestinian player in Major Leagues history.  Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig released the following statement.  “We here at MLB Headquarters have been looking to make our game appealing to a wider audience and when the Pirates came to us with this request, we couldn’t refuse.”  “We are hopeful that this could lead to a number of other clubs taking a closer look at these Palestinian rock throwers,” he added.   “I want to commend the Pirates scouting department for picking up on this new source of talent,” he said. “We are going to back him 100% and will encourage our other teams to take a closer look at this region.” 

Pirates President, Frank Coonley commented, “We are very excited to be opening the door to a new regional pool of talent for ourselves and the league.”  “The credit goes to our scouting department, especially our chief scout,  Murray Feinstein, who spotted el Saleem on a TV Newscast, whipping some huge stones at the Israeli Police.”  “Murray was able to clock the stones at 98 miles per hour and then worked with the news crew to track down el Saleem.”  “When we offered him a contract he balked at first but, when we offered him an apartment with running water and electricity, he came around pretty quickly.”  “We plan on delousing him and cleaning him up in the next couple of days and hopefully he will be in Pittsburgh in the next week.” 

Pirate Manager, Clint Hurdle was ecstatic when he heard the news and watched the tape of the rock throwers.  “I immediately knew which one he was,” said Hurdle.  “When I saw that rock fly and bounce off that Israeli Cop’s helmet, I thought to myself, “what a phenomenal arm that kid has,”  he could really help us out.”   Hurdle said he expects to have el Saleem in the starting rotation by June 1st.  “This guy could lead the turnaround we’ve waited 18 years for,” Hurdle added.    Saleem’s only other demands were that he not be assigned a Jewish roommate or be forced to shower more than once a month. 


Pictures Missing

The Obama administration announced that the photos taken by navy seals during the raid on Osama Bin Laden’s Compound have been lost at the Pakistan Photo Hut since Sunday when they were taken there for developing.   According to  Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, the photos were taken directly to the photo lab’s one hour service window.  “We have the receipt and everything,” Clinton said.  “This is all on them,” she reiterated.   “This is usually one of the most trustworthy businesses in the city, ” she stated.  “Nothing like this has ever happened before.”  “We’ve had tons of stuff developed there in the past but, for some reason, they screwed this one up.”

Store owner Hashim Kalifia indicated his intention to make the situation right.  “We have a guarantee that gives anyone who has a problem with our developing service a one hundred rupee gift card and we will do that for our American friends.”  ” In the mean time we will keep looking until we find them,” he added.


Terrorist Plot ?

Taliban and al-Qaeda leaders in Pakistan have vowed revenge against America for the killing of Osama bin Laden in Pakistan on Sunday.  Apparently, the plan is to have Muslims from around the world flood the phone lines of the TV Show, Dancing With The Stars,  in order to skew the results and have Hines Ward and his partner Kym Johnson eliminated.  “This is a truly diabolical plot,” said Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano.  “We can fight against guns and bombs but, it’s going to be pretty difficult to deal with this kind of threat.”  ” We’ve never seen anything like this before,” she added. 

“We are a bit frustrated in that our show is being used as a weapon of revenge,”stated Jon Mitchell, the show’s associate producer.  ‘We plan on working with the phone company to block any calls coming in from Pakistan.  Instead callers will be directed to an 800 number for Dial a Prayer.