Hairs to Ya

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was voted “Man with the Hottest Hair” by the AFI, “Association of Future Inmates,”  of Chicago.  “I’m stunned and honored to achieve this prestigious award,” said the former Governor.    “I’m honored to have received 17 of the 20 possible votes.  I hope to enjoy this award for the next 20 years to life,” he added.  When asked if he would be willing to sell the award for a higher political office Blagojevich responded, “anything is possible if the price is right but, I’m still deeply honored.



Curly, Larry and Moe Mug for the Camera

A Cuban remake of  The 3 Stooges is to begin filming in September now that the casting has been completed.  Director Pedro Sanchez Gonzalez-Fernandez recently completed casting for the film, which will depict the lives of Moe and Curly Howard and Larry Fine.   “We have had this project in the works for three years while we searched for the right combination of actors to take on the roles of the three slapstick funny men,”  said Gonzalez-Fernandez.   “I expect our biggest challenge will be in make-up as we prepare the stars to play The Stooges in their early years,” he added.   “Our plan is to start the movie in the later years of The Stooges lives and work our way backwards as we tell the  story of this trio.”  The movie is set to be completed sometime in the fall of 2012.


Star of Dave

Word out of Israel is that the Jewish state’s religious leaders have decided to rename the religion’s iconic symbol. The Star of David.  “Henceforth the symbol of the Jewish Faith will be known as the “Star of Dave,” said Rabbi Hiram Abraham.  “We are simply responding to a more modern age and our faith’s place in that new age,” he added.   “We realize that to make our faith more interesting to the younger crowd, we need to become more hip.”   According to the Jewish Daily News, discussions are also taking place to market a backwards yarmulke and a Menorah shaped like lightning bolts.


More Schnitzel than Weiner

Investigators from TZM are reporting on research they have conducted on Representative  Anthony  Weiner.  It appears that Congressman Weiner’s original family name was not, ” Weiner”, as many have believed.   Citing dependable sources from the hometown of Weiner’s great-grandfather in Germany, the original family surname was, “Schnitzel.”   Weiner’s grandfather Klaus Schnitzel apparently changed the name immediately upon emigrating to the United States.  Further research indicates that “Weiner”  actually appears as the Congressman’s middle name on his original birth certificate with “Schnitzel” appearing as his last name.   This news calls into question whether any bills or other documents the Representative signed as, Anthony Weiner, rather than his legal name of, A. Weiner Schitzel, are legitimate. 


It's Up There Somewhere

In a remarkable stroke of fortune, Jacob Reiss, a former research scientist and current Altzheimers Patient from Orlando Florida discovered a cure for the deadly affliction, this past Sunday.  Unfortunately, before he could share his discovery with the world, Mr. Reiss misplaced the notes he had taken on the process for making the vaccine.  “I just had those dang notes in my hand a minute ago,” he said.  “I put them down someplace, I think, and I don’t remember where.” 

At last report most of the members of the staff and other patients were seen searching the facility grounds in hopes of turning up the papers.


Arizona is Toast

In a bold move intended to stop the overwhelming influx of illegal aliens into the state, Governor Jan Brewer and the Arizona legislature have authorized the controlled burning down of the entire state.  “I think we’ve finally found a way to keep out these freeloaders,” cited state official Carlos Ponzi.  “After long discussions in the Legislature and Governor’s Office, the idea came about that the best way to stop people from coming in illegally, would be to make it less appealing in some way, and the best idea we could think of was to just go ahead and burn the state down,” he added. 

“We should have done this years ago,” said Joe Friday, spokesman for the Governor’s Office.  “It’s just like trying to get rid of an anthill, a little bit of fire and “poof,” the ants are gone.

It is expected that residents will be given 48 hours to pack up and get out.


Marshall Dillon in Happier Times

A gunfight that erupted suddenly in the normally peaceful town of Dodge City claimed the life of a popular lawman yesterday.  Marshall Matt Dillon was gunned down at high noon at the center of town, just outside of The Long Branch Saloon.  Apparently, Dillon had agreed to a gunfight with longtime Dodge City resident and troublemaker, Dirk McSorley.  According to eyewitnesses Dillon and McSorley both walked out from adjoining streets into the center of Main Street and proceeded to square off  at around noon yesterday.  Witnesses say that McSorley and Dillon faced each other, fair and square, with McSorley getting the drop on the Marshall.  According to eyewitness and Deputy, Festus Hagen, Dillon appeared to have his gun out first but for some reason did not attempt to fire immediately.  “Matthew had his gun out mighty quick, said Hagen, but, for some gosh darn reason, didn’t pull the trigger.”   “It was as if he done froze up,” Hagen added.

According to another eyewitness, Dodge City’s medical examiner Doc Adams,  he had been treating Dillon for some arthritis in his shooting hand as recently as last week and it may have played a role in Dillon’s difficulty in squeezing the trigger on his revolver.   “Matt was really have some trouble with that hand,” said Adams.  “He was even having trouble  shaking hands.”  “I don’t know why he agreed to a  gunfight knowing he was having a problem,” he added. 

When asked if it was possible the gun malfunctioned,  local gunsmith  Newly O’Brien,  dismissed the notion.  “I checked over Matt’s gun just about a week ago and the piece was in great condition.”  I can’t imagine it was possible for the gun to mess up, Matt always took good care of his weapon,” added O’Brien.   “It’s a complete shock.”

Longtime Dillon lady friend, Miss Kitty Blake, owner of the Long Branch Saloon, was in tears upon hearing the news.  “All these years flirting with Matt and he never as much as kissed me and now he’s gone for good.”  “I don’t know if I will ever get over this.”  Funeral arrangements for Dillon are incomplete at this time.