Head of America's Only Profitable Post Office

Sam Drucker can’t figure out how the Post Office is losing so much money.   Drucker a longtime Postmaster/Carrier in rural Hooterville, is having a tough time understanding the losses incurred by his employer, the U.S. Postal Service.  “I just don’t get it,”  Drucker stated, “I’ve been doing this for 50 years and been turning a profit the whole time.”  “Running a Post Office ain’t no big deal,”  he added,  “you just got to keep a balance between your overhead, the amount of mail you handle, and find some other creative ways to turn a profit.”  Drucker’ and his Post Office also serve as a General Store, Bank, Newspaper Headquarters, Office of the Superintendent of Schools, Constable’s Office and office of the Justice of the Peace.

“Drucker’s model is being closely observed by the United States Postal Service,” announced Postmaster General Patrick Donahoe.  “We are open to the idea that he may be doing it all right and we are the ones that got it all wrong,” he added.  “We are bleeding $8 Billion Dollars a year and this guy is making a profit.”  “We have to be willing to learn.”

When asked about his formula for success, Drucker modestly replied, “Lots of hard work and figuring out a way to keep your overhead costs down.”    “You got to be willing to wear a lot of different hats.” 

Drucker is quick to share credit with the community.  “We have a great relationship with the Cannonball and it’s crew, Floyd Smoot and Charley Pratt,” he added.  “They pick up the mail in Pixley and bring it in regular as clockwork.” 



Make Us Number One or ELSE!

Vincent Gray, Mayor of Washington DC has issued a formal complaint with Morgan Quitno Press over his city’s ranking as America’s 2nd most dangerous city.  “We have worked long and hard, as have previous democratic administrations, to keep this city in first place in this most prestigious category,” stated the mayor. 

“We are proud of the many achievements of our city over the last 50 years, said Gray.  “We have held the title of Murder Capital a number of times over this period and have been number one on this list in the past as well.”

“Our goal is to win this distinction every year and to represent the population of this fine community proudly,” said Mr. Gray.  “We are asking Quitno Press to reconsider its position, take a recount or double-check the statistics one more time, he said.   “In our book,  the D.C. in Washington D.C. will always  stand for “Dangerous City!”


Running Toward Open Borders

In a response to a recent question by a reporter at a Democratic Press Conference, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid have stated that the President is doing everything he can to assure the future of America’s Borders.  The democrats have almost entirely expressed support for the President’s position on Borders and how they should operate.  “We are in favor of open Borders all across America,” said Pelosi.  “The fact is we want to maintain Borders in a way that will allow the most people in because, it’s great for business,” she added.   When asked how open Borders are in the country’s best interest, Reid responded, “We find that having Borders open provides a secure and safe environment for all people, not just Americans but, all over North America.  “My vote will always be to keep Borders open,” Reid continued. 

When asked if they believed the President had the same opinion on the issue, Reid exclaimed, “Well I know he doesn’t get a chance to shop there much but, he is a fan of their coffee.”  “I’m pretty confident that the President understands the importance of reading in this country and will do whatever it takes to keep Borders open for a long long time.”


Casey's New Digs

After careful consideration for her safety and the safety of others, Casey Anthony’s lawyers, Jose Baez and the fat guy with the beard, have decided to release her into the Amazon Jungle.  “It’s probably the only place she is going to be safe,” Baez said.  “With all the hatred out there and the death threats and all, this is probably the safest and most humane way to go,” he added.   Anthony has spent over three years in prison and is very fearful of being released into any areas occupied by humans.   She is quoted as saying that she wouldn’t mind spending some time in the deep woods away from it all.  She wants a place where she can feel safe and secure. Baez further added, “We are going to set her up in a cabin, with a phone, some satellite TV, running water and power and even an internet connection where she will be able to further her research into the making of chloroform.  “It should be perfect for her with all the plants, trees and vegitiation surrounding her,” Baez added.  “It’s the perfect win-win situation for her.”  “She’ll have built in safety and security as well as the ability to continue her research, said Mr. Baez.   “Things just don’t get any better than this.”


Exonerated Orlando murder defendant, Casey Anthony placed an ad yesterday in the Orlando Sentinel seeking the services of a babysitter.  Upon her release from prison on July 17th, Anthony will be traveling to an undisclosed location.   Officials are not sure as to why Anthony feels she needs a babysitter but, are powerless to stop her.


Liar's Club Awardee Living It Up

Orlando’s most famous exonerated “alleged” killer, Casey Anthony has accepted an invitation to be roasted at New York’s famous Liar’s Club in October.  Anthony follows in the foot steps of many great Liar’s Club Honorees of the past such as;  John Edwards, O. J. Simpson, Scott Peterson, Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton.   Anthony has indicated she will be getting a new tattoo, “magnifico menzogne”  which loosely translates to “My Beautiful Lies,” in order to memorialize the event.    When she became aware of the honor, Anthony was quoted as saying, “I plan on being there if I can get Universal to give me the time off.”   In addition  Anthony stated that if she should receive a  statuette, rather than place it on her mantle, she would instead bury it in the woods somewhere near her parents home.