AMAZINGLY, 36,218 FANS FAIL TO FALL TO THEIR DEATHS AT RANGERS GAME

I Hope This At Least Gets Me An Autograph

In a remarkable turn of events 36,218 baseball fans were able to walk out of the Ballpark at Arlington alive after yesterday’s Rangers Game against the Angels.  “We’re not sure how that  happened,”  said Vic Timm, Assistant Director of Baseball Operations for the Rangers.  According to Timm, “Last February, one of our interns came up with the idea of , Fall to Your Death Nights, which had been working pretty well up to yesterday.”  “Somehow or other, everyone got out alive yesterday,  and frankly, we are a bit disappointed,”  he added.  “In fact, we are considering a refund to our fans, along with an apology for the lack of carnage at the stadium.”    I’m not going to say for sure but, there is a pretty good chance we won’t be having this promotion any longer.” 

“In fact we already have a new idea in the works for next season called Waterboarding Night,”  said Timm.  

POORLY SUPERVISED MORONS WAIT FOR DEATH TO ARRIVE

Look Over There.....It's Death a Comin'

Several Morons on vacation in North Carolina waded out into the Atlantic Ocean to wait for the Hurricane.  Justin Barber and his classmates, Bob Winehut and Gabe Lawson broke away from their handlers this morning to, “Go out and meet Irene,”  according to Barber’s last words.  The trio was visiting the beach as part of a group from the J. E. Carter School for the Dimwitted, in Plains Georgia.  According to chaperone, Ivan Yesti, he and another chaperone brought a dozen students to the beach to briefly experience the wind.  “We had no idea that they would wander out into the ocean to meet the hurricane,”  he added.  “It was just supposed to be a five-minute thing and then back to the hotel but, somehow, when my partner and I were distracted by some of the other students, well the next thing you know, those three are 200 feet out in the water.”  “We yelled at the top of our lungs for them to get back to shore but, they didn’t respond.”  “the last thing we heard was Justin shouting, “Here it comes,”  he lamented. 

Yesti added, “We’re not quite sure how to break it to their parents,”  “I’m hoping they don’t flip out!” 

MSNBC REPORTER SAID TO BE ANGERED OVER “WHITE” KING MEMORIAL

Why Is He White?

Sources are saying that MSNBC’S newest news host, Al Sharpton was furious upon seeing the Martin Luther King Memorial and realizing that it is made from white granite.   Apparently, he was  increasingly incensed upon learning that the Memorial was carved in China by a Chinese sculptor,  and then shipped to the USA.  Sharpton was allegedly overheard saying,  “I can’t believe that something like this was allowed to happen, we don’t want no white statue.”  “And to have it stamped, Made in China, why that’s just too insulting.”        Sharpton was overheard saying to an associate, “resist we much.”

 He is said to be  planning a march of some kind to protest his unhappiness.

CRAZY GUGGENHEIM RETURNS TO TV

Hey Craze

Yeah Joe?

After years out of the public eye, entertainer Frankie Fontaine aka, Crazy Guggenheim has returned to television.   Fontaine was seen recently anchoring a News Program on MSNBC.  “I’m not happy that I don’t get to sing, ”  Fontaine lamented, ” but, I get to do the comedy and make a real Jackass of myself.”   I’ve always wanted to play the part of a hapless moron, and MSNBC was willing to take a chance on me.”  “For that I’m eternally grateful. ”               

CASEY ANTHONY TO WED JORAN VAN DER SLOOT

A Killer Couple

In a surprise announcement made by her attorney Jose Baez, Casey Anthony is said to be set to marry Joran van der Sloot in January of 2012.  The wedding is expected to take place in the Peruvian prison in which van der Sloot is being held for the murder of Stephany Flores Ramirez, in a Lima hotel in May of 2010.   Anthony was said to admire van der Sloot, “from the moment I saw him on TV in 2005.”   ‘I’ve had a crush on him for a long time,” Anthony allegedly confided to a friend while she was in prison in Florida charged with the murder of her daughter Calee in 2008.

According to sources from the Orange County Jail, where Anthony was held for three years, Casey was extremely excited at the prospect of “hooking up” with van der Sloot as soon as she was released from prison.  Anthony was alleged to have said that she felt a strong attachment to van der Sloot and believed that they had a “unique bond”  and “shared something very special that couldn’t be put into words.”   

Sources in Peru have stated that van der Sloot is equally excited with the proposition of “getting together with my soul mate.”  He was overheard telling a fellow prisoner, “when two people have such an honest, truthful and open relationship like we plan to have, it’s destiny.”  It is reported that Anthony is looking in to purchasing a home near the Peruvian prison to begin setting up a love nest, “for Joran to come back to,” at the conclusion of his sentence.  Van Der Sloot’s defense is expected to open his trial with information about his long time molestation at the hands of his father and older brother. This molestation is said to have caused him to develop feelings of anger and rage toward women.  His mother is expected to testify that it was she who was using the family computer to look up, “Aruba” and “how to dispose of a body on the beach,” for a research project she was doing for a course she was taking at the time. 

Reports indicate that both are looking forward to the opportunity for conjugal visits, and are hoping to have children as soon as possible.    According to sources, van der Sloot indicated that, “We are hoping for a little girl,”     The couple plans to honeymoon in Aruba.

IOWA STRAW POLE DANCER INJURED WHEN POLE COLLAPSES

Falling in the Poles

Linda “Hot Legs” Halpern was injured when the straw pole she was using in her dance routine collapsed, throwing her off the stage and into the crowd at the Iowa Fairgrounds.  Halpern was in the middle of her performance when the pole gave way.  Witnesses indicated that shortly after she mounted the pole and began to writhe up and down doing her “imitation of coitus” routine, a noticeable bow was visible near the ceiling at the point where the pole was attached.  Fair goer and strip tease aficionado Harlan Stuart was startled to see the nude body flying toward his table, as he sat in the audience enjoying the performance.  “I come every year and never seen nothing like this before,” he said.    “I came to see Sarah Palin  and the animals and to enjoy the show but, I never expected to get a face full of flying ass,” he exclaimed!  

Event organizer Sarah McClain when approached for a comment on the incident was quoted as saying, “This is the first time we used actual straw poles and it will most likely be the last.”  “I can tell you that this is the first such incident we ever had like this and thank god it happened AFTER the voting took place.”  Halpern was taken to a local hospital and no update was available on her condition.  In a side note, early reports indicate that that winner of the vote was Michelle Bachmann, who was not in the area when the dancing accident occurred. 

D.B. COOPER STRIKES AGAIN

Back With a Vengeance

After a nearly 40 year hiatus, famed hijacker D.B. Cooper appears to have struck again.  News reports out of Portland indicate that a late afternoon flight en route to Seattle was hijacked by a man matching Cooper’s description.  Rather than demanding a ransom as he had done in 1971, Cooper instead collected all the cash, jewelry and valuables from the passengers and flight crew, donned a parachute and jumped from the rear of the plane into a heavily wooded area of Washington State, about 50 miles south of Seattle.  Cooper, who passengers described as appearing to be in his mid-seventies, told the flight crew that he had come out of retirement because of the weak economy and indicated that the $200,000 he received in his 1971 ransom demand, was long gone, lost by bad investments in the stock market.  Cooper even took a moment to sign his autograph on a napkin presented to him by one of the passengers.  The FBI responded to the incident by immediately placing Cooper back atop its “Most Wanted” List.