VIOLENT CRIME INCREASES 53% SINCE NBA LOCKOUT BEGAN

Pretty Tough to Dribble Here

Recent government statistics show a dramatic rise in the crime rate of every city which has an  NBA Teams.  “We don’t know yet if this is a coincidence, or if there is a connection,” said LA Police Spokesman,  Thomas Sanders.    “What we do know is that crimes such as robbery, rape, murder and drug possession have increased dramatically in every NBA city, since the Lock-Out began. ”  Philadelphia police spokesman, Vincent Deluca said, “Were are not positive yet but, it appears that it is a combination of bored fans, who have nothing to do, and the fact that so many unemployed players are now on the streets.”

NBA Commissioner, David Stern is concerned that if and when a new collective bargaining agreement is reached, teams will find many of their players in the pokey instead of on the court.  “We need to be sure our players aren’t doing time when the season begins,” he added.   “We have known for quite a while that many of these guys would be in prison if it wasn’t for playing hoops,’ said Stern.    However, Phoenix Prison Warden Stanley Aldridge has a different take.  “This is really great news for our prison basketball team.”    “We should have a pretty good shot at winning the Arizona Prison League Championship this year.”

MARVEL UNIVERSE DUMPS DON’T ASK DON’T TELL

Will The New Policy Work

Following the lead of the U.S. military, characters in the Marvel Universe have dumped the controversial, “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell,” policy that has been in existence since the creation of the universe in 1961.   “After careful consideration, we have decided to allow our characters to come clean if they so choose,” said Marvel creator, Stan Lee.  “It’s the times we live in,” he added.  “It will take a great deal of pressure off some of our biggest heroes, once they open up about their true orientation.   “Like the new military policy the Marvel characters will no longer be forced to hide their sexual preference, thus making them more relaxed and hopefully, more useful in defending the Earth from destruction.,” said former editor-in-chief, Joseph Stroff.  

Shortly after the new regulations went into effect Peter Parker, AKA Spiderman and Ben Grimm, AKA, The Thing made a joint announcement professing their undying love for each other.   Several other characters are expected to make announcements within the next several days.   It is widely hoped that with the pressure off regarding sexual preference, that the superheroes will be able to focus more on saving the planet. 

CHAZ BONO TO SWITCH BACK ???

Switching Teams Again???

In a surprising development,  the daughter/son of singing icon, Cher, has decided to return to being a female, sources close to the situation  have stated.   Bono, originally born as Chastity, had surgery recently to become  a man.  “After trying this “penis thing” for a few months, I’ve come to realize that I much prefer being a woman,”  he/she added.  “I’m sorry to have caused all the fuss,”  said Bono.   “Thank goodness my vagina and breasts were put into cold storage for just such a situation.”   Bono is expected to be re-transformed on September 22nd at a hospital in LA.   MSNBC has decided to televise the procedure.   ‘Our viewers want to see this and we are going to provide them the opportunity,”  said Network VP,  Jordan Mike.  ” This should really bump up our ratings.”  he added.