An Island in the South Pacific, long uncharted, was recently discovered to have a Stonehenge like outcropping of giant penises. These rock hard penises are between 10 and 15 feet tall and 5 to 10 feet in circumference. It is unclear where these monoliths came from, who put them there or how long ago. “We are completely baffled by these things,” said Joseph Lowery, Chairman of the Pacific Island Museum. “We’ve never seen anything quite like this,” he quipped. “The only thing that comes close would be Stonehenge but, those rocks were just rectangles stacked on top of one another.” “These are different because they are shaped like a male appendage.”
“It’s an amazing find and we hope to be able to research in greater detail how these came to be,” he added.
NBA Action Stays Out of the Hood
In a bit of a surprise, the NBA has announced that they are six weeks into their lockout with the players and no players have yet been fatally stabbed or shot. “It”s an amazing record,” said Commissioner David Stern. “We never expected that all the players would still be living after not playing for this long.” We’re stunned,” he added. When asked how he thought it was possible for that many players to have survived this long, Stern was non-committal in his response. “I don’t have a clue,” he responded. “All I know is we were counting on having to replace five or six of these guys, but so far, everybody is still alive.” “It’s just that with so many of these guys spending so much more time back in the hood, I expected some casualties.” No one is sure how much longer the good fortune will hold out but, according to the owners, they have as many as ten replacements ready to go, should any of the player get capped.
White House Job Ahead?
Sources close to the administration are saying that President Obama plans to appoint former Michael Jackson physician, Doctor Conrad Murray as the new Chief White House Physician, as soon as the his trial is completed. “Obviously, we expect Doctor Murray to be exonerated,” said White House Spokesman Jay Carney. “The President has a deep respect for Doctor Murray and has been a big fan of his work for quite some time,” he added.
Murray is facing charges in the death of pop superstar, Michael Jackson, who passed away nearly two years ago as a result of the effects of propofol, a drug used in operating rooms to help put the patients to sleep. Murray was administering the drug to Jackson at the time of his death.
“The President is extremely confident that Murray will be found innocent and that he will be able to begin the job shortly after the end of the trial,” said Carney.
Rumors floating around the White House and in the Main Stream Media are that President Obama’s Teleprompter and related equipment were stolen by agents of the Republican National Committee. Chances are that those rumors are not true but, what is known is that without the teleprompter the President is in serious trouble. Since coming into office Obama has relied almost entirely on the teleprompter whenever he is speaking. Some say that he even uses it in the bedroom to command Michelle as she services him. Since the teleprompter disappeared Obama has not spoken publicly and all his speaking engagements have been cancelled. The Democratic Party is offering a reward of $50,000 for the safe return of the device.
Don't be a Boob-Support Breast Awareness
October has been named “Breast Awareness” month by No Maam, The National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Master-hood. According to event organizer and long time breast connoisseur, Al Bundy, this designation is not to be confused with Breast “Cancer” Awareness Month. Bundy’s group wants to make it known that they are simply promoting an awareness of breasts and are seeking no funds or donations for their project. “We want all men to really be keenly aware of breasts wherever they go,” said Bundy. “It’s the one uniting factor among men,” he added. “From the time we are infants suckling on our mothers teats, to the time we are married and admiring those of other women, our world is filled with casaba melons of every size, shape and color.” “It makes everyday like Thanksgiving,” he added. “No Maam is hoping that this recognition will spread and provide a rallying point for men everywhere.”
No Maam’s Breast Awareness Month activities are expected to include a, Show us your Breasts Parade, An America’s Most Beautiful Breast Contest and a Free Breast Exam provided by the members of No Maam.