In a bit of a surprise, the NBA has announced that they are six weeks into their lockout with the players and no players have yet been fatally stabbed or shot. “It”s an amazing record,” said Commissioner David Stern. “We never expected that all the players would still be living after not playing for this long.” We’re stunned,” he added. When asked how he thought it was possible for that many players to have survived this long, Stern was non-committal in his response. “I don’t have a clue,” he responded. “All I know is we were counting on having to replace five or six of these guys, but so far, everybody is still alive.” “It’s just that with so many of these guys spending so much more time back in the hood, I expected some casualties.” No one is sure how much longer the good fortune will hold out but, according to the owners, they have as many as ten replacements ready to go, should any of the player get capped.