The U.S. Government has finally come clean and admitted what most folks already knew, that is, sports are more important than anything else. “We like to pretend we care about things like the economy, hunger, homelessness and crime and family, but the truth of the matter is, all of that is BS,” said John Crandell, head of the Department of State’s Domestic Affairs Division. “It’s just a bunch of crap that we keep pretending we care about some of those issues,” he added. “Once and for all we need to admit that the thing that matters most to Americans, is sports.” “We really don’t give a shit that kids are going to bed hungry or seniors are eating dog food.” What’s really and truly important is how the Packers or Eagles are playing and how well we are doing in our Fantasy League, he added. “Those soldiers fighting in Asia have to take a backseat when the Steelers or Ravens are playing.”
The NBA and NFL have joined forces in requiring all black players to take classes in the English language. The requirement was slipped in to the recent labor settlements each league has signed with its respective players associations. At a joint press conference held yesterday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goddell and NBA Commissioner David Stern announced that the new requirement will go into effect immediately. “Just listening to some of these guys talk, it’s really tough to understand them without resorting to a translator,” said Goddell. “They are the faces of the league,” added Stern. “It’s something that needs to happen.” “We want to be able to communicate effectively with our fans and the best way to do it is to speak English and speak it clearly,” Stern chimed.
“We’ve hired a couple of retired English and Grammer instructors in each city and the teams will be responsible to provide space and time for the instruction,” Goddell said.
When asked what the white players will be doing while their teammates are in class, Goddell responded, “It’s up to the individual teams but, we are encouraging them to get more athletic.” Stern added, “We really don’t have any of those types to worry about.”
Penn State University Trustees have voted to allow former assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky to complete his PHD despite the current charges against him. University VP, Pat Terno stated that the university had no choice but to allow the disgraced ex coach to complete his studies since he was not yet convicted of any crimes.. Pat Terno added, “We know the whole thing stinks but, there isn’t any way right now that we can legally stop him.” “Sandusky is three credits shy of the Degree he has been working on since 1998 and since his is considered innocent at the moment, we have to allow him in,” he responded. When asked to identify what the degree was in Terno responded, ” I believe it’s in Early Childhood Education. “My understanding is his final class will be Student Teaching at State College Elementary.
On Sunday December 4th, all public television stations around the country will hold a 24 hour telethon to raise money for their viewers. “This will be the first of its kind,” said James Wittman, Director of the National Public Television Panel. According to Wittman, plans are to have some programs running throughout the day, with numerous interruptions, to allow for volunteers to call people from the phone book and determine how best to send them out a big fat check. “We should really be able to help out of a lot of people,” he added. In return for their donations ,the public televisions stations are asking that those receiving the cash send back 3 CD’s for each 25 dollars they receive.
In an effort to bail out America’s mail system, which has already lost $5.1 Billion Dollars this year, the Obama Administration and Congress have agreed to allow the U.S. Postal Service to increase the cost of a First Class stamp to $44.00
“These one or two cent yearly increases just aren’t working,” said Postmaster General Patrick Donahoe. “We can never expect the system to survive with such ridiculously low postage fees,” he added. “Finally, this is the kind of increase that will help us get our heads above water once again.” The new fees go into effect on December 1st. A book of 20 First Class stamps will now cost $880. According to Donahoe, customers will be able to use charge cards at the postal window or they may opt to pay in cash. Local residents were quick to comment on the drastic price increases. “I understand the need for an increase,” said Harvey Dennison, a resident of Pasadena California, “but this may be a bit over the top.” Shaniqua Walters of Madison WIsconson was quick to point out the dramatic effects the price increases will have on her family. “There ain’t know way I will be able to ever mail anything again” Ain’t nobody from my hood be liken this one damn bit.” President Obama is set to enforce the new prices as necessary.
With the recent events unfolding at Penn State University involving former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky, the Muscular Dystrophy Association has announced it will stop using the term “Jerry’s Kids” in all its advertising, effective immediately.
MDA head Joseph Deal said, “With the news coming out of Happy Valley regarding the Grand Jury Indictment of former Assistant Coach Jerry Sandusky and his alleged molestation of a number of young boys, we thought it best to stop using the reference to “Jerry’s Kids” we have been using in our Telethon’s for so many years.” We feel strongly that it is our organization’s best interest to avoid any confusion with what’s going on at PSU and our fund raising efforts,” he added. “We’ve talked it over with Mr. Lewis, and he’s in agreement.”
Harland Q. Milligan of Delbar Mississippi passed away yesterday and with him went a now bygone era of American History. Milligan was recognized as the “last true racist” in America. Milligan was born the son of a sharecropper in Biloxi Mississippi in 1919, he was a high school dropout who ended up working at the local textile mill and eventually rose to the position of General Manager of Ronson Enterprises. He joined the KKK In 1937 at the age of 18 and became the Grand Wizard of the Mississippi Klan at the age of 33.
Milligan was an avowed racist right up until his death and was known to be the last living member of the Eastern Mississippi Knights. He was a proud man who wore his beliefs on his shirtsleeve.” said his daughter Mary. “He wasn’t afraid to call a N*gger a N*gger and wanted confrontation with his opponents.” Milligan will be interred in the Mount Airy cemetery in Lantsburg this Saturday. Contributions in memory of Mr. Milligan should be sent to the Eastern Mississippi Knights of the Ku Klux Klan in his name.