North Pole Resident Iced
In a bizarre and deadly twist, a North Side man, Edmund Hillary of Drey Street, shot and killed his wife and Santa Claus, as they were kissing underneath the mistletoe last night. Hillary then turned the gun on himself. Police received the 911 call from the couple’s distraught 12 year old daughter and arrived on the scene within minutes. According to the child, the naughty affair between her mother and Santa had been going on for a number of years. “Every year on Christmas Eve I would hide on the steps and watch my mother kiss Santa underneath the mistletoe, in our living room,” she is quoted as saying. “This year, quite unexpectedly, daddy came home early and saw what was going on.” “Before I could stop him he pulled out this gun and shot them both,” said the girl.
“It looks like a tragic love triangle gone bad,” said Sargent Louis Anderson. “It’s truly a shame.” “Now we are going to have to find somebody to pass out the rest of these toys and take care of the reindeer.” Anderson added, “then the worst part will be having to call up to the North Pole and give the news to Mrs. Claus and all the elves.” “I’m pretty sure Christmas won’t ever be the same.”
Suspicious Passanger Arrested at Heathrow
Security guards at Heathrow Airport in London arrested a man identified as Eustache Dauger, a French National, when he attempted to board a plane bound for Paris while wearing a large iron mask. The mask had only two eye slits, a small opening near the mouth and was attached to Dauger’s head with a large 17th Century style padlock.
Daugher was stopped as he attempted to board the plane and taken to a security office at the airport for further questioning. Witnesses in the area at the time of the incident, said they overheard Daugher telling the security agents that he was headed for the Bastille in Paris. The airport was shut down for nearly an hour until clearance was given to continue normal operations.
In a bit of a surprise following the death of long time leader Kim Jong Il, his pet poodle Max has taken over running the country. In a secret memo circulated within the ruling hierarchy of the Korean government, Jong Il directed that this favorite pet succeed him upon his death. Sources close to the situation leaked a portion of the memo in which Jong Il is quoted as saying, “Our citizenery is dumb as fu*k and would probably follow a can of beans if I told them to.” “Therefore I am declaring that upon my death, Max, my favorite pet, shall be my successor.” Apparently, the edict did not sit will with Kim’s son (and supposed heir) Kim Jopng-un, who was seen shouting obscenities at his father’s top advisors. The new ruler will be known as the “Great Animal” and has promised to share his food with his starving subjects. “We are so happy for this,” exclaimed farmer Lee duc-to. “We will be eating so much better in the future.”
Can Somebody Take Me To The Bathroom?
Former Senator and Presidential Candidate, Bob Dole, announced his endorsement of Warren G. Harding for the Republican Party nomination for President in 2012. According to the Director of the Russell, Kansas Senior Home, John Mills, the former Senator awoke from his mid-afternoon nap and went over to the Rec Hall, where a bingo game was in progress, grabbed the microphone and announced his support for Harding over the public address system. “Bob is a bit erratic these days,” said Mills. “He occasionally forgets things like what year it is, who the President is, or even who is alive or dead.” “We were caught a little off guard by his sudden actions.” “In fact so much so that when he interrupted bingo, we weren’t able to stop Irene and Edna from whacking him over the head with their purses.” “From now on, we are going to increase his medicines to try to tone down his acting out,” added Mills. “It’s for his own safety and the safety of the other residents,” he said.
Alf and Ralph to Build Allah's Newest Home
In a bit of a surprising development, Muslim leaders in New York City have selected a brother and sister team of carpenters to build a controversial new mosque located near Ground Zero. After considering hundreds of applicants from around the country, New York’s Muslim Council selected Monroe Brothers LLC to construct the structure in Manhattan.
The Monroe Brothers are said to have a great deal of experience in construction and in working on non-traditional projects such as” the Douglas’ Bedroom Closet and other major home improvement projects throughout Hooterville.
“We were very lucky to get these two,” said Abul el Marcawe, spokesman for the New York Muslim Council. “The are a talented and hardworking team,” he added. “We expect them to build us the greatest Mosque in the world.
It appears as though a moronic blogger keeps attempting to create humorous headlines on his blog with the goal of attracting readers. The blogger, posting under the name Satire 24/7, apparently has been coming up with some questionable post titles in order to drum up readership on his pathetic blog. This is another example of why the government needs to have tighter control over the internet. Someone need to put their foot down on behavior like this, especially when it’s not funny or clever in the least. A lot of brain cells are being wasted in this effort by all parties involved and it needs to stop. Uncreative and non-humorous writing in the blog-o-sphere needs to be controlled by government mandate it necessary. If you read back on this writers past posts, you will quickly see what I mean. Nothing even remotely funny or clever has ever been posted on the web site, itsallsatire247.wordpress.com No sense wasting your time and energy looking for anything worth reading. Your time would be much better spent reading The Onion or some other mainstream website. I would hope that the author would do us all a favor and just QUIT!