To the Victor Go the Spoils

In an effort to settle their ever-increasing disagreements, and personal hatred for one another, and to help settle the Republican nomination for the upcoming election, Republican Presidential Candidates Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney have agreed to meet in Weehawken, New Jersey on July 11th, 2012, the famous duel‘s 212th anniversary, to have a duel of their own. 

The two candidates have agreed to use pistols similar to the ones used by Hamilton and Burr and to follow the rules in effect in the 1804 duel.  The goal according to the candidates will be to whittle the field to one in order to make the candidate selection process easier.  Ron Paul has agreed to referee the duel. 

“You have to admire the dedication of these two men,” said Thomas Lawson, a Gingrich spokesman.  “Not many candidates are willing to take it to the next level, like these two,” he added. 



In an effort to settle out of court with the alleged victims of  the Jerry Sandusky scandal,  the Penn State Board of Trustees has offered each person a pair of season tickets to the 2012 football season.   “We think this is immensely fair,” said board member June Lookhart.  “These tickets are at a premium and could easily fetch well over $200 out there on the market.”   “These are gold, pure gold,”  she added. 

According to PSU sources, the tickets will include free parking, admission to the game,  a meet and great with the coaching staff and use of the locker and shower facilities.


Training Hard and Long

Recently convicted killer, Joran van der Sloot,  indicated through his attorney that he plans on beginning a strict training regimen for the 2038 Olympics to be held in Lima, Peru.  Van der Sloot, who begins his 28 year prison term for murder, says he will ask his Peruvian jailers for some weights, a weighted vest and shot put so he can “hit the ground running,”  now that his sentence has been announced.  “I was hoping to be able to participate in the 2024 Games but, I guess the judge had a different idea,” said van der Sloot.  “Since I will have a lot of time on my hands, I’m going to work hard on achieving this goal.”   “I plan on winning the gold and maybe hooking up with a nice girl and retire on a beach somewhere,” he said. 


In a dramatic move never before attempted by a U.S. President, Barack Obama used his power to appoint Tim Tebow into the NFL Hall of Fame.  The recess appointment was announced by presidential press secretary, Jay Carney, at his daily press briefing earlier today.  Carney made the announcement at the end of the press conference, much to the surprise of the reporters in attendance.  According to Carney, the President has a great fondness for the Bronco Quarterback and was quite excited by his performance on Sunday against the Pittsburgh Steelers.  Carney said, “The President is a big football fan and is quite enamored by the quarterback and his recent heroics.”  “Mr Obama wanted to make sure that Tebow got in to the hall and figured this was the best way to make that happen.” 

In doing so, Tebow will now become the first active player inducted in to the hall.  The induction ceremony will be held in August, at which time Tebow’s bust will be unveiled in it’s place of honor in Canton.   Tebow’s coach John Fox has already stated that he will allow Tebow to be excused from training camp to attend the ceremony.  “We’re really happy for Tim and the fact that he will be inducted at such a young age representing our team and our fans,” said Fox.  “We’re going to need him back at practice pretty quick after the ceremony to get ready for our exhibition game agains the Falcons.”



On The Road to China

Reports out of Hollywood are saying that Chinese Billionaire, Quan Duc Tuo has purchased the world renowned Hollywood Walk of Fame and is planning to move it to Peking in the spring.  Duc Tuo, who made his wealth in the shipping industry has long been a fan of everything Hollywood.  Hollywood mayor Mary Otis says that she along with the majority of Hollywoodites are “extremely disappointed and outraged,” by these recent events.  “I just can’t believe it is happening,” she says.  “It’s hitting us all like a ton of bricks right now.”   Representatives of Duc Tuo have indicated that the billionaire is preparing to hire a construction company to remove the entire Walk and begin transporting it to China as soon as possible.  Otis has indicated that she and the city’s council are preparing a contingency plan to replace the Walk of Fame, with something even better.  Unnamed sources close to the situation are hinting that the mayor favors moving some famous graves into the holes left by the Walk’s removal.  “We believe this idea could be a winner,” said the source.  “Imagine if we could move a bunch of dead celebrities there, that would be really cool.”