NHL CELEBRATES 1000th CONCUSSION

Hockey's Soupy Brains

The NHL celebrated its 1000th concussion tonight in the game between the Washington Capitals and the New York Islanders.  The historic event occurred about mid-way into the third period when Capitals star Alex Ovechkin collided with   Islander Forward Matt Martin propelling him into the boards head first.  As a groggy Martin staggered to his feet, the crowd roared it’s approval when the record was displayed on the Univision Jumbotron at the Capitals Arena.  For their participation in the historic event, both players will be taken to Disneyland on a trip sponsored by the League. “This is one I will be able to tell my grand-kids I was around for,” said Caps fan, Donald Carter.  “”It’s like being there for Wilt’s 100 point game or the Cal Ripkin’s record breaking games streak.”  “This was really a memorable night,” he added.

The NHL has requested Martin’s still bloody helmet, in order to display it at the NHL Hall of Fame.  According to the NHL’s  Head of Hockey Discipline, Brenden Shanahan, the record  will just be the first of many milestones the league will achieve this season.  “Next up on our list will be the 10,000 undisclosed injury. ”  “We expect that to happen sometime in late March, ” he noted.  According to a League spokesman, “this was one whale of a year for records being broken,”  he added.  “We expect many more to fall very shortly.”

Advertisements

DRUNKEN HUSBAND TRIES TO SNEAK INTO BED, FORGETS HE’S STILL IN CAR

This Won't Work

Local resident,  L. P. Gasse was arrested at his home yesterday when he attempted to enter his bedroom window while still inside his car.  “Evidently, Mr. Gasse was intoxicated and attempted to enter his home and was unaware he was still behind the wheel of his car,” said Patrolman Andrew Lisken.  Lisken, was the first officer on the scene and found Mr. Gasse, trying to get out of his automobile, which came to rest underneath his bedroom window. 

Gasse’s wife said that this wasn’t the first time her husband attempted to sneak into his house but, he had never attempted to drive in before.  Gasse was taken to the Emmelton Police Station for processing and according to Patrolman Lisken, would be allowed to sleep it off.  He will be charged with drunk driving and numerous other vehicular offenses.

ITALIAN EPA TELLS VATICAN: NO MORE SMOKE

No More Smoke

The Italian Environmental Agency has notified the Vatican that it is no longer permitted to discharge any smoke into the atmosphere when announcing the election of a new Pope.  For over a hundred years, the Vatican electors have  emitted black smoke from its central chimney inside the Sistine Chapel, in order  to send the message to the faithful that no selection has yet been made.  Later, as a new Pontiff is chosen the smoke is changed to white and the world knows a new Cardinal has been elevated.  According to the new edict the Holy See will not be permitted to fire up the smoke because of stricter anti-pollution laws within the confines of The Vatican.   Spokesman for the Church, Cardinal Jozeph Nitche said in a prepared statement, “We are shocked and saddened that the government has attempted to step on the traditions of the church in such a blatant way.”   “The College of Cardinals and the Holy Father are deeply saddened by these developments.” 

Guisueppi Girbaldi, head of the IEA said, “though we understand the position of the church in this matter, we must enforce the laws of the state in regards to the pollution of our air.”   “We can not allow the church to violate government ordinances in this way.” 

It is expected that the church will have to find a new method to announce the election of a Pope.  “Perhaps, we will release doves, shoot off a cannon,  or have a plane fly around with the message in tow.”  “We are not happy but, we intend to comply with the law,” said Cardinal Nitche. 

CULT CHOSES TO LIVE LIVES IN BLACK AND WHITE

Color, Who Needs It?

A newly discovered cult, known as the BW’s,  which is headquartered in Kansas, believes that color has no place in American Life and as a result, has removed it from their lives entirely.  It is believed the cult is using some type of unidentified spray to eliminate all vestiges of color in their community.  “It’s quite remarkable but, these people have somehow stumbled on a way to wash out all colors except for black and white,” noted Steven Wonder, Mayor of nearby Hale Falls.  Cult members refuse to comment on the process or even acknowledge that it exists but, evidence suggests it involves the use of an aerosol of some type.   Government investigators are to visit the community on Monday to attempt to speak with the cult’s leader, known only as Koresh.  Thus far, attempts at communicating with the compound have been unsuccessful. 

RESIDENTS NEAR JAPANESE NUCLEAR DISASTER: “WE ARE NOT HAVING ANY SYMPTOMS”

Japanese Reactor Neighbors Deny Any Effects

Residents living near the Fukushima nuclear plant in Japan have denied reports that they are experiencing noticeable symptoms as a result of the leaking radiation from the nearby reactor.  “We really don’t have any visible reactions to the radiation,” said Sako Nagawa, a resident whose home is within sight of the reactor.  “My friends and I have been keeping an eye on each other and so far we are fine,” she added.  “It’s a lot of fuss around here for nothing and it’s bad for business,” noted Nakmo Kahua, who owns a Tea House two blocks away from the plant’s front gate.  “Everything here pretty much back to normal.”  “Besides if any of us saw something out of the ordinary we would report it,” she added.

REPUBLICANS FIND WAY AROUND HIGH GAS PRICES

GOPeddler

Republicans in Congress have found a way around the high gas prices in the DC area.   The four-wheeled device , called the GOPeddler, requires some peddling but, it could to be a great cost saver as members move around the capital.  “Not only will this move us around at a great cost savings to the American Taxpayer but, it will also demonstrate the problems caused by President Obama’s Administration in relation to gas prices,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.  “When the American people see to what lengths we’ve had to go to save money and avoid the highest gas prices in U.S. History, there is no way they will vote to reelect the president,” he added.  McConnell noted that his party has ordered enough of the devices for every Republican Senator and believes his counterpart in the House of Representatives, Eric Cantor, will be doing the same.  It is estimated that the GOPeddler will save over a million dollars per year.

BLACK HISTORY MONTH MOVING

3 More Days to Party

By presidential edict, President Obama has decreed that beginning in 2013 Black History Month will be celebrated in March instead of February.  When asked why the change was necessary the President’s Press Secretary, Jay Carney,  indicated that Mr. Obama felt that having the holiday in February, with only 28 days was not enough time to honor the contributions of black folks.  “We want a month with the full compliment of 31 days so we don’t get cheated anymore,” said the President.  “”A lot of black folks just felt that the added three days would allow more time to celebrate our achievements,” he added.  In a related move the White House also announced that St. Patrick’s Day would be moved to January 17th, to avoid Catholic Americans from having to worry about giving up alcohol for the holiday, which occasionally fell during the Lenten Season.  “Now those damn Irish Catholics can drink till they drop and won’t  have to worry about Lent interfering,”  said Obama.  “We’re dedicating this one to good old Teddy.”