TED NUGENT ENLISTS IN THE MARINES

Jarhead Ted

After receiving a tremendous amount of criticism for his alleged efforts to avoid serving in Vietnam, rocker Ted Nugent has decided to enlist in the U. S. Marines.   When asked about the reasons behind his decision, Nugent told reporters that, “I’m sick and tired of reading in the press how I bailed out of my responsibility to serve in Vietnam.”  ” It’s all a bunch of BS, I made up 40 years ago in an interview with a Detroit tabloid.”    “The fact-finding web site, Snopes, has even come out with information that the whole story can’t be determined,” he added.  “As a result and in order to prove my dedication to my country, I’ve decided to enlist in the Marines.”  Nugent is expected to arrive in Camp Lejune in May to begin basic training.  “It doesn’t matter that I’m 64 years old,” he added.  ” I’m going to show those mothers that I got what it takes.”

ROMNEY PROMISES “VANILLA REVOLUTION” IF ELECTED

PLAIN STUFF FOR AMERICA

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee, Mitt Romney, promised his followers a “Vanilla Revolution” if he were to win the White House in November.  Romney’s speech in front of an enthusiastic crowd of supporters, drew huge cheers when he promised his administration will remove the “black cloud” that has been forming over the country the past four years.  Romney appears to be making the idea of a “vanilla revolution”  a major focus of his campaign strategy.  “It’s time somebody stood for plain folks and plain things,” said Romney supporter,  Harlin  A. Smith, of Point Bluff, Minnesota.   “To many of these damn politicians are promising us all this fancy stuff, when all we want are the basics,” added Smith’s wife Thelma.  “If you can tell anything about Mitt, it’s that he’s a plain guy with a plain plan for the plain folks,” said Jeff Davis, of Indian Falls, Oklahoma

Romney has indicated that if elected he will tone down all the fancy stuff that’s going on in the White House.  According to Romney spokesman, Alan K. Ryerson, “Our guy is going to be the least flashy President since Calvin Coolidge.”  “Our polls show that this is what American’s want, plainness and nothing more and we’re going to give it to them,” he said. 

STUDY FINDS THAT AFRICAN AMERICAN TROUBLES CAUSED BY REALLY BAD NAME CHOICES

You Tell Me

A three year study by the National Research Data Institute has found that many of the problems African Americans are facing in 21st Century America are the result of really bad name selections.  The study was able to find a connection among higher rates of crime, teenage pregnancyjoblessnessdomestic violence and the strange first names given to many children over the past 40 years.  “We did a thorough, in-depth study of why so many blacks are struggling despite being given every type of opportunity to be successful and we found the common denominator to be strongly associated with their unusual name selections,” said Rod King, Director of the Research Team.  “We began to find a pattern beginning around 1980, where the difficulties of many blacks in fitting into American Culture began to increase significantly,” he added.  “Coincidentally, this is exactly the same time frame when we saw a large increase in African-Americans switching from giving their children names like Joe, Ricky, Roy, Mary, Elizabeth and the like, to names like Shenquia, Shantina, Taquina, Darquell, Travonte and Antiquon.”   “We have determined that as a result, many of these children feel stereotyped and compelled to act out in ways that previous generations never did.”   “There is something to be said for the pressure of trying to live up to an unusual name,” said De-Andre Jefferson, Assistant Director of the research project.   “It’s much easier to fit in if your name is John, Bill or Sue,” he said.  “It’s a lot tougher not to become a trouble maker when your name implies it,” said Jefferson. 

“I ain’t buying it,” said Rontelle Johnson.  “It’s a bunch of nonsense,” added DeShoney Washington.”   “It ain’t no fo-shizzle on da bo-rizzle.” 

MAN AWAKENED FROM AMERICAN DREAM BY NEIGHBOR’S DOG

American Dream

A Minneapolis man recently awakened by the barking of his neighbor’s dog, found himself no longer able to go back to sleep and dream of wealth, happiness and prosperity.  “It’s really a shame,”  said Michael Dura.  “”I was in a deep sleep and dreaming about being on my yacht in the Caribbean, surrounded by beautiful women, when that damn hound started yapping and blew it all up.”  “I’ve tried a dozen times to get back to sleep and redial that scene in my head but, it just won’t come back,” he added.  I’m really honked off and the next time I see Bill, my neighbor, I’m going to let him know about it.”   “It’s not right that I have to deal with reality like this.”  Dura says he plans to keep trying to regain the dream despite the difficulty

STANLEY CUP FINALS TO FEATURE FAN CONCUSSION CONTEST

Loopy

This year’s Stanley Cup Finals will feature a fan concussion contest between every period.   As part of the contest,  fans will be selected to come down onto  the ice and take a head shot from one of the home team’s biggest players.  “This experience will give our fans a taste of what it feels like to get hit in the head just like their favorite players,” announced league commissioner Gary Bettman.  “We are hoping it becomes the ultimate fan experience by giving the ticket holder a true game sensation,” he added. 

According to sources,  the rules will allow  fans to decide it they wish to wear a helmet or not and they will have the option of selecting the player they want to give them the hit.   NHL spokesman,  David Marshall, told reporters that fans will vie for prizes and those able to walk off the ice will be rewarded with game tickets and other fan fun giveaways.  “We’re even thinking of bringing each team’s champion to league headquarters for a playoff,” he continued.  According to reports, fans unable to leave the ice without help will be treated to gift certificates to the team store.  “We hope to have a champion “Crowned” by the end of the Finals, and, as an added bonus, we will be allowing our fans at home to call in and vote for their favorite concussed patron.”   “It should be exciting.”

HLN ANCHOR BREAKS COMPANY RECORD

HLN “news” anchor Vinnie Politan broke a longstanding company record yesterday when he was able to go a full three minutes without uttering the phrase, “breaking news.” .  The previous record was held by Susan Hendricks, who managed to go two minutes and thirty-six seconds without using that term.  It is expected that Politan will be suspended for this most grievous error.

ZIMMERMAN ASKED TO HEAD PRISON WATCH GROUP

Cell Block D Watch Captain

George Zimmerman,  a recently arrested Florida man, has been asked to head up the Sanford Prison’s Cell Block  D, watch group.  According to prison spokesman Justin Leeman, Zimmerman, who has been accused of shooting Trayvon Martin, a black youth, who was walking around in  Zimmerman’s neighborhood, was asked because of his experience as a neighborhood watch Captain in Sanford.  “There is no question George is the right man for the job,” said Helen Waite, Sanford Prison’s Director of PR.  “We are going to give him an orange vest and flashlight and let him keep an  eye on the entire cell block,” she added.  “However, we’ve instructed him not to follow any inmates or to confront anyone.”  ” All he has to do is ring the bell we gave him if he sees anything suspicious going on.”