After 42 years of searching, 77 year old Victor Aller, finally found his Mojo in a most unusual place. “I’ve been looking for it for a very long time,” he said. “I can’t tell you how many times I tore the house apart but could never find it.” Aller commented that he began to believe he may have lost it somewhere in Europe on his tenth anniversary, which was spent traveling through France, Italy and Germany. I was certain the damn thing was on some beach in France, or a restaurant in Germany,” he added. Aller’s wife Betty, was very excited upon hearing the news. “It’s been a tough 42 years living with a man without his Mojo, I can tell you that,” she lamented. “There were some pretty dark times when he just couldn’t get it together.” “I couldn’t believe it was in that old Denture cup that was in the back of the bathroom vanity all these years.”
Aller isn’t quite sure what he is going to do now that his Mojo is back. “I’ll just probably check out a few singles bars to test it out,” he said.
We’re All Democrats Now
The Obama re-election committee has launched a new series of ads which promote dead veterans who support his re-election in 2012. “The committee came up with this angle and we believe it’s something new” said Felix Flatt, assistant director of the committee to re-elect Obama. “We are pretty confident that this is a group that will go almost 100% to our man in the upcoming November General Election,” he added. According to the Washington Mirror, Obama’s popularity among dead veterans is expected to peak by election day and it may help him collect some votes in critical states. Flatt continued, “We are planning to move forward with some other strategies including; preschoolers for Obama, Kenyan’s for Obama, the aborted for Obama and the unborn for Obama.” “The President has a way of reaching beyond the limits of this mortal world and into the spirit world,” added Flatt. “We are confident that, these largely untapped sources will give us the edge we need to win in November.”
J. C. Volts, a deaf mute from Pittsburgh was shot in the stomach, in the city’s Garfield neighborhood after inadvertently using gang signals instead of sign language. Volts was supposedly being schooled in sign language by his neighbor Kayshawann Jefferson. It has come to light that Jefferson, a known gang member, was living in the same apartment building as Volts and had offered to teach him to sign for $50. Volts apparently gave Jefferson the money and began to learn what he believed to be American Sign Language for the Deaf. Instead, Jefferson allegedly decided to take a shortcut in his instruction, and instead was teaching Volts a fast form of gang street signals. “I thought he was teaching me things like, “hello how are you,” and “thanks for your help,” but, instead he was teaching me phrases like, “f*ck you you motherf*cker,” “I going to cap your sorry a*s,” and “I’m turning you in to the cops.” Volts was shot as he stood on the steps of his apartment building practicing his newly learned signs.
A Muslim man was beheaded yesterday for using his pet goat’s sleeping mat as a prayer rug. Abdulla en-Salaam, a 34 year old clerk from Islamabad was arrested by local authorities on Monday during mid-day prayers. Salaam was quickly charged with blasphemy and sentenced to death. The sentence was carried out early Thursday morning.
The New Voice Champion
In a surprise fan vote, the winner of this year’s edition of The Voice, was none other than James Earl Jones. Jones, famous for being the voice behind Darth Vadar, in the Star Wars Trilogy, won in fan voting by a wide margin. When contacted at his home in Pasadena, Jones admitted his surprise. “I was just as shocked as everyone else to be declared the winner of The Voice,” said Jones. “Seeing as how I didn’t even enter the competition.” “But, it’s nice to know that fans still appreciate my work,” he added. Jones, who hasn’t worked outside of the theater in recent years will receive the first place prize of $100,000 and a recording contract.
Tastes Like Chicken?
An investigative report by a local Kentucky TV station has uncovered information that the largest selling item at the concession stands at Churchill Downs for the last three years has been , none other than, horse meat! The shocking revelation came to light on the 7:00 PM newscast on WPNY channel 37 in Louisville, shortly after the race today. “I can’t believe it,” says longtime race attendee, Wilbur Post. “All this time I thought it was beef,” he added. According to reporter, Ima Gelding, there appears to be a conspiracy to increase track profits by recycling some of the older training horses. According to Gelding’s report, when one of the track horses died or had to be put down, the body was taken to a special barn for processing. “I know it must be frightening for those who consumed these “mystery burgers,” to find out they may have been tasting a descendent of Secretariat or Seattle Slew, rather that one of Farmer Johnson’s prized heifers.”