NORTH KOREAN MISSILE PHOTOS PROVE TO BE FAKE

Missiles? Nope.

U.S. State Department officials have identified photos previously believed to be of North Korean missiles in their silos, as being forgeries.  “Upon further analysis, we have come to the realization that the photos we originally believed to be of North Korean Ballistic missiles in their silos, are in fact photo shopped pictures of lipstick containers,” announced Wiley Knapp, assistant head of State Department counter intelligence.   “Originally, we were fooled into believing that our spy drones captured a group of North Korean missiles preparing to launch,”  he added.  “It’s not too often we get fooled like this and we are a bit red-faced by it all,” said Knapp. 

Initial analysis indicated a problem and as a result an alert was sent out to all U.S. forces in South Korea and the Sixth Fleet , stationed in the Sea of Japan, according to sources in the Pentagon.  U.S. Fighter jets were scrambled but, were called back immediately upon realizing the error,”  said Timothy Dalton, Pentagon spokesman. 

SANDUSKY GUILTY: VOWS RETURN TO COACHING

Community Service ?

Recently convicted child molester Jerry Sandusky promised his supporters that he will return to coaching “once this little misunderstanding is cleared up.”  Sandusky was convicted on 45 of 48 of child molestation on Friday.  Sandusky let it be known through his attorney Joe Amendola, that he has no intention of  giving up and in fact, plans on coaching this fall.   “Jerry wants everyone to know that he plans on being on the sidelines this fall,” said Amendola.  “He’s being very optimistic in hopes that this mess will all get cleared up,” said the attorney.  “Jerry is fairly certain this whole thing can still be resolved to everyone’s mutual satisfaction,” he added.

According to reports, Jerry Sandusky will be taken to the Center County Jail to await his sentencing.  The prosecution is asking for the full sentence of 500 plus years while, Sandusky’s attorneys are hoping for community service. 

DALLAS FAMILY EMERGES FROM WITNESS PROTECTION

Back into the Light

The Ewing Family, long believed dead, have recently resurfaced from the protective custody of the U.S. Marshall‘s Witness Protection Program.  The family members went into hiding back in 1991 after several unsuccessful attempts to murder them.  The family patriarch, J.R. Ewing, despite being shot many years ago, was the first to speak to the press about their decision to come out of hiding.  Ewing told a reporter from the Dallas Times Herald, “We’ve been hiding for a long time on the advice of the Marshall Service and we just got tired of being on the run.”  “Besides, all of our bitter enemies have died off and we figured it wouldn’t ever be safer than it is now,” he added.  J. R.’s brother Bobby, himself also shot at one point, said that he is glad they are finally free and able to go back to Southfork.  “That ranch is home to all of us.”  “That’s where we belong and that’s where I want to be,” he commented.    “The only regret I have is that mom and dad didn’t live to see this day,” he added.   Apparently, Jock Ewing and his wife Ellie passed away while in hiding,several years ago.  Ewing’s vivacious niece, Lucy, looking quite fit and trim, was also at the press conference and added her feelings about the family’s new-found freedom.  “It’s really a big relief to come out of hiding after so many years.”  “I just couldn’t take living in that small town in Idaho any longer.”  “I was nearly at wit’s end.”   “Besides, some of the locals were beginning to get wise to the fact that we weren’t Amish from Pennsylvania,” she added.  “That ruse was getting pretty old.”  It appears the family were living under the pseudonyms, Larry Hagman, Patrick Duffy and Charlene Tilton  while in hiding.

The Ewings are expected to retake ownership of the Southfork Ranch in the very near future and plan on moving back in as soon as possible. 

SCOTT WALKER SURVIVES RECALL OF HIS CAR

In an unusual coincidence , Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker was notified by mail yesterday that his 2011 Chevy Volt was being recalled.  The recall is in regards to computer that was supposed to last four years but, has been recalled after serving  for only two. 
 Chevrolet has denied any prior knowledge of mechanical problems with its market leading electric car.  Walker indicated to reporters that he was a bit surprised at the recall but , when questioned by reporters, indicated that he would fully comply with the recall.  “I hope the people of Wisconsin who own these cars will join me in my quest to comply with this recall,” he added.  The recall is being opposed by union workers in Wisconsin who claim that the recall does not go far enough. 

GREEN LANTERN AIDS SCARE

Reports are swirling around the Marvel Universe that the recently outed superhero Green Lantern may have contracted AIDS.  In a recent statement released on his Facebook account, Green Lantern admitted to being concerned for his health after receiving information from his doctor that he may have contracted the AIDS virus.  “I am quite concerned about him,” said fellow superhero, Flash.  “I may have to run around the Earth at supersonic speed in order to get time to reverse itself and then maybe I could go back and warn him to keep his tool in the toolbox and not take any trips down that ole dirt road,” he added.    ” I hope he knows we all love him and will do our best to keep him alive,” announced Aquaman.  Justice League head, Bruce Wayne announced his will donate 10 million dollars to AIDS research.