NORTH KOREAN TEAM ANGERED OVER FLAG INCIDENT GOES ON HUNGER STRIKE

Hungry for Attention

The North Korean Olympic Team is showing its’ displeasure with their British hosts over an incident in which the flag of South Korea was inadvertently flown when the North Korean women’s volleyball team took the court in a preliminary match.  “The North Koreans are refusing to eat anything,” said Joshua Litmann, associate head of the British Olympic Organizing Committee.   “We’ve offered them meals throughout each day but, they are refusing to eat,” he added. 

Some organizers are not concerned and have stated that the North Koreans not having any food for days is much like their conditions back home.  “There isn’t any need to worry,” said David Stockdell, Committee Co-Chairman.  “Back home they don’t eat for days or a week, so this should be no big deal,” he chimed. 

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PENN STATE QUIETLY REMOVES SANDUSKY STATUE

 

Statue Removed

While all the fanfare and publicity was focused on the removal of the Joe Paterno statue in front of Beaver Stadium, the Jerry Sandusky statue in the Penn State Locker Room was quietly removed as well.  “Not many people outside the athletic department were aware this statue was here,” said Jim Patterson, PSU Athletic spokesman.  “We decided it was in the best interest of the university to have this statue removed as well,” he added.  It’s been in the locker room since Jerry retired.” 

PATERNO STATUE TO BE INCARCERATED

Make That One Orange Jumpsuit to Go Please

The controversy over the statue of the late Penn State coach Joe Paterno took an interesting turn today as it was announced by the  University that the statue will be placed in the Pennsylvania State Prison facility at Huntington PA.  According to sources close to the situation,  PA Governor Tom Corbett and officials of the university met for two hours yesterday and hammered out an agreement whereby Paterno’s Statue will spend three years in prison for Paterno’s failure to report the predatory activities of former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky.  “We feel it’s a pretty good compromise,” said John Blackmund, a spokesman for the governor’s office in Harrisburg.  “Since the Freeh report came out and we became aware of JoePa’s role in the Sandusky situation and since Joe was dead and obviously wouldn’t be doing any time, we decided that someone (or something) had to pay for his inaction,” he added.  “As a result we felt in the interest of fairness, Joe’s likeness was the closest thing we had available to do some hard time.”  According to the statue’s attorney, Jason Klepp, the statue will be eligible for parole after serving 30 months.

NFL ORDERS PLAYERS TO COMPLETE OFF SEASON CRIMES BEFORE TRAINING CAMP OPENS

In an Email sent to its’  players association, the NFL has ordered that any players planning on committing  crimes do so before the start of training camp.  “We want to be sure that our players are focused on having a successful training camp and therefore we are requiring that all crimes they plan on committing be committed prior to the first day of camp,” said Larry Ingols, NFL assistant director of player services.  “This would include, bar fights, domestic abuse, DWI, DUI, disorderly conduct or whatever.”  “in other words, pretty much everything,” he added. 

” We’ve had some distractions in prior years during our camps and we want to avoid that from here on out, so we are issuing a notice up front to our players that we want all this stuff cleaned up before they come in,” remarked Ingols.  The players association has indicated its willingness to cooperate.  “We want to do everything to clean up our image,” said Ronnie Langston, association spokesman.  The NFL has a history of players not staying on the right side of the law.

OLYMPIC COMMITTEE DECIDES TO MOVE GAMES TO IRAQ

Back up the moving vans

In a shocking last-minute decision the International Olympic Committee has decided to move the 2012 Summer Games from London to Baghad for security reasons.   According to the IOC Director Johnathan LaGarage the games are moving as a precaution because of terror threats in London.  “We realize this is a bit late into the process but, we felt it would be much safer in Iraq due to the large amount of U.S. forces stationed there,” he said.  “Sometimes tough decisions have to be made and after all, the welfare of our athletes is the most important consideration,” he added. 

“I’m sure the British will be pissed for a while but, eventually they will get over it and come to realize it is in everyone’s best interest.” 

Director of the British Olympic Committee, Sir Issac Dale was quoted as saying,  ” What a fucking cheap ass move to pull at the last minute.”  “What the hell are we supposed to do with all these facilities we built.”  “Who the hell is going to compensate us for our losses,” he asked. 

Meanwhile, U.S. Forces in Iraq were seen cleaning up the local playgrounds, tennis courts and gyms in Baghad in preparation.