America’s Old/New President?

A secret memo allegedly leaked from top sources within the democratic party indicates that some members of the party’s hierarchy favor drafting former president Jimmy Carter to replace Barack Obama as the party’s nominee.   “If this is true it would be a shocking development,” said NBC reporter John Mansin.  “It would perhaps be the biggest surprise in the history of party conventions,”  he added.  According to sources within the party leadership, Obama has no chance of winning reelection and as a result, they are looking for someone to unite the party and generate some major excitement.”   According to delegate, Anthony Quail, the party will be in big trouble if Obama is the candidate.  “He (Obama) has no record to run on and will probably be defeated in a landslide,” he said.  “I don’t think we’ve ever put up an incumbent with this poor of a record and background,” Quail added.   If Obama gets the nomination, we are going to go down to a worse defeat than Custer,” he lamented.  ” Al least with Carter, we’ll have some instant name recognition and experience.”  Not to mention his being viewed by many as a statesman.”  Hopefully, most folks will be too young to remember (or will have forgotten) how lousy of a president he was.”    The 87 year old Carter would be the oldest person ever elected, should he get the nomination and be elected.  He would also be only the second president to have his terms split.  The first being Grover Cleveland.  Neither Carter or Obama had any comment on the story.



In an Email sent to its’  players association, the NFL has ordered that any players planning on committing  crimes do so before the start of training camp.  “We want to be sure that our players are focused on having a successful training camp and therefore we are requiring that all crimes they plan on committing be committed prior to the first day of camp,” said Larry Ingols, NFL assistant director of player services.  “This would include, bar fights, domestic abuse, DWI, DUI, disorderly conduct or whatever.”  “in other words, pretty much everything,” he added. 

” We’ve had some distractions in prior years during our camps and we want to avoid that from here on out, so we are issuing a notice up front to our players that we want all this stuff cleaned up before they come in,” remarked Ingols.  The players association has indicated its willingness to cooperate.  “We want to do everything to clean up our image,” said Ronnie Langston, association spokesman.  The NFL has a history of players not staying on the right side of the law.


Taking Care of Business

Reports out of Tampa say that a group of Republican Delegates stoned one of their own.  According to sources, the man who headed the committee that selected Tampa, Florida as the 2012 Republican Convention Site, James Van Horne, was surrounded by about 25 delegates as he attempted to enter the  convention site.  Reports state that the mob began to throw stones at him, hitting him numerous times before police intervened.   Apparently, the delegates were angered by Van Horne’s choice of Tampa during hurricane season as the site for the Republican National Convention.  As hurricane Isaac bears downs on the convention, many delegates are angry for what they perceive as an idiotic site for their meeting.  “What kind of fool would select this city during hurricane season to hold a presidential nominating convention,” said delegate Marcus Quimby?   “I’m not for this kind of violence but, this guy has to be a moron,” he added.   Delegate Mary Hartmann summed up her feelings by saying that she too believed the choice to be foolish.  “I don’t know who signed off on this but, if I were in charge, I’d smack this guy down in some way.”   “For that matter anyone who approved of this should be tarred and feathered,” she added. 

Police sources state that Van Horne received about 45 stitches for cuts he received during the attack.


Bruce Willis, a cab driver from  New Jersey, took his friend Oliver Kincade fishing in order to try to get some information from Kincade regarding his  upcoming testimony in a trial involving a local drug dealer with Mafia connections.   While in the process of quizzing Kincade, Willis latched on to a record-breaking 40 pound red catfish, inadvertently winning  a contest sponsored by  local radio station WETO.  The contest which ran this weekend, offered one thousand dollars to the person who caught the largest fish on the Walkill River in a 24 hour period beginning at midnight on Saturday.  Willis was not even aware that a contest was in progress and took the win in stride.  “Sometimes it’s just dumb luck,” he said.  “I was only there to chat with Ollie and ended up coming home with some dough.”

In a related note Kincade’s body was found a mile downstream, where it came ashore nearly eight hours after he accidentally fell into the river shortly after meeting up with his friend. 


Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney was injured today when a silver spoon he had in his mouth, shattered.  According to his spokesman, Romney was walking around in his hotel room when the spoon, which he has owned since birth, broke in his mouth, cracking several teeth.  Reports indicate that he was taken to the office of a nearby oral surgeon where he was to have the teeth repaired.  The spoon was a gift from his parents and has accompanied him from the beginning of the campaign.  “There is no question this will hurt,” said spokesman Jess McDonall.  “Mr. Romney has had this item around his campaign as a good luck symbol, since he entered the race.”  “He is pretty superstitious.”



Ready, Set GOO

The former star of the kids TV show, Double Dare, Marc Summers, suffered serious facial injuries when a large vat of purple goo was accidentally spilled on him when he was walking down a Hollywood street on Friday.  Apparently the goo was a mixture used to clean the brick and mortar surface of buildings.  Summers was walking in downtown Hollywood on his way to a restaurant when the accident occurred.  Summers was treated by a plastic surgeon and is expected to recover over the next several months. 



WWE ‘S Newest Superhero

Reports from London say that Michael Phelps will retire from swimming at the end of the Olympics in order to wrestle in the WWE.  Sources indicate that Phelps will wrestle for Vince McMahon‘s company under the name of “Aquaman.”  Phelps character will be in full uniform and appear as a character very similar to the DC Comics superhero of the same name.  Reports state that Phelps will have a body suit with gills and webbed feet.   He will be carried to the ring in a giant aquarium and will be taken out and placed in the ring by a robotic net.  His signature move will be “the eel” in which Phelps will  wrap himself up around his opponent and use a mild electric charge to force a submission.