Bring back the Subs
Apparently, over a dozen NFL Referees were injured yesterday when a deck on which they were standing, collapsed. The referees were celebrating the signing of a new eight year contract between their union and the NFL. “I don’t know what happened, one second we are standing on the balcony toasting our new deal and the next, I’m picking a handful of dirt out of my teeth,” said longtime referee Ed Hochuli. “It must have been from all that weight,” he added. “Some of our guys got a little out of shape while we were off,” he stated.
NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell said that he was shocked by the accident and was just happy to hear there were no fatalities. It is expected the refs will be replaced by some of the fill-ins used during the recent strike and contract negotiations.
Reports out of London are saying that a British Magazine has published a number of photos of Princess Anne in full dress. Apparently, the princess was on holiday in Scotland when the clandestine photos were snapped. The palace had no immediate comment on the incident but, it appears the majority of British citizens are thankful.
Apparently, no one bothered to tell the Pittsburgh Pirates that games played after the All Star Game count in the standings. For the second year in a row the Pirates have engaged in a group choke-fest. The Pirates had been ten games over .500 at the All Star break, only to go on to lose two-thirds of the games that follow. “No one mentioned to us that these games count, otherwise we would have tried to play better,” said manager Clint Hurdle. “We thought we were in the playoffs and didn’t have to worry,” he added.
“Now that we’ve lost seven in a row, somebody finally decides to mention that the games matter,” he lamented. When contacted, Pirates Management had no comment.
Filming Moe Hammud
The film marker who’s most recent film has caused anti-American eruptions all across the Middle East, including the death of a U.S. Ambassador has issued a statement clarifying the meaning of the fourteen minute film. “It was designed to be a spoof of a college friend of mine whose name happens to be Moe Hammud.” We have this ongoing gag thing that we have been doing since we graduated.” “It was intended as a harmless prank video to get under his skin and to get him back for painting my house pink while I was on vacation.” “I know that I feel terrible about what has happened and didn’t intend for anyone to get offended other than Moe,” he added. When contacted for comment Mr. Hammud said, “It serves him right for trying to get me back.” “I guess this means I win, he has a pink house and is now in hiding, while I’m sitting here at the table laughing my ass off.” “I guess I’m ahead now, I don’t think he will be coming up with any retaliation anytime soon.”
It looks as though President Obama had one more line than expected at the conclusion of his acceptance speech at the DNC on Thursday night. However, it’s pretty obvious this final line was not made for public consumption. At the conclusion of his acceptance speech, when the President believed his mike to be off, he was overheard saying to an aide, “I can’t believe these suckers fall for this shit.” Apparently, Mr. Obama was quite angry when he found out that the comment was picked up by a microphone that was to be shut off immediately at the conclusion of his acceptance speech but, was left on about ten seconds longer. ” When asked about the comment a DNC spokesman denied that is what the comment was. According to Fran Anrez, DNC Spokesman, the President did not say those words. “I don’t think he was heard properly.” “It appears everyone at the DNC is in denial,” said Larry Fitzhugh, a chief Republican strategist. “Now the American people will see what the President thinks of them,” he added.
DNC Economics Speaker
Evidently, the Democratic Party has decided to bring in a big name, high level math wiz to deal with the topic of the economy. Reports indicate that they have turned to Jethro Bodine, sixth grade graduate and a renowned Economic Czar from Beverly Hills. Bodine is well known for his advanced skills in mathematics and for his unique grasp of Economics. He is scheduled to speak at the convention on Thursday. “This is really a home run for us,” said DNC spokesman Lester Motely. “We couldn’t have asked for a more insightful and down to Earth speaker to lay out our philosophy and goals, than Mr. Bodine,” he added. Naturally, we wanted someone smarter than most of the American people but, we wanted someone who could lay things out in a way most of them could understand.” “Once he lays it out so clearly and simply, we expect a great response from the American people.”
Bodine grew up in the Hills of The Ozarks and later moved to Beverly Hills California with his uncle Jed, when Jed struck oil on his property. Bodine’s long list of accomplishments include: working as a millwright, brain surgeon, spy, and a Hollywood producer. Jan Maysone, a Democratic delegate had a hard time containing her excitement at the prospect of hearing Bodine speak. “He has always been a hero of mine,’ she chimed. “Finally, we are going to get an intelligent, intellectual lesson in our party’s view of how the economy will work.” Bodine’s technique is known to be a unique combination of “cypherin” and the “go-zin-ta” method of Economics. Bodine graduated at the top of his class at Oxford (in the Ozarks).
Like a school of goldfish after a rock was thrown in the water, Democratic delegates rushed out of the Warner Arena Tuesday shortly before the start of the convention, when a lie detector was found inside the building. Security found the device just outside the coat check window, shortly after 4 PM on Tuesday. It was the first time a lie detector made its way inside a location with sucha a large group of Democrats. “We can’t have anything like this just laying around,” said Max Scanle, a democratic delegate from Wisconsin. “For us it’s like Kryptonite,” he added. “Next thing you know, somebody gets hooked up to one and it could be very embarrassing to everybody.”