A Spittin’ Image of The Duke

Chan En’eng, the body double who worked closely with John Wayne in his last four movies  is still riding the range after all these years.  En’eng was recently photographed outside his ranch in Pyonyang, New Mexico on Thanksgiving Day.  En’eng was recognized as the most famous lookalike of all of Wayne’s stand-ins.  According to director Don Seigel, who directed the Duke’s final film, The Shootist, “We really liked his similarity in appearance and mannerisms to John, and his ability to ride almost as well as the Duke.”    Reports indicate that he has lived quietly and mostly off the radar since Mr. Wayne’s passing.   He has been able to live off the royalties from the success of the films he made with the actor.  When asked about his relationship with Wayne, he said, “I love John to death.”  “He was the consummate man’s man.”   According to En’eng, he turned down several other opportunities including as a body double for Arnold Schwarzenegger in “The Terminator and a similar role as a stand-in for Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean.  


It’s Cameltoe

President Obama invited the Indian Rock Band Cameltoe to play at his second inauguration on January 20th in Washington D.C.   The band is one of the top recording groups in India as evidenced by their six chart topping hits on the Indian Pop Chart.  Their biggest hit,  “Let Me Eat Your Curry,” reached number one just 24 hours after it’s release.   According to an Obama staff member, “It’s the president way of reaching out to other cultures.”   The president is also expected to invite the Kenyan Band, Birth Certificate to play at the Inaugural Ball.


Retiring U.S. Congressman Ron Paul recently purchased a retirement villa in the Israeli city of Tel Aviv.  Paul a long time congressman stated that his deep love for the Jewish ways, made this choice a no-brainer.  “I’ve had a longtime love affair with the Hebrew culture and religion and as a result I’ve decided to spend the rest of my days in the center of it,” he said.  “I’m looking forward to getting one of those yarmulke thingies and wearing it around the Wailing Wall and some of the other cool sites over there,” he added.   Asked why he would want to leave the USA, Paul told a friend, “there is no way I want to live in a country stupid enough to elect Barack Obama its president, so I’m outta here.” 



According to sources, General David Petraeus is the early leader in recent Gallup Polls for the 2016 presidential election.  Thanks to all the recent publicity regarding his affair with biographer Paula Broadwell, Petraeus is becoming so well-known that he appears to be gaining great support among Americas who don’t pay attention to anything and just vote by guessing.   According to Gallup pollster, John Dughan, “General Petraeus is pulling way ahead with this important demographic, which includes about 70% of the U.S. population.”  “Let’s face it,” said Dughan, “We know that a majority of Americans don’t know much about politics, government or history, so someone in the news like the general, is getting their support.”  “In fact, I’d predict that if the election were held today, he would win in a landslide.”  “When you have a fairly stupid electorate like we do, someone in the news so much has a great chance,” he added.  “Now the trick will be to keep this scandal in the news for four more years.”   


Best of 3

Those unfortunate folks living in New York and New Jersey have been told that beginning tomorrow, gas rationing at all New York and New Jersey gas stations    will be based on a best of three game of rocks paper scissors.  After long negotiations between New York Governor Andrew Cuomo and his counterpart in New Jersey, Chris Christie, the method was determined to be the most fair and the quickest.  Rod Bloom, spokesman for Governor Cuomo explained the decision to use the long time playground staple, as a means to control the long lines at the gas stations in the hardest hit areas.  “We all came to the agreement that this method would be something everyone understood and could implement very quickly,” said Cuomo.  It would prevent people from switching license plates and coming into the stations when it wasn’t their turn,” he added.  Governor Christie agreed and said he was OK with it as long as it isn’t implemented at any fast food restaurants.  



Petraeus Asked to Rate Affair

Upon admitting his affair with a woman writing his biography,  CIA Director , General David Petraeus was demoted to Private First Class by President Obama yesterday.  Petraeus will be reassigned to Fort Dix and work in the supplies department on base.  In order to regain his pension, Petraeus will have to put in a fresh 20 years.   Apparently, the demotion caught the general by surprise.  Sources close to the situation have indicated that a distraught Petraeus was overheard mumbling about “the value of a piece of ass.”  

The CIA had no comment on the story but, former President Bill Clinton issued a denial just in case.



Marathon Runners Pause for the Cause

Despite the devastation caused by Hurricane Sandy, officials in New York have decided not to cancel the Looters Marathon to be held on Sunday.  According to Mayor Michael Bloomberg, the city wants to show its resilience to the world by continuing with the event, despite the massive mess the city is facing.  “We are not going to allow something like a hurricane to bring New Yorkers down,” said the Mayor.  “This marathon is part of what our city is about,” he added.  “We want our citizens to know we are going to move forward.” 

Despite the fact the looters will have to dodge flood waters, burned out neighborhoods, large areas of debris, mud and sand, the event is expected to bring out a large number of participants.  Jaquell “Jailbird”  Roberts, a longtime looter is glad to hear the event is still going to be held.  “We’s glad to hear the mayor is letting us come in an do our thang,  we gonna  run and pick up some stuff and run some moe.”   Lots of lectronic stores and bling shops on da way.”  “Me and my peeps be glad to be part of this shit.”