CHRISTMAS 2013 ADS BEGIN

thftU.S. retailers trying to get a jump on the Christmas 2013 shopping season have begun to runs ads on local and national television stations beginning today.  According to  National Retailers Association President, Vic Thimm, the ads are an effort to get people thinking and spending for next Christmas as early as possible.  “You can never start too soon,” said Thimm.  “We want to keep folks in the perpetual holiday spirit and in a spending mood as well.”  “Remember, there are only 363 shopping days till Christmas and you are never going to get the selection that is available right now,” he added.  “Christmas only comes once a year but, the shopping and spending can be 365 days,” he said. 

In a similar but unrelated development, the Democrats and Republicans have begun running ads for the 2016 Presidential Election on select radio and TV stations yesterday across the country. 

CRAZY GUGGENHEIM SHOOTS SELF ON LIVE TV

Goodnight Craze

Goodnight Craze

Longtime comedian and singer, Crazy Guggenheim who became  famous for his appearances on the Jackie Gleason Show,  shot himself on live television yesterday after an angry rant against conservatives.  Guggenheim was nearing the end of a long rant in which he was blaming Republicans and Conservatives for all the ills of society when he suddenly put his loaded index finger to his head and pulled his thumb.  He was pronounced mentally dead at the scene.  Guggenheim’s friends said he had been having “issues” recently and was taking several medicines to combat a variety of ailments both physical and mental.  Guggenheim, was thought to have some issues with alcohol and was known to frequent Joe’s Bar.  His good friend and fellow patron at Joe’s Bar,  Mr. Dunahee said, “Craze was one in a million he could sing like a songbird and had a great sense of humor.”

INCAS ANGRY THEIR CALENDAR GETS NO RESPECT

imagesDescendents of the great Inca’s of Peru are upset their ancestor’s calendar is not getting the same respect as that of the Mayans.  Angry Inca’s have been protesting in Lima Peru regarding what they view as a “slight” to their ancestors and their end of the world predictions.  “We can’t believe that the media and internet have been ignoring the predictions made by our ancestors over 500 years ago,” said Inca spokesman, Guano Dio.  Dio a direct descendent of the great Inca ruler, Montezuma, is the head of the Modern Inca Society, an organization of descendents of the great Peruvian civilization.  “Our ancestor’s also predicted the end of the world but, no one is paying attention,” he added.   “Our culture has never gotten the respect given to the Mayans or even the Aztecs for that matter,” he said.  “All I hear out there is Mayans, Mayans,Mayans and I’m getting a bit tired of it.”   “People are going to find out that they have been paying attention to the wrong Indians,” he stated.  “It’s discrimination plain and simple.”  “Just because we are darker skinned tribe than the Mayans, shouldn’t force us into second class status.” 

REPOST: RUDOLPH PUT DOWN STUNS NORTH POLE AND THE WORLD

imageserIn a devastating development at The North Pole, it appears that reports of the death of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer are true.  This afternoon Santa Claus issued a brief statement detailing the sad news.

“We here at Santa’s Headquarters are extremely saddened to report that it was necessary to put down Rudolph, our beloved red-nosed reindeer this morning.”  What many of you don’t know is that Rudolph was battling cancer over these many years and that his red nose was really not a light, as we depicted.”    “Unfortunately, his nose was red because of an aggressive form of carcinoma, which lodged in his nasal passages and manifested itself in the form of the bulbous red nose that you all saw.”   Santa continued, “It was Rudolph’s decision to keep this condition quiet, so as not to upset his millions of faithful fans and the children who loved him so.”  “Sadly, in the last few months this condition worsened to the point that Rudolph had great difficulty breathing and over the past few weeks, had become entirely bedridden.”  “It was after careful consideration of his wishes and on the advice of North Pole doctors, Mrs. Claus and I made the decision to withdraw life support and immediately afterward, have Rudolph put down.”

It was not known which reindeer would be elevated to the position of sleigh leader that Rudolph held for so many years.  What is known is that Santa will be in need of a at least one replacement reindeer.  Top candidates include, Speedball, Mushroom, Slayer and Bob.

ROYAL PRANK PHONE CALL LEADS TO DJ SUICIDE

OOPS

OOPS

A popular London radio host committed suicide early Tuesday afternoon after receiving a prank phone call from Buckingham Palace.  Reports indicate Prince Charles decided to have a little fun after hearing that his wife, Camilla, would be leaving for a two week trip to Africa.   Sources indicate that the prince phone in to the Artie Treacher Show and was put on the air to announce he was Treacher’s gay lover and was leaving him for another man.  Treather’s producer said the he became despondent after the call but, finished his show and left the station abruptly.  “The last we saw or heard from Artie was when he turned off his mike and bolted out the door,” said producer Justin Allers.  “We never dreamed he would take such desperate action,” he added.    When confronted by reporters, Buckingham Palace Spokesman, Lawrence Athers, said the prince was sorry for the prank and as punishment, the Queen was grounding him to his estate in Scotland.