LANCE ARMSTRONG SHOCKS OPRAH: CONFESSES DEEP UNDYING LOVE

ImageIn a move that caught the host by surprise, Lance Armstrong, who was expected to discuss his use of performance enhancing drugs, instead used the opportunity on the OWN network, to express his love for the pudgy TV mogul.  “I’ve always loved you,” said Armstrong.  “I came here to ask for your hand in marriage,”  he added.   “I thought about you all the time I was racing,” he said.  “In fact my motivation strategy was to visualize you being there, waiting for me at the end of my race,” said the cyclist.   “It wasn’t drugs that drove me, it was you,” he stated.  “I just thought that you and I could get a bicycle built for two and ride off into the sunset,” said Armstrong.

Armstrong’s revelation appeared to catch everyone off guard,including the host.  “i don’t now what to say,” Oprah muttered.  “I’m not sure Stedman will be OK with this.” she lamented.  “Just in case, do those bicycles come with extra-large seats,”  said the host?

ADMINISTRATION LOOKS TO FLU AS BEST WAY TO KILL OFF OLD PEOPLE

ImageCiting this year’s flu epidemic as, “the best chance we have to cull the heard.”  Planning notes penned by senior officials of the Obama administration indicate the administration’s willingness to promote the spread of this years flu as a way to get rid of what he referred to  as old, mostly racist white folks.”  One official allegedly said, “What a great opportunity we have with this epidemic already in place.”  “We can dump some deadweight and really help eliminate some future drag on Obamacare.”   “It will help keep down the number that our death panels will have to ax.”  Another high ranking health official was overheard saying, “man this can be the healthcare version of Dejango Unchained.” 

REDSKINS TRYING TO FIND A WAY TO MAKE FIELD WORSE

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Worst Field Winner

“Everyone is looking for that home field advantage.”  Some teams get it by having a big and loud home crowd, some by making and displaying huge banners but, our advantage comes from having the crappiest field in the league,” said team owner Danny Snyder.  “Our players know it and use it to their advantage.”  “The only thing we have to worry about is some free agent or rookie tearing up his knee before he gets used to field conditions.”  Hey, but it’s a gamble we are willing to take.”  “Besides, what are the chances of something like that happening?”

LANCE ARMSTRONG ADMITS TO USING NITROGEN IN BIKE TIRES

lance26_custom-00442ce358537a23e223fc698ffa4f305cc2f378-s6-c10Bicyclist, Lance Armstrong admitted that he had been using nitrogen to fill his bike tires for the past 8 years.  Armstrong at first claimed that he had always used regular air, but,  apparently came clean after the International Bicyclist Association reports about random inflation tests were published.   Using nitrogen in bike tires is prohibited on the competitive circuit.  Armstrong was a multiple winner of the Tour de France and former world champion.  “This does not look good for his credibility,” said Ralph J. MacGregor, president of the American Bicyclist Federation. 

Armstrong was not available to comment. 

CAPITOL HILL HIGH RETARDS MEET FOR FINAL REUNION

U.S. President Barack Obama delivers his State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress on Capitol Hill in WashingtonA 25th reunion of the Capitol Hill High School class of 1987 was held on December 31st in Washington D.C.  This group was the last class  of American high school students to be identified using the term, “retarded” instead of  ” special needs.” 

Class President Jon Baner said he was extremely proud to be part of history.  “it’s great to be able to be the last group of people to do something or to be identified as something special.”    “It’s a unique honor and we wear the badge of the retarded,  proudly,” he added.

“As many people know beginning in 1988 the term, “retard” was retired from public education jargon,” said class VP, Nan C. Plosie.

“We were the last of our kind, true originals.”   “We are the last of the retards,” she added. 

In a show of unity the class voted unanimously to spend more money then they had in their class treasury and to pass the balance outstanding on to the class of 2024.

CATHOLIC CHURCH TO ROLL OUT NEW COMMUNION WAFER

condomThe Catholic Church  unveiled a new more durable communion wafer,  to be used in all churches by February 1st.    The new wafer comes after years of experimentation and trial and error.  “This new wafer should hold up better during mass,” said Bishop Conrad Domacle.  “We’ve been experimenting with several different types of materials and found this to be the longest lasting,” he added.   “A great deal of our input has been that people wanted something more filling and with more consistency.”   “It’s going to be a bit more chewy than the old standard and may take our parishioners a while to get used to but, we are pretty confident it will be a big hit.”  The Cardinal added, “one of the downsides of the change is that the wafers will no longer be able to be made by our nuns.”  We’ve signed a ten year contract with the Trojan Company to produce these and I’m pretty confident everyone will be pleased with the results.”