According to unnamed sources the US Government has begun testing new torture methods on detainees at their terrorist prison at Guantanamo Bay. Apparently, the government has developed a new method to extract information from known terrorists by forcing them to watch reruns of “The Talk” and “The View” over and over 24 hours a day. Sources are saying that the shows are pumped into the cells of the prisoners on televisions that can not be turned off nor turned down. In some cases the shows are being broadcast simultaneously, and it appears the constant cackling is having an effect. Reports indicated that several of the terrorists have begged to be waterboarded instead and some have even asked to be executed rather than continue with viewings. “We’re getting some great information from these guys that we weren’t able to get in the past using some of our more standard methods,” said Captain John Lever, a coordinator at the facility. “These guys are singing like canaries and begging us to turn the TV’s off and stop the cackling. One terrorist begged to have his eyes plucked out rather than to have to watch the “ugly infidels” as he called them, any longer.
“It seems we’ve struck upon a way to get to information from even the most difficult terrorists, that beats any other kind of non-physical torture we’ve used in the past,” he added. “They seem to be doubly affected by the gyrations and ramblings of the “angry black women” on each of the shows.” “There is no question that the loud obnoxious cackling and general ugliness of the characters on these shows are very effective in hitting the raw nerves of the terrorists,” added Lever.
When asked how the guards and other employees deal with the situation during the course of their work, Lever indicated that they were all given ear plugs and sound deadening headphones to prevent them from being exposed to the squealing and squawking.