Torture Personified

Torture Personified

According to unnamed sources the US Government has begun testing new torture methods on detainees at their terrorist prison at Guantanamo Bay.  Apparently, the government has developed a new method to extract information from known terrorists by forcing them to watch reruns of “The Talk” and “The View” over and over 24 hours a day.  Sources are saying that the shows are pumped into the cells of the prisoners on televisions that can not be turned off nor turned down.  In some cases the shows are being broadcast simultaneously, and it appears the constant cackling is having an effect.  Reports indicated that several of the terrorists have begged to be waterboarded instead and some have even asked to be executed rather than continue with viewings.  “We’re getting some great information from these guys that we weren’t able to get in the past using some of our more standard methods,” said Captain John Lever, a coordinator at the facility.  “These guys are singing like canaries and begging us to turn the TV’s off and stop the cackling.  One terrorist begged to have his eyes plucked out rather than to have to watch the “ugly infidels” as he called them, any longer. 

“It seems we’ve struck upon a way to get to information from even the most difficult terrorists,  that beats any other kind of non-physical torture we’ve used in the past,” he added.   “They seem to be doubly affected by the gyrations and ramblings of the “angry black women” on each of the shows.”    “There is no question that the loud obnoxious cackling and general ugliness of the characters on these shows are very effective in hitting the raw nerves of the terrorists,” added Lever. 

When asked how the guards and other employees deal with the situation during the course of their work, Lever indicated that they were all given ear plugs and sound deadening headphones to prevent them from being exposed to the squealing and squawking. 




Maybe Average at Best

In a move that is bound to send shock waves throughout the television shopping industry QVC hostess Mary Cleaver inadvertently displayed a piece of jewelry found to be non-fabulous AND  non-gorgeous.  She had just finished showing a really really gorgeous Eternity Band Ring when she reaches down and pulls up this frumpy looking oval ring that looked like something out of a Cracker Jack Box.  The error immediately set off a flurry of irate phone calls to the company offices in West Chester PA.  “The phone lines were tied up all afternoon,” said Alan Beech, one of a group of QVC Managers called in to handle the crisis.  “We’re trying to get to the bottom of what happened.”  “I can tell you that when we find out, heads will roll.”  This marks the first time in the company’s long history that a non-gorgeous piece of jewelry made it onto the airwaves.  “We pride ourselves in taking great care to ensure that only pieces of high quality, get on camera,” added Ron Phillips, director of quality control for the company.  “Right now we are focusing on Cleaver and we are trying to look at the in-house cameras to see if we can figure out what went wrong.”  “Regardless, heads are going to roll over this,” he chimed.


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Trending Now

Versus Michelle Obama versus Prince George versus The Fridge Perry versus  Mila Kunis for the most hits championship of the world.  Satire webmaster seeks to find out if name-dropping will bring more hits to his blog known as It’s All Satire 24/7.  He may be wondering out loud if dropping a bunch of names that are trending on Yahoo will actually drum up some visits to his site.  It this works please leave a comment or two to show you have stopped by.