Attention Whore’s Rule
Upon receiving a petition with well over 100,000 signatures, President Obama has decided to follow though and ordered the deportation of Justin Bieber to North Korea.
The North Koreans have agreed to accept the embattled teen star mainly because Kim Jung-Un is a big fan of Beiber’s music. The North Koreans have indicated that Bieber will be given an apartment in the nation’s capital of Pyongyang. According to reports by the North Korean News Agency, he will be required to perform for Kim Jong-un on a monthly basis.
Additional reports indicate the deal was brokered by former NBA Superstar, Dennis Rodman. Rodman recently visited the communist country in what was believed to be a purely social call on Jong-un. American news agencies were shocked to find out that Rodman’s primary mission was to negotiate the turn over of Bieber to the North Koreans.
J. C. Volts, a deaf mute from Pittsburgh was shot in the stomach, in the city’s Garfield neighborhood after inadvertently using gang signals instead of sign language. Volts was supposedly being schooled in sign language by his neighbor Kayshawann Jefferson. It has come to light that Jefferson, a known gang member, was living in the same apartment building as Volts and had offered to teach him to sign for $50. Volts apparently gave Jefferson the money and began to learn what he believed to be American Sign Language for the Deaf. Instead, Jefferson allegedly decided to take a shortcut in his instruction, and instead was teaching Volts a fast form of gang street signals. “I thought he was teaching me things like, “hello how are you,” and “thanks for your help,” but, instead he was teaching me phrases like, “f*ck you you motherf*cker,” “I going to cap your sorry a*s,” and “I’m turning you in to the cops.” Volts was shot as he stood on the steps of his apartment building practicing his newly learned signs.
Former Penn State Assistant Coach Jerry Sandusky is rumored to be the top candidate to fill the recently vacated head football coaching position with the university. Sources close to the search say the committee is looking for someone with strong ties to the school with extensive coaching experience and is able to relate well to young men.
“When we looked at all our criteria for a head coach and considered all the options, it was a no-brainer to put Jerry right at the top of the candidate list,” said Associate AD Vince Galotta. “There were just no weaknesses in Mr. Sandusky’s resume,” he added. “Jerry’s ties to the glory years of our university, also add a lot of weight to his consideration.”
When reminded that Mr. Sandusky was currently serving time in prison Galotta said, “we don’t expect those charges to stick.” “It’s our belief Jerry will be out very soon and his name will be cleared.” “Our focus is on seeing Jerry running up and down the sidelines wearing a Penn State sweater and not an orange jumpsuit.”