Weapon of Choice

Weapon of Choice

Helene Merriman of Crystal Springs, was able to hold off her ex-boyfriend as he attempted to attack her outside her home, using a copy of the PSA Order she had just picked up from the local magistrate’s office.  According to witnesses, Merriman had just exited her car and was walking toward her home, when her former boyfriend, Justin Landersberg, allegedly jumped from behind the bushes, and attempted to attack her.  Fortunately, Merriman had her recently granted Protection From Abuse order in her hands, and was able to beat back her attacker by striking him repeatedly in the head with the document.  According to one neighbor, who asked not to be identified, stated that Landersberg approached the victim around 4 PM, and proceeded to attempt to put his hands around her neck a number of times, as the victim was repeatedly striking back at her attacker, with the document she was carrying into the house. 

Neighbors called police and as they arrived, they found Landersberg laying on the ground covering his face with his hands, as Merriman continued to pummel him.  “I saw him lying on the ground covering himself and I also noticed numerous paper cuts on his face,” said neighbor Marquis Johnson.  “I ain’t ever seen a guy take such a beating from a woman.”  “Hopefully, he learned his lesson,” he added. 

Crystal Springs police arrested Landersberg and charged him with violating the PFA, as well as, numerous other charges. 

When asked about here ordeal, Merriman would only say, “that Jackass got what he deserved.”  “Hopefully he will wise up and leave me alone.” 



You too can have a smile like this one

Apparently, the big winner in yesterday’s vice-presidential debate may turn out to be Joe Biden‘s dentist, Dr. Hal Upton.  Upton’s office confirmed that the continual smiling and laughing by the Vice President, was  carefully orchestrated by the two of them, during Biden’s last check up.  “Joe came in and was talking about the upcoming debate, while I was focused on telling him how great his teeth and smile were.”  “Suddenly, the idea hit both of us almost simultaneously.”  “He would get a cleaning on the house in return for a little bit of ad time,” said Upton.  “It was a “win-win” situation in every sense of the word.”   “In fact it went even better than I had hoped, ” Upton added.  “Joe spent so much time laughing and had that “Cheshire Cat” smile on his face almost the entire 90 minutes.” 

According to Upton, he has received nearly 200 calls  for people seeking to become patients and asking if he can give them “that Biden smile.” 


Scientists reported on a recent study which showed that obesity was successful in curing anorexia in 98% of the participants.  The study, funded by the Federal Government seems to show very conclusively that hope for a cure to the anorexia epidemic is at hand.  According to Theodore Meyers, study director, “We really hit on something this time.”  “I think we are finally going to be able to say that like Polio, we have a cure for anorexia.”  “Once the government approves this program, it will be available to everyone suffering from this dreaded disease,” he added.   “Who would have thought that fat was the cure for thin,” said Alice McGowen Jones, a long time sufferer.  McGowen Jones, a participant in the study was able to gain 350 pounds by following the program.   “I can’t believe how great I feel,” she said.   “I know I’m a bit slower and not much to look at now but, hell I feel like a million buck compared to before.”  Meyers called her a true success story and promised that this was only the beginning.  “We hope to have a million McGowen Jones’,” he stated.


No More Smoke

The Italian Environmental Agency has notified the Vatican that it is no longer permitted to discharge any smoke into the atmosphere when announcing the election of a new Pope.  For over a hundred years, the Vatican electors have  emitted black smoke from its central chimney inside the Sistine Chapel, in order  to send the message to the faithful that no selection has yet been made.  Later, as a new Pontiff is chosen the smoke is changed to white and the world knows a new Cardinal has been elevated.  According to the new edict the Holy See will not be permitted to fire up the smoke because of stricter anti-pollution laws within the confines of The Vatican.   Spokesman for the Church, Cardinal Jozeph Nitche said in a prepared statement, “We are shocked and saddened that the government has attempted to step on the traditions of the church in such a blatant way.”   “The College of Cardinals and the Holy Father are deeply saddened by these developments.” 

Guisueppi Girbaldi, head of the IEA said, “though we understand the position of the church in this matter, we must enforce the laws of the state in regards to the pollution of our air.”   “We can not allow the church to violate government ordinances in this way.” 

It is expected that the church will have to find a new method to announce the election of a Pope.  “Perhaps, we will release doves, shoot off a cannon,  or have a plane fly around with the message in tow.”  “We are not happy but, we intend to comply with the law,” said Cardinal Nitche. 


Don't be a Boob-Support Breast Awareness

October has been named  “Breast Awareness” month by No Maam, The National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Master-hood.   According to event organizer and long time breast connoisseur, Al Bundy, this designation is not to be confused with Breast “Cancer” Awareness Month.   Bundy’s group wants to make it known that they are simply promoting an awareness of breasts and are seeking no funds or donations for their project.  “We want all men to really be keenly aware of breasts wherever they go,” said Bundy.  “It’s the one uniting factor among men,” he added.  “From the time we are infants suckling on our mothers teats, to the time we are married and admiring those of other women, our world is filled with casaba melons of every size, shape and color.”  “It makes everyday like Thanksgiving,” he added.  “No Maam is hoping that this recognition will spread and provide a rallying point for men everywhere.”

No Maam’s Breast Awareness Month activities are expected to include a, Show us your Breasts Parade,  An America’s Most Beautiful Breast Contest and a Free Breast Exam provided by the members of No Maam.