BILL COSBY SET TO HOST MISS AMERICA PAGEANT

Dr. Love

Dr. Love

Noted comedian and TV personality Bill Cosby has been tapped to host the 2016 Miss America Pageant.  Cosby made his mark as a comic and TV star way back in the 1960’s, as he released several hit comedy albums and was one of the first black stars of a TV series when he costarred with Robert Culp in the spy series, ” I Spy”   He was part of the cartoon hit, “Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids,” and later as the family patriarch , Dr. Cliff Huxtable in the Cosby Show. 

Pageant directors are said to love Cosby and the way he is able to communicate and interact with women.  Spokesman, J. Sandusky said, “Bill Cosby is beloved by generations of women not only for his comedic skill but, also for his willingness to tutor many up and coming actresses and female comics.”   “Bill is so into helping the next generation of stars, that it’s not unusual to see him take  many to his hotel for personal training and one-on-one tutoring,” he added. 

“We think Bill will be the perfect host because of the confidence and respect women have for him, as well as, his ability to communicate effectively with them.” 

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HEADLINES: JOE BIDEN TO SEEK THIRD TERM AS VICE PRESIDENT

TERM UNLIMITED

Current VP Joe Biden has indicated his intention to run for a third term as Vice President.  Biden held a news conference today to announce his intentions.  He also made it known that he would be will to serve under a President from either party.  “I know I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of becoming President,” he admitted.  “But, I’m pretty sure America would enjoy another four years of me acting the stooge for whomever they elect as president.  To prove my willingness to stay on, I am changing the locks on the Vice President’s Residence.”  “I know in my heart America wants an entertainer and fun-loving guy in this position.”

When asked about Biden’s intentions, President Obama said, “Joe Who?”

ABUSED WOMAN BEATS BACK ATTACKER WITH PFA ORDER

Weapon of Choice

Weapon of Choice

Helene Merriman of Crystal Springs, was able to hold off her ex-boyfriend as he attempted to attack her outside her home, using a copy of the PSA Order she had just picked up from the local magistrate’s office.  According to witnesses, Merriman had just exited her car and was walking toward her home, when her former boyfriend, Justin Landersberg, allegedly jumped from behind the bushes, and attempted to attack her.  Fortunately, Merriman had her recently granted Protection From Abuse order in her hands, and was able to beat back her attacker by striking him repeatedly in the head with the document.  According to one neighbor, who asked not to be identified, stated that Landersberg approached the victim around 4 PM, and proceeded to attempt to put his hands around her neck a number of times, as the victim was repeatedly striking back at her attacker, with the document she was carrying into the house. 

Neighbors called police and as they arrived, they found Landersberg laying on the ground covering his face with his hands, as Merriman continued to pummel him.  “I saw him lying on the ground covering himself and I also noticed numerous paper cuts on his face,” said neighbor Marquis Johnson.  “I ain’t ever seen a guy take such a beating from a woman.”  “Hopefully, he learned his lesson,” he added. 

Crystal Springs police arrested Landersberg and charged him with violating the PFA, as well as, numerous other charges. 

When asked about here ordeal, Merriman would only say, “that Jackass got what he deserved.”  “Hopefully he will wise up and leave me alone.” 

“UN” BELIEVEABLE (repost)

Let Me Dance or You Die!

Let Me Dance or You Die!

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un seems hell bent on starting World War III, with his recent actions on the Korean Peninsula.  Apparently, Kim is angry over the American refusal to allow him to try out for the next round of Dancing With The Stars.   Sources in the Korean nation have indicated that Jong-Un has been practicing a great deal for the opportunity to perform on the American TV Show.  “We were not aware of the Dear Leader’s interest in performing on our show, said ABC Exec, Douglas MacArthur.”  “Regardless of that, we have rules and standards that are applied equally to all people interested in appearing on the show.”  Mr. Un did not meet these requirement and, as a result, was not invited back to the second audition, he added.” 

A North Korean spokesman said that Mr Jong-Un  had been watching American Films such as, Fame, Dirty Dancing, Singing In The Rain  and numerous others and was distressed over his treatment on the dance show and indicated that the leader was willing to, “Let my nukes do the talking.” 

MICHAEL SAM TO WEAR NO. 69

689According to insider sources newly drafted NFL Defensive star Michael Sam will be wearing number 69.   Team spokesman Allan DeGeneres indicated the number assignment was purely random and that the player had no objection to his new uniform.  “Mike is cool with the new number and is excited to be in the NFL,” said DeGeneres. ”  “Besides it’s not the number that matters, it’s the fact that he is great at stuffing the offensive guys, hitting the hole quickly and, enjoys going after the ball,” he added. 

According to the team, Sam is expected to get a shot to start in 2014.  “We know Michael is great at stuffing the runner and has the ability to climb all over the receivers to choke them off,” noted DeGeneres.   “We feel so lucky to have a rookie who can cover the backside of a running back and is always looking to score.”   “He’s great at coming up all over the tight end of an opponent.”   “This guy is special,” said DeGeneres.  “I expect him to have a great career and make 69 something very popular indeed.”

 

OBAMACARE WEBSITE GLITCHES MAY HAVE SET OFF FORT HOOD SHOOTER

indexowRecent reports from Texas indicate that the Fort Hood Shooter’s rampage may have been caused by his inability to access the Obamacare Website.  Sources close to the shooter, Ivan Lopez are telling investigators that in recent days Lopez was increasingly angry about his inability to get onto the healthcare website.  “He has been trying for days to get himself and his family signed up for insurance,” said an unidentified friend.   “He mentioned more than once about how frustrated he was because the website kept going down and the deadline was coming up and he wasn’t able to get the insurance in time.” 

A member of Lopez’s family also bolstered the friend’s comment by saying the last time he spoke with Lopez, “He was really pissed and cursing the damn website.”   Reports indicate that immediately before the rampage Lopez shot at his computer in frustration. 

A spokesman for the fort, refused to confirm or deny the story.   When reached by phone, an Obamacare Navigator, indicated that he, and many others in his office were having difficulty signing up interested parties and understood the frustration, many Americans like Lopez were feeling. 

DNA FREES MAN ACCUSED OF SHOOTING LIBERTY VALANCE 52 YEARS AGO

vbAfter 52 years in prison for a shooting he didn’t commit, Gene Pitney, was released from prison,.  DNA tests run on evidence collected from the crime scene proved that Pitney could not have been the one who fired that fateful shot in 1962 that took the life of the American West’s biggest heroes.  Pitney was convicted in 1962 based on circumstantial evidence and a statement by a supposed witness.  During the trial Pitney’s defense argued the witness, Lee Marvin, was too intoxicated to accurately identify the shooter. 

Pitney has maintained his innocence over the past five decades and through numerous appeal requests.  When asked by reporters what he planned to do now that he was a free man, the 80 year old Pitney announced to return to Shinbone and pick up his life where he left off.