ABUSED WOMAN BEATS BACK ATTACKER WITH PFA ORDER

Weapon of Choice

Weapon of Choice

Helene Merriman of Crystal Springs, was able to hold off her ex-boyfriend as he attempted to attack her outside her home, using a copy of the PSA Order she had just picked up from the local magistrate’s office.  According to witnesses, Merriman had just exited her car and was walking toward her home, when her former boyfriend, Justin Landersberg, allegedly jumped from behind the bushes, and attempted to attack her.  Fortunately, Merriman had her recently granted Protection From Abuse order in her hands, and was able to beat back her attacker by striking him repeatedly in the head with the document.  According to one neighbor, who asked not to be identified, stated that Landersberg approached the victim around 4 PM, and proceeded to attempt to put his hands around her neck a number of times, as the victim was repeatedly striking back at her attacker, with the document she was carrying into the house. 

Neighbors called police and as they arrived, they found Landersberg laying on the ground covering his face with his hands, as Merriman continued to pummel him.  “I saw him lying on the ground covering himself and I also noticed numerous paper cuts on his face,” said neighbor Marquis Johnson.  “I ain’t ever seen a guy take such a beating from a woman.”  “Hopefully, he learned his lesson,” he added. 

Crystal Springs police arrested Landersberg and charged him with violating the PFA, as well as, numerous other charges. 

When asked about here ordeal, Merriman would only say, “that Jackass got what he deserved.”  “Hopefully he will wise up and leave me alone.” 

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OBAMA ORDERS RELEASE OF FIVE SERIAL KILLERS IN US

Yes it is!

Yes it is!

Capping off a day where he traded five Taliban Terrorists from Guantanamo Bay for alleged deserter Beau Bergdahl, President Obama also ordered the release of Charles Manson, David Berkowicz, (known as The Son of Sam),  Richard Ramirez, (known as The Night Stalker), Gary Leon Ridgeway (known as the Green River Killer,  and BTK Killer, Dennis Rader.

When questioned about the release, an Obama spokesman indicated that, in order to maintain fairness, “It was only right to release an equal number of Americans.”  The spokesman said, “the President wanted to make it clear he believes in fairness and wanted to show Americans, that their feelings matter and that they shouldn’t be angry about the release of the Taliban terrorists, since Americans were being released too.”   “The President was trying to balance the needs of American prisoners with those held at Guantanamo Bay,”   said Assistant Press Secretary Martin Bormann.   “How could we look ourselves in the mirror if we were to release five Muslim terrorists and not do the same for our own?” 

SIGN LANGUAGE INTERPRETER: ” THERE ARE NO SIGNS FOR STUPIDITY”

High Fives all Around

High Fives all Around

The man assigned to sign for the deaf at the funeral of Nelson Mandela was brought to a standstill during the speech given by President Obama.   The crowd was stunned when the interpreter suddenly stopped signing and just stood on stage staring into space.  When asked about his sudden “freezing up” during the ceremony,  the interpreter, one Thamganga Jantjie, said ” I found it impossible to sign for Obama because nothing he said was making any sense.”   “It’s impossible to sign for someone who speaks gibberish,” he added.  “There wasn’t anything in speech that can be translated into sign.”  “I don’t think I’ve ever been asked to sign such a great amount of BS.”

According to Jantjie, the liberal media in the US is accusing him of being delusional  on stage, when in reality, he was just dumbfounded and in shock, when listening to the incoherent mutterings of  the US President.    Jantjie laughed when asked whether Obama was in any danger from him.  “The only thing in danger on that stage was the intelligence of audience when Obama was talking.” 

OBAMA PUSHES GUM CONTROL

Conceal and Carry

Conceal and Carry

President Obama yesterday asked the House and Senate to consider a stricter gum control proposal that would make it more difficult for Americans to own and carry gum.  The proposal is expected to meet with strong opposition among gum owners and many conservatives.   “We have to do something about the rash of gum incidents around the country,” said an administration spokesman.  “There have way too many incidents of people abusing their gum  and we need to get it off the streets,” he added.  

President Obama has been pushing for stronger gum laws especially when it comes to multi-pack  containers and the larger buckets, seen more and more around the country. 

Gum Rights advocates are pushing back and enlisting the aid of sympathetic lawmakers in an effort to defeat any proposals that might come forth. 

BIDEN TRAINING FOR MIDDLEWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP

ImageVice President Joe Biden has been training heavily for the past four months in order to take a shot at the World Middleweight  Boxing Championship.  Biden’s training has been intense and the determined VP is given a better than average chance of defeating the current champion.  Mister Biden is known for his quickness and his favorite opening line, “put up your dukes.”

CAPITOL HILL HIGH RETARDS MEET FOR FINAL REUNION

U.S. President Barack Obama delivers his State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress on Capitol Hill in WashingtonA 25th reunion of the Capitol Hill High School class of 1987 was held on December 31st in Washington D.C.  This group was the last class  of American high school students to be identified using the term, “retarded” instead of  ” special needs.” 

Class President Jon Baner said he was extremely proud to be part of history.  “it’s great to be able to be the last group of people to do something or to be identified as something special.”    “It’s a unique honor and we wear the badge of the retarded,  proudly,” he added.

“As many people know beginning in 1988 the term, “retard” was retired from public education jargon,” said class VP, Nan C. Plosie.

“We were the last of our kind, true originals.”   “We are the last of the retards,” she added. 

In a show of unity the class voted unanimously to spend more money then they had in their class treasury and to pass the balance outstanding on to the class of 2024.

OBAMA INVITES INDIAN ROCK BAND TO INAUGURATION

It’s Cameltoe

President Obama invited the Indian Rock Band Cameltoe to play at his second inauguration on January 20th in Washington D.C.   The band is one of the top recording groups in India as evidenced by their six chart topping hits on the Indian Pop Chart.  Their biggest hit,  “Let Me Eat Your Curry,” reached number one just 24 hours after it’s release.   According to an Obama staff member, “It’s the president way of reaching out to other cultures.”   The president is also expected to invite the Kenyan Band, Birth Certificate to play at the Inaugural Ball.